My mother wants to move in. Any advice?

So any responsibilities to think about besides companionship. Do your homework about your mom's care. One arrangement is placement to a facility for her care. Her money pays for it. When her funds run out, she can apply for Medicaid. Forget about inheritance.

"We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable."

DON'T DO IT.

Maintain your boundaries for your sanity.
Yes, of course, she'll refuse every suggestion. Expect this and do what you need. to do. And, if you are not her POA, she does whatever (else) she needs and wants to do as an alternative to living with you.

You are (potentially setting yourself up) in a no-win situation.

Gena / Touch Matters

If she is helping you pay some bills I think it puts you in a tough spot.

Perhaps she could use that money and hire help leaving you free to work (as long as your own health and situation allow).

I tried to move my mom in with us after we found a massive bed bug infestation at her home. It only lasted three weeks and we took her home with 24 hour care. There were a hundred reasons it did not work. And it was just took much work as she was almost entirely incapacitated by this time. I had help from my husband and it was to difficult even with two of us.

Since you are alone it will be to much work for you. I would start exploring other care options now. DON’T WAIT. If you wait to look when the time comes it could be a hard road. I speak from experience.

Do you have medical POA? If there is a Trust? get it out and review it thoroughly. You might find a quirky clause like we did that further complicated all her care, (physical and financial ) issues.

Like many others I could go on and on with this issue but I tried to keep my response short.

Good luck.

You absolutely should not sacrifice your home and life unless you agreed to do it years' ago as part of a plan. I suspect your parents never made a plan for when they couldn't take care of themselves. My folks didn't either. Do what works for you with your mom, she will adjust or make another plan, you are not it!

Tell her she lived her life. You want to live yours. It's not fair to put your life on hold for her. She probably didn't do it for her mother. Why should you do it for her? She has options. She can exercise them. Moving in with you is not one of them, and tell her end of conversation. Tell her it has nothing to do with love. it has everything to do with wanting to continue to love her. If you were to put her needs ahead of yours, you would begin to hate her. And you don't want that.

umm you said your mom helps you with bill paying. If this is true, maybe she needs to stop so she no longer needs to save money

Apologies if someone has suggested this, but this is a very long thread, so I only read the first 10 or so replies.

Maybe if you get a coule of Webcams in her house it would make her feel better, as you could check from next door....even talk to her if you need to...?

I have one in my mom's living room...she live's 2 1/2 to 3 hours away, so it's nice to check in and see if she's in her chair moving around.

No is a complete sentence. It’s one I struggle with, but really, “No” truly is a complete sentence. What I mean by this is for every reason you give, she has a counter. Stop giving reasons.

”No. Let’s talk about something else.”
”No. Oh, look at the time, I have to go.”
Etc.

I took care of my dad for 4 years. The first 2 he was in his house, and I in mine, 5 miles away. I alternated locations where I cooked and where we ate meals as Dad could still drive. Then he became seriously ill. He moved in with us for about 5 months, until a health crisis meant he had to be closer to services (we’re rural). Those 5 months were exceptionally tough, rewarding, tough, tough and tough. And we got along great. Not the situation with you and your mom.

You spent 9 years with hands on caring. That is plenty. You already know that living in the same space will not work.

No is a complete sentence.

My best, and good luck!

Nope, nope, nope.
Her wants do NOT supersede your needs.
You live right next door and are doing plenty for her.
The sulking will not stop just because you give in and move her in with you.
In fact, she will see that it worked and will do it even more over every little thing.

I'm glad to read that she has money. Let her continue with her current situation and then AL or SNF as needed.

