To get straight into it, my 92 year old mother had a tickly cough so, I gave her some glycerin to sooth her throat (pharmacist approved the medicine for her) She refused to use the medicine after initially accepting it saying the medicine would make her ill THEN she said it was out of date and when I checked infront of her, it was fine.
I brought her a beautiful blanket/shawl to keep her warm and snugg, she loved it, but when I visited her a day ago she said she was using it as a blanket for her friends dog!! - OUCH!!
She can not open any of her windows as they are all stiff and refuses to allow me to oil the hindges incase I damage them - they are already seized but she will not let me help. Her house smells musty and manky as she has no fresh air.
Sorry this is very short, direct and to-the-point but I feel so rejected and frustrated when she belittles my little gifts and efforts to help her.
When she insults, is nasty or abusive pick up your stuff and leave, do it every time. If she calls you and starts hang up.
The only behavior you can control is yours.
My aunt has dementia and every time I went out of my way to help, she would refrain me from helping her. She would only allow me to do so much without getting upset.
I would send gifts, food basic needs to her. I called and she would never mention them. She'd just get vile towards me.
It was hurtful and I would tell people and they would laugh it off and say it's her age or her dementia and don't take it personally. Keep calling, keep sending, but I just stopped altogether. I have feelings and I have my pride.
Some people are just miserable and ungrateful and you can't change them.
If your mom is an ingrate like my aunt, you're better off stopping and stepping back, or you'll wear yourself out.
I know what you're going through.
In such a place, they make sure there's ventilation, that everyone is warm enough or cool enough, and gets their meds on time. You can blame her good care on them, and you visit as her beloved child and friend. She may be nasty to them, but they have ways to accommodate that.
Yesterday while visiting my husband in memory care, one of the residents was being angry toward one of the aides. The aide said, "Jean, I'm here to help you, but if you're going to talk to me that way, you'll have to leave the table." Jean kept on with the verbal abuse, and the aide wheeled her from the table to the TV area where several others were watching a musical. The aide kissed Jean on the forehead, told her she loved her and would be back to check on her in a while.
So much for the "awful miserable cruel care and mean and neglectful aides" that so many people are afraid of on here. I hope I'm lucky enough to be in such a care facility if I ever have dementia! OP, your mother should be there NOW.
You seem to be new here on AC so I want first of all to welcome you.
I encourage you to stick around a read for a week or so, go back on the threads and see what people are dealing with. You will both "see" your mom, and you will for CERTAIN see so many who are 10 times worse.
Now I don't know your mom of the "days of old" when she was younger. She may have been completely rational, very loving, your best friend. In that case all of THIS now comes as a dreadful shock. Or she may have always had these tendencies?
It is very difficult for us --the seniors-- (I'm 82) to begin the losses of all we once held precious. Our thick hair, our white teeth, our acute hearing, our balance, our continence, our multitasking-abilities, memories, and MOST OF ALL for some of us, our CONTROL. Seems EVERYTHING is slipping out of our control.
Some of us tend to approach all this with our boxing gloves raised, even though it does us no good and we can't even get out of our corners of the ring anymore.
We try the patience of everyone around us. We know it. We feel bad about it. We move inexorably from respected, loved, needed to being a pain in the bottom.
Forgive us when you are able.
Go into the bathroom, put a pillow over your mouth and SHRIEK like mad when you can't.
As much as I understand that you are frustrated I agree completely with Geaton below, and when I read some of the posts today I think you are doing "pretty much OK" with it for this day. I mean some of your post shows you have a solid sense of humor despite it all.
Again, welcome to this Forum.
Her rejecting your efforts to help her is a pretty common dementia behavior. You must now decide how much you wish be involved with "helping" a person in denial of their condition and unwilling to go along with any help. If you are not now her PoA then this will be doubly difficult to do.
You may need to report her to APS. She will get on their radar as a vulnerable elder and when things get "bad enough" they will put her on track for a court-appointed legal guardian so that someone is able to legally manage her affairs and make decisions on her behalf.
She now has a broken brain. It helped me a lot to learn about dementia by watching Teepa Snow videos on YouTube, so I didn't wear myself out putting my efforts into areas that wouldn't be helpful any more.
I'm so sorry for these circumstances but you've come to the right forum for support and practical advice from a large group of seasoned caregivers who have "been there and done that". You don't want to burn out trying to orbit around your LO. Now you're the only one that can change. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey with your Mom.
Some people as they get older become very ungrateful and nothing you do pleases them. Sounds like your mom is one of those people, so quit trying so hard to please someone who will never be pleased, and get on with living and enjoying this one life you've been given.
Life is too short to waste your time and energy on folks that don't appreciate you even if they are your parent.