My mother with dementia is angry all the time and verbally abusive toward my dad. We want to hire help, but Mom is refusing. Not sure how to proceed, suggestions?

Your mother has dementia. She cannot be in charge anymore and is no longer calling the shots.
She doesn't want someone coming in to help so your father can go out?
Too bad. Paid help will be coming in.
The correct way to respond to her refusal of help is to just proceed with bringing the paid help in. The first few times they are at the house you or your father should stay for their shift. This way your mother can get familiar with the person. Then your father can start going out. He should wait until the caregiver arrives before leaving though. Tell the caregiver not to tolerate any mouthy or belligerent behavior from your mother. If she acts up and lashes out at the caregiver, they need to tell her that they are there because her doctor and family sent them to help her out. Your father should not tolerate her lashing out at him either.
If you have adult daycare in the area, your father should have her going a few days a week whether she wants to or not. Most of them even provide transportation to and from home.
An adult with dementia has to be considered like a child. We do not allow children to be in charge. We make them eat their veggies, take a bath, change their clothes, go to school, and go to bed. You have to do the same with an adult that has dementia.

Does ur mom just treat family members with her anger or is it everyone?
? When we were looking at Al for dad... He was able to stay at home alone cause as sepsis resolved his cognition got better.
Al tour guide told us at times she was embarrassed that the lo treated her so well but treated family members like dirt. Can u test that out with a stranger to see how she would act after action is taken?
And the human service profession learn that as anger is just an
Emotion. They don't need to fear it's just an emotion they r more likely to observe it to and speculate what is causing it..
Hope u and ur father can get less infected by her anger or so she can't control u.


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She has dementia. Introduce her to the new caregiver as a friend, and enroll her in your Mom's life.

Dad is likely still in the denial stage.

Slschiller: An individual with dementia should not make any decisions as their brain is broken.

I did a double take. Thought I wrote this.
Just returned home from 5 hrs with my Mom. 2 hrs up & back..
Same except my Dad passed in January. And my Mom has been mentally ill for decades.
We pulled my Dad out for last few mos of his life w/24-7 Caregivers. Better for him to pass in peace surrounded by loved ones.
I am debating the same re: my Mom. She can afford & I think more human interaction would be good for her.. Then again the NPD-Borderline (she tore into 2 Solicitors who phoned today) & Early Onset and horribly argumentative behaviors...coupled with some odd "love bombing" in places...hard to figure out what to do and when.
I think my Mom has to slip mentally more OR she will tear into an aide or assistant.
Your Dad does not deserve this. A change for him would be good. Can he live with one of you or he stays there.. & she goes somewhere else?
But she sounds like my Mom. Doubt she would leave and go elsewhere..right?

Sounds like you lovingly need to push the envelope and hire a caregiver whether she wants it or not. There are ways to try to be sneaky about it. Hire someone that is a caregiver but tell them to act like a housekeeper and just do some housekeeping and be there for her talk to her, listen to her, offered to help in an easy care free way and let it grow from there. Your father he knows his wife and this is a quite an adjustment for him to do too and he wants to be there even though she’s abusing him. He loves her. It’s time for the extra mile love. She is dealing with an internal battle besides the disease and you just got a love love love love love.

You know it’s like a child who doesn’t wanna listen and as a parent you just gotta take control in a loving way sometimes; it’s just reversed now. Start reading up, go to a support group, start researching and be firmly grounded in loving support no matter what comes. God bless you and your dad and mom.

Tell her “the doctor” says she has to have someone a few days a week, might be worth a try? This is so hard, also if she’s taking a statin consider not continuing ( which many people are ) that can make dementia worse, it cuts off the cholesterol to the brain as well as body

Your dad needs the break or this will take a toll on his health.

Seek out the evaluation of a geriatric psychiatrist for your mom. She may need a little helping bridging to a new loss of independence.

She hopefully can get enough help that she can be civil to any and all caregivers she needs help from, including you and your dad.

Carve out some special time to spend alone with him. Even if he is putting on a brave face, he is going through a lot.

Your situation is exactly like how ours was with my dad. He has advanced dementia. It started being verbal towards my mom then it started getting physical. He refused any in-home daily aid. My mom was a prisoner in the house because he couldn't really be left home alone for a long time because he was scared. She would go in short spurts to pay the bills and do the grocery shopping. But in April, it got so bad, we had to have him removed from the house and placed in a nursing home, otherwise, we feared my mom's safety was in jeopardy as was his. I'm a long way away from them but I was able to get a social worker involved, which made all the difference for us. You will probably need to help guide your dad to make a decision for her. I feel for you both. It's so hard to watch a loved one go through this and know there is nothing you can do to make them well again. I would encourage you to find someone to come in and relieve your dad so he can enjoy life. I'm sorry you are dealing with this but know you are amazing for trying to help where possible.

sending lots of hugs your way! i hope things have improved since you posted, some days ago!

Get a caregiver & say she’s there to help you..not her. Meanwhile, caregiver can give her shower & wash her hair, help around house w laundry or whatever. Dad needs a break. I feel bad for you & Dad. Hugs 🤗