Don't do it. It ruined my marriage. Now we're divorced because of her. She was at our house about every night. Where do I get the peace at?

your mother is either being selfish bc she doesn't want to go to assisted living or is afraid being alone at her age. having no other family to help out is not good. although you could have family and still have to do things alone. trust me on that one! don't allow gult feelings to get in the way of how you would like to live. you are close enuf now!! can you get an aide to help out or any friends of yours who are good with seniors. how about telling your mother that going to at least a daily invite with people her age would be good for her eg. a senior bus trip or senior lunch, sometimes experiencing that is the first step. Good luck

My short answer - don’t do it. My mom and step dad always assumed they’d move in with me when the time came - and then they had to stay with us for a week after my step dad had a heart attack. Then my mom needed to be hospitalized and they really wanted her to go to an adult family home (without him). I absolutely knew that neither my husband or myself could live with them and be happy. I really stood my ground and helped get my mom on Medicaid and them into assisted living together. It’s been 8 months and I know they still are a bit hurt that it wasn’t in with us, but I guess I felt like I could live with a little guilt as opposed to us being miserable. Stand up for what’s best for you!

Not a good to move yorur mom her in with you. You will take on too much responsibilities. What and her medical condition conditions? Are you retirement age? If so, you are sacrificing your own welfare. Your mother can hire aids to come 9n ti help her and give you a break.

Is there another condo in the building that she can move into? Sounds like she's ready for assisted living, so Visiting Angels might be a great way to go for now.

Give her options (call A Place for Mom) and do not make YOU one of those options.

Nope, nope, nope.
Her wants do NOT supersede your needs.
You live right next door and are doing plenty for her.
The sulking will not stop just because you give in and move her in with you.
In fact, she will see that it worked and will do it even more over every little thing.

You live next door, not working, and she helps you by paying some bills. It would appear that you are both helping each other. Moneywise, if she was not paying bills for you, would that amount be enough to hire some in-home help for her? Maybe some house cleaning or just in/out couple of hours to do some chores and check up on her? How much time does she currently spend alone each day? Maybe she's still quite independent.

I can see where she is concerned about saving money. Whatever she has will have to cover her needs as they increase until she leaves this earth. Any chance you could both sell your condos and get a bigger place with more space AND hire some help to come in so everything doesn't fall on your shoulders?

First of all, so sorry for your loss and your Mom's life companion. And bless you for being such a person that you could, and would, move next door! I'm going to be the devil's advocate here, only because I've had some of your same conflicts and my life changed for the good! My guess is, I don't think money is the main thing for her. Clearly she is afraid of being alone. And like everyone, she wants to be around whom she is most comfortable with, especially at that age, and that's you! :) With your Dad dying, she is not only grieving, as you are, but surely feeling she is next in line for a fall, dementia, or dying. And she is! At one time I resisted being around my Mom too much. Polar opposites (though I now know we were much more alike than I thought). I wanted to leave it to my oldest sister, who loved being around my Mom. Made perfect sense! Unfortunately, my Mom would deteriorate quickly when around her too much. Not a bad person, just lack of judgement. Like leave her near stairs, on a rolling walker, with dementia. I caught her just as she had put the front wheels of her walker on the first step going down. So, life evolved to me mostly there 24/7. Excruciating at first! In SO many ways. Coukdn't stand my Mom. Hardest and best thing I EVER did. I learned to ADORE my Mom!!! I realized we had so much in common. We became wonderful companions. I loved her so much that though I needed the breaks I would worry when I wasn't there. My only regret was in her last 2 weeks, when I could NOT be there. She went to the hospital during the strictest of covid. We were not allowed, even though she was a scared wild animal without us. They traumatized her. Mentally, emotionally, physically. They battered her fragile skin, gave her horrendous bed sores. She thought the men were raping her, the women torturing her, with their rapid-fire cleaning regimen. She tried to bite to protect herself since she was so weak otherwise. It was a horror, yet the hospital said they had it handled. I soon wanted her back home, where we successfully managed all of that. I SO wanted to comfort her and heal her. They healed the inside infection, but because of all the hospital related infections, she never made it. We never got to say good bye. All that loving care, and I couldn't be there when she needed me most. The point is, I pulled my hair out resisting my Mom. Once I submitted, it became the hardest thing ever (yes it will try your patience!!), but the biggest GIFT of my life!!! I would do it all over again. Be there while you can. Don't miss the opportunity being presented to you, to have a rich and blessed relationship with your Mom. You won't regret that you at least tried! But hire someone to help! You will need to get away. Or get volunteers from senior services. You will have some added $, and be the decision maker. And now 1 house to clean, 1 set of bills to manage etc. That part your Mom was right about. No judging whichever way you go, but your feelings sounded so much like mine in the beginning I had to put all this out there. Best of luck!!!!!

