My mother wants to move in. Any advice?

Please, please don't do it. You need your own space to decompress in or hide as the case may be. We let my Mom build an apartment on the end of our house with our garage in between. I did not realize how manipulative and demanding she can be. She insists on surgeries but won't do any physical therapy because it hurts, so basically can't use her shoulder, hand and has degenerative disk disease in her back. so is constantly in pain. Keep your space seperate and she will just have to be hurt rather than consume 100% of your life or space, If you can afford it a good therapist can definitely be helpful.

You really can't control another person's feelings. If your mother feels bad, that's how she feels. It doesn't mean you have to give her what she wants. Clearly explaining it to her doesn't help so you can just apologize for causing her hurt feelings. You don't, however, have to try to make them go away. If she were a child asking you for matches to play with, you'd have no problem saying no and living with the consequences.

I can honestly say to you, don't do it. I'm sorry for others who may disagree but with an already tumultuous relationship, it will only get worse. TRUST ME ON THIS.

I am in this situation as we speak and I can only tell you that I so wish I had NEVER AGREED to it. This was 8 years ago and she didn't have dementia then but she does now and this has been the worst couple of years of my life. WORST - it is damaging relationships, marriage, ALL of it and I am beyond and beside myself. You need to live your life and you should because you will never have a life again to live.

I'm sorry for the brutal honesty and I'm actually not even one to reply here but when I saw your subject line, I just had to.

It should be on your terms what you want, but you also stated that she pays for your bills as well. ( how much of your living expenses does she pay?)
I took care of my grandparents for over 10 years of my life and lived with them as a caregiver. I would say it was the worst, since the rest of my family didn't want that responsibility. CHF and Alzheimers..
I would like to be more grounded here though then what other people here are saying ( it is easy to say don't do it and don't do this), since I know caregiving lacks the necessary income to live. If she is paying for those bills out of her own pocket and she decides to cut you off can you survive? She can move on and if she had the money go to an assisted living facility and live the rest of her life there. It is expensive to live as of this moment so it can be understandable why she wants to move in to save money.

How would you feel if it were you? Remember that we all go though it?

Many of us here are stuck. We made decisions which we unwillingly entered into out of compassion (at least, I'd like to think so). It looks like you did, too. It's a lot like the Brer Rabbit story about the tar baby. At 92, your mother may have a dozen years yet. Or not. Mine is 101, and we rescued her from a bad situation almost four years ago. She lives with us, and is yearly losing skills, but wishing to die at home.

My best advice is to not dig yourself in any deeper. Take her to see some assisted living places in your area. Find out what equity she has in her house, and see if that could cover rent in another place. The gifts that you get out of caretaking are only gifts that you give yourself. If her moving in with you would make your life much worse, don't consider it.

My MIL wanted to move in with us to save money after her rent went up...by $5 a month. I said I'd pay her $10 to stay put. Kidding aside, there was no reason for her to move in with us, and it would have been a terrible situation for all of us.

I think you have answered your own question, you are not comfortable with it at this time. I can assist with our decision, my mother was living further, 1 hour by car and the family was travelling back and forth to support her. she did not want to go to assisted living in her town but agreed to move in with us. i have a 1300 sq ft home, with 3 adults living here, myself and 2 adult children. It was not our choice that she move in here, we would have preferred assisted living and there was a center that is 2 blocks from home. She moved here 3 years ago and we made it work, but it is a big adjustment.

Space safety
We had to make a lot of changes to make the space safe for her, add bars in bathroom, remove carpets, add a lift to stairs, change door handles, add emergency call buttons, list goes on.

Odors and cleaning.
My mother smokes and she agreed to go outside, but her clothes still smell. She also wears diapers, and is very clean and good but they still smell. She has accidents, like all of us do, but someone else needs to clean up. She has a small kitchen and we need to have someone come in regularly to deal with food waste, spills, and take care of her meal prep.

