My mother (95) has lived with my husband and I for over 2 years. On the rare occasion I leave her in his very capable care she gives me the cold shoulder. Anyone experience this? - AgingCare.com

My mother (95) has lived with my husband and I for over 2 years. On the rare occasion I leave her in his very capable care she gives me the cold shoulder. Anyone experience this?

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I leave for 2-3 hours, she gives me the cold shoulder or acts mad when I return. I know I need to continue to have some free time, but sometimes the stress I feel after makes me wonder if it is worth that. Anyone else experience the same, and how do you handle it?

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Can you tell us more about your mom? Have you talked to her about her reaction? Is she afraid your husband won't know what to do? Does he really need to do anything for the 2-3 hours you're away?

Your mom is being totally unreasonable in her reaction. Let's get that right out there. You have EVERY right to leave for that period of time - or any amount of time you want to leave for if you have someone to fill in for you.

One thing I learned with my mom in her 90s is that her world got very, very small. If it rained, she didn't want me to drive. If it was dark, she didn't want me to drive. Of course those are totally unreasonable fears. I'd just tease her about it ("Mom, it's just rain, I'm not going to melt!") and still do my own thing. My mom didn't give me the cold shoulder, but she'd express her concerns. We just have to do what we need to do and realize that sometimes our parents lose their reasoning power as they age. But that doesn't mean we have to give in to their unreasonable beliefs/behaviors. {{{Hugs}}}
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I'm sorry but I had a dog to do that! In fact, we have an old dumped-out dog that gives me the sad eyes if I get in my car and drive off.

Only advice is to just go with it. It compares to leaving a baby or child with a sitter - some kids pout and some don't. Your mother is pouting and punishing you for leaving her. Try not to take it personally - I'm pretty sure she wouldn't do this if she could reason things out.

You can try bringing her a goodie on your return - but if you don't want DH pouting, bring one for him too. A cookie works well.
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I wonder if your mother might improve with practice? As long as your husband doesn't mind perhaps you should increase the frequency and regularity of your breaks so that you get more benefit and she has a chance to form a routine around them. And if that routine continues to include the burning martyr act... well, you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, as they say.
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Yes! My advice is continue to go, the free time is very important. Don't give in to her toddler like behavior.

Go out with your husband too! It is more important that you enjoy your life and marriage. 95 is quite old and unless she needs your constant assistance every minute, I would start slow and just go out for a walk with him. Take your phone and leave her phone very close. Tell her you need to have a talk with your husband and ignore the cold shoulder or the guilt. You are doing enough having her live with you.

Have your husband speak up too, as that generation of women still respect the "man" and work over the daughters with guilt and manipulation. It worked for me and has our life so much better.

Next thing you know, you may be able to get out for a quiet dinner...just the two of you like it should be.

Good luck!
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As far as I know, receiving the cold shoulder is not fatal. At least I've never seen it listed in an obituary. Stress can cause physical harm -- both the stress of unearned guilt and the stress of constant caregiving with no respite. Don't give Mom's cold shoulder more importance than it really has. Go about your activities cheerfully when you return. Her snit isn't going to be fatal to her, either.
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Hi , My Mom is also 95/ she worries when I go anywhere without her ( that does not happen often) When I need me time she takes defense to it as though I am tired of her . She will get an attitude, She will almost make it miserable for me before I go anywhere. Now I don't share my plans till I am ready to go. She also says" If anything happens to you what would happen to me". I do have another sister whom cared for Mom for years. and shares in sitting with her. It is hard to deal with.
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I've noticed that at times, my parents will exhibit odd and what I consider inappropriate and childish behavior when they don't like something that I do or say. I just consider it for what it is. I can't please everyone and I do what I think is right and fair for all, so I just let it roll off my back.

MOST of the time, they will later come and apologize. They'll say they are sorry they spoke so short or said something hurtful and that they do appreciate all I do for them. So, that lets me know that I'm on the right track. I can't let their behavior dissuade me from saying the truth, make tough decisions and go about my life. I won't be manipulated. I have peace with that.
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So glad I found this website!! I read each and everything you had to say and feel optimistic already. It is nice to know I am not alone on this journey and I can reach out to others who truly understand. I intend to continue time away and certain it will feel better soon. Thanks for all your concerns and good advice!!
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My hubs is a "stay at home" guy since his retirement,, I work full time, 3 x 12 hour shifts a week with an almost 3 hour commute. My mom still wants to plan all her appointments on my days off.. because she doesn't want to "bother" my hubs. He is the stay at home guy because he lost his job, and it was almost retirement time anyway, and more cost effective for him to stay home than for us to hire a "babysitter" for mom.. no way was she going to go for that! I get the dr apts where she has to undress,, she is hard of hearing and needs someone in the room with her.. but the dang pharmacy? or hairdresser? Lately he just says "off we go"! She is learning to deal.. but it does hurt his feelings sometimes.
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Oh yes I have this exact same issue my mother ,thinks I have to at the house 24 .....7...if I even go to the barn she'll call me on her phone to tell me something stupid...she doesn't even want to be alone with PT.   She'll ask me to do something ,I answer she says, what so I talk louder  then she says I am mean ,and yelling, at her I only spoke louder because she did not hear me...then shell say something like oh i just hate to ask you for anything.    and my mom is not afraid to ask ANY ONE to wait on her!! SO IT'S KIND OF LIKE SHE'S THROWING DARTS AT ME ......trying to make me feel guilty!!
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