Just say NO

One time a woman sat next to my mom and I in the doctor’s office. She overheard our conversation and gathered that mom was living with me.

This woman leaned over to me and said, “I just want to tell you that my mother lived with me too. I have no regrets. If I wouldn’t have allowed my mother to live with me then I would have regretted that I didn’t care for her in my home. You will never regret it.”

Mom was sitting right next to me so I couldn’t speak freely about my feelings. I wanted to scream hearing what she said, because I did regret my decision.

For one thing, who knows how long her mom lived with her. Maybe it was only a short amount of time and her mom didn’t have any major issues. Some elderly people are healthy overall and they simply die from old age.

Mom lived with us for 14 years, with health issues, which is way too long!

I am the type of person who can get through anything if I know that it is temporary. The stress of never knowing when the caregiving would end killed me!

We need to be aware of what our parent will need regarding their care. I was incredibly naive. Hindsight is 20/20. I certainly should have educated myself on how Parkinson’s disease progresses.

The responsibilities of caring for an individual that has a neurological disorder such as Parkinson’s disease or any other serious condition becomes increasingly difficult as time goes by.

I feel that living together places stress on the mother/daughter relationship. It changes the entire dynamic of a relationship and unfortunately usually not for the better.

One major change in dynamics is due to a role reversal. We are assuming the responsibility of becoming a parent to them by caring for them in our home. They in turn lose their independence and are totally dependent upon us. It’s sad really, for both parties.

My mother moved in with us in October after my dad went into rehab. It is SUPER stressful! My suggestion.... don't do it!. If I had it to d o over again, I would never do it!

You have said it in your description. You need to have your own space. You have been a wonderful daughter and have already made many sacrifices for your parents. Keep your boundaries. If you and your mother can afford to live in separate spaces, you should keep it this way for your own mental health. Remind her that you live very close to her, you are still caring for her and will do so as long as needed. Make sure all of her paperwork is in order: setting up powers of attorney for medical (healthcare proxy) and financial matters, having a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will, if she has assets. I'm assuming you will be her POA and beneficiary. You also need these documents for yourself and you could do both at the same time. You'll probably need an attorney to assist. My mother made things easy for me by making me joint owner on all of her accounts when my father passed away. I also got a credit card on my mother's cc account with my name on it so that I could purchase things for her. Also make sure that you are on file with social security and medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. You can do this with a phone call with her sitting next to you. If appropriate, ask her if she would like for you to take over her financial matters (if your father had been doing this). If she agrees, have all the bills sent to your address, or go paperless. If you do end up hiring caregivers, be sure to lock up all of her valuables and personal papers, especially financial papers. If possible, this would be a good time for her to go paperless. Stick to your guns. You also should have a good life! This is a difficult discussion to have with your mother, and if she does not cooperate, you should still have a plan for a time when her care may be too much for you to do alone. Her basic options are in-home caregivers or moving to assisted living/memory care. Sadly, her health is likely to decline as she gets older (it happens to all of us). It's not really your job to entertain her. She's an adult and should find things for herself to do. But having just lost a long time spouse, she may find it difficult to do things on her own. Maybe in time she'll consider moving to assisted living; they provide activities, she'll be living with people her own age, they make sure she takes her medications, feed her, help her bathe and dress, do laudry and housekeeping, etc. In the meantime, you might take this opportunity to help her declutter and downsize. All the best to you both!

