My mother, who has dementia, is verbally abusive to her husband. Is this a hallmark of dementia?

Yes, progression of dementia can cause this kind of behavior but sudden changes in behavior can also be caused by a urinary tract infection (UTI). You can get a UTI test from the pharmacy and test your mom. However, if she has a UTI she'll need to see a doctor because she'll need to be on antibiotics.

I suggest your mom see the doctor who diagnosed her dementia and see if he/she will prescribe anti-anxiety medication for your mom. Or perhaps in getting your mom checked out for a UTI her doctor can prescribe medication to calm her down.

I don't know if your mom is going crazy or not but dementia is a brain disease that affects different people in different ways. Your mom has brain damage from the dementia and it's progressive. It will never get better, only worse. It might be time to discuss this with your dad. He has a long, difficult road ahead of him and if this is how your mom's dementia is going to be your dad is going to need help with your mom whether it comes from family or home healthcare or placing your mom in a facility. Trying to care for her is going to drag your dad down significantly. He may have to make some difficult decisions.

Babl...she sounds exactly like my mom. The rampages are vicious and heartbreaking. My mom's tend to be brought on by stress (having company over, something break down at the house, someone in the hospital, Tuesday (just kidding) and so on...

She's not yet been diagnosed, but her sibling passed away from dementia. She too had huge fits and fights with family.

So difficult to watch when all we crave are good times and good memories with her.

Praying you get answers.

Thanks for offering this, Eyerishlass. Your words here are full of valuable insight. I plan to write another letter to her doctor in the hope that they will call her in to check her for a UTI (she's very resistant and combative which adds a lot of complexity to trying to get her in for appointments). I do have a great deal of worry for my dad and the stress this is putting him through. Your words are a great help and I'll be sure to have him read this.

Sarahk60 -- thanks for sharing what's happening for your mom. I can definitely agree with what you're seeing. When my own mother first started going on these rampages we all took it personally, wondering what we'd done to ignite it. But now we're seeing that any stress, from anywhere, can bring it on. Though the attacks are directed very personally, with unkind words and rage directed at whoever is present, we've begun to realize that it seem to be brought on by just about anything that causes her stress in anyway.

Dementia robs everyone: the person who has it, the person taking care of them, and all of those who come in contact. Once dementia takes hold, you are no longer dealing with the parent you have always known. When dementia becomes abusive, it may be best to be in a facility that can be the “bad guy”. Of course, then they will try to guilt you to take them home. But, at least it limits the time you are being abused.

If the Aricept is in pill form, possibly you can crush it and mix it into something she is going to eat. You have to be sneaky sometimes!

My Mom is going through the same outbursts and rages right now. It seems to come and go every few months, and then she will settle down, but lately she hasn't settled down. In person I can usually distract her and redirect her attention, but over the phone she is awful to me. Yesterday she called me an A$$hole, and I calmly told her that I was not an A$$hole. Earlier in the day she called wanting to go to the library, and when I told her it was closed she erupted into a screaming rage and I hung up. The memory care facility has permission to give her Ativan if she's really acting up, but they gave it to her one morning before her gym session and she was quite unsteady and almost fell down. We see the neurologist in a couple weeks and I am hopeful that the doc can tweak her medicine so that we can once again have a relatively calm and content phase. I hate seeing her so unhappy, but I know there's not much more I can do. She loves going on outings to the library and gym and movies, but she's starting to completely forget that she's gone to any of her beloved activities, so the only time she seems content is during the outings, and she can't be on outings 24/7. It is not a realistic solution.

I have to vent/whine some here, though if anyone has any advice, bring it on!
Everyone's dementia posts here have been helpful in educating me. My 96 year old mother is just beginning to show mental decline by accusing me of underlining words in her dictionary! I have ascribed previous hurtful things she said and did to meanness, and more recently to probable life-long paranoia. Because she has always talked ill of my father, of some others (and of me to others) I had learned to walk away from her as she still (barely) takes care of herself in a studio in my little house. However, with all of these posts, I am beginning to see that I have to change my own understanding (and not be hurt anymore). I will not be able to change the course of her disease, nor do I see a way to be free of her. It's heartbreaking how many of us have to be dealing with such situations...how many lives are affected. If she or I had the money, she would be in a facility - she gets along great with strangers. She has just a little too much SS to qualify for a subsidized place. I dread the future and resent it. My mother excused herself from caring for her own sweet mother, though she would have been in a good position to do so, and left it all up to her youngest sister. She truly enjoyed the independence I subsidized when she was in her seventies and early eighties. Now she lives with me (in my seventies) and I see no way out to enjoy freedom from her heavy presence in my last, good, mainly healthy years........ I have supported her emotionally and/or financially since I was 12, and though she is in almost constant pain from stenosis, she is iron willed about continuing this state of affairs.....96 going on 106. One thing I am grateful for is the emotional support of my good brothers. My mother, who is always the injured party, has burned her bridges with both wives so neither brother can ever take her.
That's my vent. I know it could be worse. And I do love my mother who is admirable in many ways.
Thanks for "listening".

Yes, this is typical dementia. The person is not who they once were at all. My own late mother called me the most horrible of names-"Hitler" because I had to move in with her from another state and take care of her. I dismissed it, else I would have gone crazy.

Oh my! I'm overwhelmed and grateful for the support and compassion in everyone's answers - thank you! I had heard that those with dementia can get mean sometimes, but when it happens to you, it can feel so personal and isolated. It's such a help to know we're not alone in this. Like others have echoed here, my mom will not take the Aricept medication she had been prescribed. One of the quirks she's developed in the last year or two is reading all the fine print and warning labels on everything from pills to harmless household items, and then getting very scared and upset by it. I hope and pray that this phase she's going through, with the outbursts and meanness, will let up at some point, as one person pointed out (thank you!). In the meantime I will do what I can to support my dad (and also my mom, although she's refusing to talk to me right now after having a blow-up at me) and will keep reminding myself that these ugly episodes are hallmarks of the disease and not reflective of the mother I remember prior to all of this. Thank you.