Spaces and limits
When living with other people, you each need space for your own enjoyment. we were able to accomodate this, but the spaces and rules need to be well defined. One of our rules was the main kitchen, besides annoying me if she uses it, it is not safe. we also do not go into a bedroom without knocking, and we have separate areas for watching TV and reading. Make sure that everyone has their comfort zones.

Noise
When you think about noise in our house, you also have to think about routines, what time do you get up, go to work, eat, cooking in the kitchen. When you have someone who is a night person and another who needs to get sleep at night you will have a problem in a small space. We need to set boundaries, everyone is quiet by 11pm until 6am weekdays, all TV are off, and no cooking.

Not a Companion or a Nurse
Although we live in the same space, I am not my mothers companion, I am her daughter, and provide financial support and talk to doctors, she still has her PSW, person to clean, take her to appointments, and she can go see her friends or not. we do not eat every day with her, but we do have planned family time. Make sure that living in your home does not also include you being a companion, a housecleaner, a driver, or administrering medications unless you want this role. She may be assuming this is coming with the move. It is a living space.

It's hard to know what would be best for someone else. Sometimes when we do what's best for us, it actually works out to be the best for everyone. Even if it takes some time and some anger for that to happen. It's also difficult to make decisions when guilt is driving the bus.

As I talk to people who have "moved mom in" one common conclusion is that it is unlikely to improve the relationship between the two of you. I've also seen that trying to explain things so Mom "gets it" is not going to change her opinion.

You've done heroic work to date. I wonder if the heroic thing to do at this point is what you know is best for you. Wishing you a peaceful solution.

Please don’t do it. I know that sounds cruel. But I’m in the situation now. Regret it every day. Parents 99 and 85. Wish I would have found them a home with people who are trained to help them and understand their needs. Not having an emotional connection where childhood trauma does not help. I’m so burnt out and unhappy.

She’s 92. What’s she saving her money for? She can’t have more than a few years left - so I’d look at her finances overall and see how long she can continue. I’d also insist on her having a caretaker. She doesn’t seem happy with any solution you offer, including a caretaker. So what? She’s unhappy. What else is new.

My mother is miserable in AL. Says it’s like being in a tomb. Well somehow she thinks she’d have visitors or a social life (that she’s NEVER had) in an apartment alone?! So she’s unhappy. I don’t recall her being happy a single day of my life. Happy is not even the goal in my eyes. Safe and fed is all I hope for now.

My mom always says “it’s always something,” very dramatically. And when you think that way? It is.

Happy is a choice we make every single day. I don’t know why so many of our parents choose unhappy. This site proves it. Some of the most sickly and unfortunate oldies are happy and good natured. Some oldies without debilitating ailments are miserable. We get to choose which we want to be.

I agree with Saiyuri83. How much of your bills does she help you with? Can you "survive" without that help should she decide to stop helping you? Realistically, is she "all talk, no action" since YOU manage her bills and finances? It's a fraught relationship when you are an only child with no help from family or friends. Will she REALLY cut you off?

As parents age, their world drastically shrinks and their child(ren) become their world. They aren't comfortable socializing with strangers (at senior centers, etc) and they want the status quo. YOU are their world. Of course, she would want to move in with you. In her mind, it would be ideal. On the other hand, YOUR world would change drastically. Your privacy and ability to come and go uncontested from your home would be gone. She's not really understanding this dynamic, or if she does, she doesn't want to hear or accept YOUR reality. Just keep repeating she does have choices: (1) Stay where she's at; or (2) Move to assisted living (which will be WAY more expensive). Period. End of discussion. Tell her you will not discuss moving in with you.

The elderly are stubborn. When my Mom was in the hospital for 2 weeks after my Dad died, she was scheduled to be released. The Social Worker said she needed to go to rehab for several weeks to regain her strength. I was her only child out of 3 who did direct caregiving (showers, taking to doctor appts, etc). She was flat on her back in the hospital for 2 weeks. She NEEDED a rehab stay to regain strength AND give ME a break. She was argumentative and insisted she was "going home". I said, "No, your going to rehab. Period." She then clapped back, "You don't control me!" I then told her that she's right. I can't control her from doing things NOT in her best interest. Then I walked out the door of her hospital room and didn't go back. The hospital SW knew she was not safe to be discharged to home.

