My mother is and has been my fathers caregiver. She recently had a health problem that put her in the hospital and then into a nursing home for rehab. During this time we moved my father in with us. He is in a wheel chair. When he was here we found him a family dr... because he had none. We got a growth taken off his ear that was cancer, we took his support socks off that hadn't been taken off for months if not a year. We bathe him from head to toe which he told me he hadn't been bathed since I did it last.. and his body was in really poor condition. So bad that a nurse came into our home to help care for his legs and other areas... Now my mother is home and has once again started being his caregiver.. this was after I had arranged for women to come in and help her care for dad. She fired everyone of them. and now I know that he will not be bathed or taken to the drs. She believes she is the one in need of care not him. He can wash himself but not in all places. He can't do his own socks and they are hard to put on and off but you can't leave them on for months at a time. My sister lives about an hour away and she sides with our mother that he needs to bathe himself and the socks can stay on every day and night for weeks at a time... I found out my dad had what sounded like a mini stroke. His head fell to the side his eyes rolled back in his head and he was completly out of it, and mom didn't even call 911 to get him help. She started telling everyone that me and my husband abused my dad when he was here at our house and now he cries out in his sleep from staying with us. I quit talking to the both of them and my sister. I just have tried to not think about what's going on over there because I can't do anything to change it and I am really upset with my mother because we put together a care plan to help in dad's care and she would not take the help and my dad now being cared for by someone who can't do it. He has pressure sores that has come on his heel of his foot, and his bottom. I hate that we can't care for him and he will not say anything bad against my mother. So I can't even call someone to check on him... anyone else have to deal with a similar situation... would love to hear your story. My mom has always been hateful and I can't talk to her. I even lined up a therapist for her to go to after going home and she never really benifited from it. She was not honest and so the meds she is on is not what she needs..
Maybe if they lived together in a more 'eyes on them' kind of facility, things like the not bathing and not changing socks would receive more attention.
DH had to wear compression socks for 6 months following his heart attacks. Those things are HARD to get on. It took both of us to get them on him. An old frail lady could not do that by herself!
Hopefully your parents have all their legal ducks in a row to make helping them easier and fully legal (durable PoA, Health Care Directives, Living Will, etc). If no family member has durable PoA, this needs to happen, if possible. If they are both resistant to this, it changes the approach of how to help them. Please let us know if anyone has legal authority to act on their behalf, as appropriate advice will depend on your answer.
In the time being, you may need to bring your dad back into your house so at least one of them gets proper care. This seems less than ideal, but if your mom is firing the helpers I don't know what else to suggest. If you have durable PoA and are the one arranging the helpers please tell the company that your mother has no authority to fire people and they are there for your dad. She may or may not "retain" this information but you will need to work around her for the sake of your dad. Getting help for her will be a different story.