Some questions first: Do you own the Condo? Is it possible to get a larger home so both your mother and yourself can have separate areas of the home? Like an apartment that has 2 master bedrooms on opposite sides of the home. You also say that your mother is helping you some financially, however she wants to save money by living together. This is understandable since I feel from your comment that neither of you are getting rich. When both of you are paying rent/mortgage, 2 electric bills, 2 cable, etc. bills, also if you both drive, saves on auto insurance and even rental, etc insurance. Maybe you should add up those bills and see what together you can afford.

Everyone needs to remember that your parents took care of you...every little thing until you were at least 18. You are complaining about helping her for 9 years...one day she will be gone...you still owe her nine years. As some on here have suggested that you need your space to form other relationships - it is called going to his place! It doesn't have to be yours!

No one's preference, etc. needs to be sacrificed! My daughter lived with me for about a year and we each basically stayed in our areas until we met up in the common areas for food, entertainment, etc. She may just want to know you are there for her. Keep talking together and make a plan. Good Luck!

Just tell her that her care needs are starting to become beyond your ability to help and she will need nursing home soon, let her be angry, she needs you more than you need her.

If whatever excuse makes her “ hurt and angry ( and manipulative), try the truth. For you, it would not work. No. And get a part time job so you won’t be as dependent financially. I would guess that will be her next chess move. Don’t get into all the emotional mumbo jumbo and psychiatric diagnoses one reads. I, by the way, have a doctorate in clinical psychology. Sounds like your Mom is used to managing relationships in a certain manner. Unless you want to be managed as long as you both are nearby, you better change how you handle relationships. Or move her in and repent at leisure. Good luck, change is scary and difficult. Consider it though.

Don’t let it happen your life will be forever changed. You have your life she has hers. Don’t let her take your life away.

Stick to your boundaries

Be 100% clear and honest

mom, we’ve had a combative relationship on/off for years

i don’t have the mental or physical strength todo this

i love you, but you cannot move in. If we need to explore Assisted Living, or a visiting caregiver, let’s plan for it.

you are right, and I’m sorry if this upsets you, but I do NOT want you here. I can’t do more for you. I just can’t.

everybody is afraid to say the blunt truth. She’s an adult. If it makes her sad, it’s expected cuz she’s lost and scared. But you already know this will destroy what’s left for YOU

I AGREE THAT YOU AT LEAST NEED A PART TIME JOB

It will set clear boundaries.

Don’t let her move in. Can you find an outside job (it doesn’t have to be a paying) so that she doesn’t think you have tons of spare time for her?

She is lonely and you are a convenient companion. She is not truly aware of all the anxiety she gives you. She needs new friends and new activities. Can she volunteer somewhere? Can you introduce her to a new activity like volunteering at a church or school?

Because your Dad has passed, her world is not as full as it used to be.

Good luck.

You state that it is the truth you don't want her, you don't want her living with you. It's commendable you state that clearly here; unfortunately she interprets that as rejection of her as a person; she is aging, which brings fear and sadness and loneliness. We cannot turn back the clock; we all have to adapt. Living nextdoor is what I suggested to my mom after dad died, to help her but not irritate each other since we also had a complicated relationship. My mom even rejected that idea! Living next door is ideal; you have your space, she has hers; now find ways for mom to save money where she is; if you are dependent on her for money maybe you could also transition back to some work to be out from under that financial situation.

Let me present a different Perspective - as a 77 yr mother who might need to have my only child help one day; I think you should say no, not for your sake, but for your Mom’s. Money might be an issue, but peace of mind is priceless. Your mom might feel that moving in is the only way to save money - are there programs in your state that might be of assistance? Call the department of aging and see; if her income has declined, she might be eligible for assistance. Just continue to tell her every day “Mom, I love you and I will be here to help you, but we both need our space.” Her peace of mind will be better if she is not in a space of confrontation. Good luck, know that everything will work it’s self out.