I was the "point person" for the doctors, hospital SW, nurses, etc for my Mom's care. My brother was a warm body who basically sat with her in the hospital. They all could (talking to him) see he was not able to fully care for her at home although he lived with her. So a day and a half later, I get a meek (and weak) apology message on my home answering machine that she "wants to go to rehab." I didn't want to resort to my actions, but ending the conversation and walking out the door, apparently got her to the realization that I was the only competent child that always had her best interest in mind. Needless to say, she went to rehab and only needed to be there 2 weeks because I insisted to staff that she use her walker to "walk" to the dining room and not be pushed around in a wheelchair. Her legs were strengthen and back home she went.

So the moral of my story is ~ stop letting her bully you with insisting that she move in with you. Tell her that's NOT an option. (See (1) and (2) options above.) Case closed.

Let me present a different Perspective - as a 77 yr mother who might need to have my only child help one day; I think you should say no, not for your sake, but for your Mom’s. Money might be an issue, but peace of mind is priceless. Your mom might feel that moving in is the only way to save money - are there programs in your state that might be of assistance? Call the department of aging and see; if her income has declined, she might be eligible for assistance. Just continue to tell her every day “Mom, I love you and I will be here to help you, but we both need our space.” Her peace of mind will be better if she is not in a space of confrontation. Good luck, know that everything will work it’s self out.

You state that it is the truth you don't want her, you don't want her living with you. It's commendable you state that clearly here; unfortunately she interprets that as rejection of her as a person; she is aging, which brings fear and sadness and loneliness. We cannot turn back the clock; we all have to adapt. Living nextdoor is what I suggested to my mom after dad died, to help her but not irritate each other since we also had a complicated relationship. My mom even rejected that idea! Living next door is ideal; you have your space, she has hers; now find ways for mom to save money where she is; if you are dependent on her for money maybe you could also transition back to some work to be out from under that financial situation.

Don’t let her move in. Can you find an outside job (it doesn’t have to be a paying) so that she doesn’t think you have tons of spare time for her?

She is lonely and you are a convenient companion. She is not truly aware of all the anxiety she gives you. She needs new friends and new activities. Can she volunteer somewhere? Can you introduce her to a new activity like volunteering at a church or school?

Because your Dad has passed, her world is not as full as it used to be.

Good luck.

Be 100% clear and honest

mom, we’ve had a combative relationship on/off for years

i don’t have the mental or physical strength todo this

i love you, but you cannot move in. If we need to explore Assisted Living, or a visiting caregiver, let’s plan for it.

you are right, and I’m sorry if this upsets you, but I do NOT want you here. I can’t do more for you. I just can’t.

everybody is afraid to say the blunt truth. She’s an adult. If it makes her sad, it’s expected cuz she’s lost and scared. But you already know this will destroy what’s left for YOU

I AGREE THAT YOU AT LEAST NEED A PART TIME JOB

It will set clear boundaries.

Stick to your boundaries

Don’t let it happen your life will be forever changed. You have your life she has hers. Don’t let her take your life away.

If whatever excuse makes her “ hurt and angry ( and manipulative), try the truth. For you, it would not work. No. And get a part time job so you won’t be as dependent financially. I would guess that will be her next chess move. Don’t get into all the emotional mumbo jumbo and psychiatric diagnoses one reads. I, by the way, have a doctorate in clinical psychology. Sounds like your Mom is used to managing relationships in a certain manner. Unless you want to be managed as long as you both are nearby, you better change how you handle relationships. Or move her in and repent at leisure. Good luck, change is scary and difficult. Consider it though.

Just tell her that her care needs are starting to become beyond your ability to help and she will need nursing home soon, let her be angry, she needs you more than you need her.

