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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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The customer service rep at the furniture store will exchange it, but we have already missed 2 appointments because those days she liked the couch. I’m lost.
My mom today was complaining about her shoes and eyeglasses. She wants new pairs of both. I know that no matter what she gets, she won't like it. Let her no there will be no more returns.
My mother was never satisfied with ANYTHING she purchased, ever. She made a hobby of bringing things back to the store, in fact, including a beef roast BONE she'd say was very tough. When she lived in AL, she'd get the mini bus driver to take her back to the specialty shoe store to return the "ugly" shoes I insisted she wear to cut down on the endless falls she'd take! She'd write to companies like Oil of Olay for instance, complaining about some minutiae in the cream (that wasn't true) so that they'd send her a coupon for a free jar! And on and on.
By the time her dementia progressed, you can imagine that even the adjustable bed and mattress I'd gotten her was "a big POS". By then she was wheelchair bound and the mini bus driver didn't take requests, thank God. She was stuck with the Ugly Shoes and the Big POS of a Bed too. I no longer took back her purchases or entertained her hobby, those days were over. Buyers remorse was a thing of the past.
Make it clear to your mother there are No Returns on couches or anything else she buys anymore. That ship has sailed. Otherwise you agree to jump down the rabbit hole WITH her.
It is time now for your mother, whose dementia is this far progressed, has no control of her finances and has a good conservator (if you are not already POA) managing finances for her. See an Elder Law attorney.
Happy flies out the window when dementia walks in the door.
Keep this in mind throughout this journey with mom. It isn't your job to keep her happy in the first place. You can't fix dementia and suddenly she's all moonbeams and butterflies. Once you accept that happy isn't possible, you can ratchet down to good enough IS possible, and that it's all you can achieve these days.
The mattress is firm, now you need to be! Try paying less attention to her complaining. I agree that Seroquel might be a big help.
My Mom has started doing the same thing. So now I either ignore it when she wants something that she doesn't really need or I make up a reason why it can't be returned. Distract, redirect. I had to give her a different phone -- one that I control who she calls and who can call her -- because she was forgeting how to use her appliances and insisting they were defective, then haranguing me to return them or calling their customer service relentlessly. She couldn't make up her mind, so I made it up for her.
You are going to have to be in control and not let her take you on wild goose chases, since this is where it is mostly all going to go now. Her days of making purchase decisions is over unless you want to fight daily about it. Stop bringing it up, don't tell her your plans, etc. Distract, redirect, or walk out of the room.
I wish you success in drawing boundaries when it comes to dealing with her. She can't help it. Now you're the only one who can change.
In my experience, with two parents in their early 90s with dementia, I think they were aware of the loss of control they once had.
I felt the same way as you--that I could not make them happy. But I learned, because of their dementia, I was burned out by thinking that I could!
I just could not beat this thing called dementia. It is cruel.
The parents I once had were different. No longer were they the rational adults in the house who were in charge. That role became mine.
But I did not want that role.
I think, in your case, it's not so much about the couch. It's about the dementia, the changes your mom is experiencing. The inability to make a decision. The concern. The fear. The confusion.
I might suggest this in each response I write, but the only thing that helped both my parents was Seroquel, with an as needed anti-anxiety.
It made them relaxed. It made them sleepy. But it made their lives more peaceful. And mine, too.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
By the time her dementia progressed, you can imagine that even the adjustable bed and mattress I'd gotten her was "a big POS". By then she was wheelchair bound and the mini bus driver didn't take requests, thank God. She was stuck with the Ugly Shoes and the Big POS of a Bed too. I no longer took back her purchases or entertained her hobby, those days were over. Buyers remorse was a thing of the past.
Make it clear to your mother there are No Returns on couches or anything else she buys anymore. That ship has sailed. Otherwise you agree to jump down the rabbit hole WITH her.
Keep this in mind throughout this journey with mom. It isn't your job to keep her happy in the first place. You can't fix dementia and suddenly she's all moonbeams and butterflies. Once you accept that happy isn't possible, you can ratchet down to good enough IS possible, and that it's all you can achieve these days.
The mattress is firm, now you need to be! Try paying less attention to her complaining. I agree that Seroquel might be a big help.
You are going to have to be in control and not let her take you on wild goose chases, since this is where it is mostly all going to go now. Her days of making purchase decisions is over unless you want to fight daily about it. Stop bringing it up, don't tell her your plans, etc. Distract, redirect, or walk out of the room.
I wish you success in drawing boundaries when it comes to dealing with her. She can't help it. Now you're the only one who can change.
I felt the same way as you--that I could not make them happy.
But I learned, because of their dementia, I was burned out by thinking that I could!
I just could not beat this thing called dementia. It is cruel.
The parents I once had were different. No longer were they the rational adults in the house who were in charge. That role became mine.
But I did not want that role.
I think, in your case, it's not so much about the couch. It's about the dementia, the changes your mom is experiencing. The inability to make a decision. The concern. The fear. The confusion.
I might suggest this in each response I write, but the only thing that helped both my parents was Seroquel, with an as needed anti-anxiety.
It made them relaxed. It made them sleepy. But it made their lives more peaceful. And mine, too.