Some questions first: Do you own the Condo? Is it possible to get a larger home so both your mother and yourself can have separate areas of the home? Like an apartment that has 2 master bedrooms on opposite sides of the home. You also say that your mother is helping you some financially, however she wants to save money by living together. This is understandable since I feel from your comment that neither of you are getting rich. When both of you are paying rent/mortgage, 2 electric bills, 2 cable, etc. bills, also if you both drive, saves on auto insurance and even rental, etc insurance. Maybe you should add up those bills and see what together you can afford.

Everyone needs to remember that your parents took care of you...every little thing until you were at least 18. You are complaining about helping her for 9 years...one day she will be gone...you still owe her nine years. As some on here have suggested that you need your space to form other relationships - it is called going to his place! It doesn't have to be yours!

No one's preference, etc. needs to be sacrificed! My daughter lived with me for about a year and we each basically stayed in our areas until we met up in the common areas for food, entertainment, etc. She may just want to know you are there for her. Keep talking together and make a plan. Good Luck!

You have said it in your description. You need to have your own space. You have been a wonderful daughter and have already made many sacrifices for your parents. Keep your boundaries. If you and your mother can afford to live in separate spaces, you should keep it this way for your own mental health. Remind her that you live very close to her, you are still caring for her and will do so as long as needed. Make sure all of her paperwork is in order: setting up powers of attorney for medical (healthcare proxy) and financial matters, having a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will, if she has assets. I'm assuming you will be her POA and beneficiary. You also need these documents for yourself and you could do both at the same time. You'll probably need an attorney to assist. My mother made things easy for me by making me joint owner on all of her accounts when my father passed away. I also got a credit card on my mother's cc account with my name on it so that I could purchase things for her. Also make sure that you are on file with social security and medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. You can do this with a phone call with her sitting next to you. If appropriate, ask her if she would like for you to take over her financial matters (if your father had been doing this). If she agrees, have all the bills sent to your address, or go paperless. If you do end up hiring caregivers, be sure to lock up all of her valuables and personal papers, especially financial papers. If possible, this would be a good time for her to go paperless. Stick to your guns. You also should have a good life! This is a difficult discussion to have with your mother, and if she does not cooperate, you should still have a plan for a time when her care may be too much for you to do alone. Her basic options are in-home caregivers or moving to assisted living/memory care. Sadly, her health is likely to decline as she gets older (it happens to all of us). It's not really your job to entertain her. She's an adult and should find things for herself to do. But having just lost a long time spouse, she may find it difficult to do things on her own. Maybe in time she'll consider moving to assisted living; they provide activities, she'll be living with people her own age, they make sure she takes her medications, feed her, help her bathe and dress, do laudry and housekeeping, etc. In the meantime, you might take this opportunity to help her declutter and downsize. All the best to you both!

My mother moved in with us in October after my dad went into rehab. It is SUPER stressful! My suggestion.... don't do it!. If I had it to d o over again, I would never do it!

One time a woman sat next to my mom and I in the doctor’s office. She overheard our conversation and gathered that mom was living with me.

This woman leaned over to me and said, “I just want to tell you that my mother lived with me too. I have no regrets. If I wouldn’t have allowed my mother to live with me then I would have regretted that I didn’t care for her in my home. You will never regret it.”

Mom was sitting right next to me so I couldn’t speak freely about my feelings. I wanted to scream hearing what she said, because I did regret my decision.

For one thing, who knows how long her mom lived with her. Maybe it was only a short amount of time and her mom didn’t have any major issues. Some elderly people are healthy overall and they simply die from old age.

Mom lived with us for 14 years, with health issues, which is way too long!

I am the type of person who can get through anything if I know that it is temporary. The stress of never knowing when the caregiving would end killed me!

We need to be aware of what our parent will need regarding their care. I was incredibly naive. Hindsight is 20/20. I certainly should have educated myself on how Parkinson’s disease progresses.

The responsibilities of caring for an individual that has a neurological disorder such as Parkinson’s disease or any other serious condition becomes increasingly difficult as time goes by.

I feel that living together places stress on the mother/daughter relationship. It changes the entire dynamic of a relationship and unfortunately usually not for the better.

One major change in dynamics is due to a role reversal. We are assuming the responsibility of becoming a parent to them by caring for them in our home. They in turn lose their independence and are totally dependent upon us. It’s sad really, for both parties.

Just say NO

First of all, so sorry for your loss and your Mom's life companion. And bless you for being such a person that you could, and would, move next door! I'm going to be the devil's advocate here, only because I've had some of your same conflicts and my life changed for the good! My guess is, I don't think money is the main thing for her. Clearly she is afraid of being alone. And like everyone, she wants to be around whom she is most comfortable with, especially at that age, and that's you! :) With your Dad dying, she is not only grieving, as you are, but surely feeling she is next in line for a fall, dementia, or dying. And she is! At one time I resisted being around my Mom too much. Polar opposites (though I now know we were much more alike than I thought). I wanted to leave it to my oldest sister, who loved being around my Mom. Made perfect sense! Unfortunately, my Mom would deteriorate quickly when around her too much. Not a bad person, just lack of judgement. Like leave her near stairs, on a rolling walker, with dementia. I caught her just as she had put the front wheels of her walker on the first step going down. So, life evolved to me mostly there 24/7. Excruciating at first! In SO many ways. Coukdn't stand my Mom. Hardest and best thing I EVER did. I learned to ADORE my Mom!!! I realized we had so much in common. We became wonderful companions. I loved her so much that though I needed the breaks I would worry when I wasn't there. My only regret was in her last 2 weeks, when I could NOT be there. She went to the hospital during the strictest of covid. We were not allowed, even though she was a scared wild animal without us. They traumatized her. Mentally, emotionally, physically. They battered her fragile skin, gave her horrendous bed sores. She thought the men were raping her, the women torturing her, with their rapid-fire cleaning regimen. She tried to bite to protect herself since she was so weak otherwise. It was a horror, yet the hospital said they had it handled. I soon wanted her back home, where we successfully managed all of that. I SO wanted to comfort her and heal her. They healed the inside infection, but because of all the hospital related infections, she never made it. We never got to say good bye. All that loving care, and I couldn't be there when she needed me most. The point is, I pulled my hair out resisting my Mom. Once I submitted, it became the hardest thing ever (yes it will try your patience!!), but the biggest GIFT of my life!!! I would do it all over again. Be there while you can. Don't miss the opportunity being presented to you, to have a rich and blessed relationship with your Mom. You won't regret that you at least tried! But hire someone to help! You will need to get away. Or get volunteers from senior services. You will have some added $, and be the decision maker. And now 1 house to clean, 1 set of bills to manage etc. That part your Mom was right about. No judging whichever way you go, but your feelings sounded so much like mine in the beginning I had to put all this out there. Best of luck!!!!!

You live next door, not working, and she helps you by paying some bills. It would appear that you are both helping each other. Moneywise, if she was not paying bills for you, would that amount be enough to hire some in-home help for her? Maybe some house cleaning or just in/out couple of hours to do some chores and check up on her? How much time does she currently spend alone each day? Maybe she's still quite independent.

I can see where she is concerned about saving money. Whatever she has will have to cover her needs as they increase until she leaves this earth. Any chance you could both sell your condos and get a bigger place with more space AND hire some help to come in so everything doesn't fall on your shoulders?

Nope, nope, nope.
Her wants do NOT supersede your needs.
You live right next door and are doing plenty for her.
The sulking will not stop just because you give in and move her in with you.
In fact, she will see that it worked and will do it even more over every little thing.

Is there another condo in the building that she can move into? Sounds like she's ready for assisted living, so Visiting Angels might be a great way to go for now.

Give her options (call A Place for Mom) and do not make YOU one of those options.

Not a good to move yorur mom her in with you. You will take on too much responsibilities. What and her medical condition conditions? Are you retirement age? If so, you are sacrificing your own welfare. Your mother can hire aids to come 9n ti help her and give you a break.