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My 93 year old strong willed mother recently became very ill and had surgery. Was in ICU for 3 weeks. She is going to a nursing home to rehab. She is not eating very well and going on hospice. She wants me to move in her condo with her. I told her when she is stronger she can move by me. She won’t. She will not talk to me now and says mean things to me.


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Onhold, most of us were raised to not question our parents. Some parents even told some of us that when they became unable to care for themselves, they would become our responsibility.

I’d like to say that if Mom isn’t speaking to you now, your problems with her are over or at least “on hold”. But I know that you feel obligated and guilty. The question is how much are you willing to give up for her? Your life as you know it? She’s in a snit now. Will she continue to sulk if you take on her care and don’t do what she says? Could you stand to live with her 24/7 in a small condo and do the work of three shifts of caregivers? Has Hospice given you any sort of time frame? Have they suggested that she should go from rehab to a skilled nursing facility? If Mom has her mental abilities intact, she needs to understand that you are not a medical professional. The cost of transporting her to your area or to your home would be phenomenal. If she lives with you, you will need to turn your home into a handicap accessible hospital room. If she doesn’t, you will need to find a facility near you or a home that is handicap accessible. Those are like hen’s teeth. IMHO, tell her you will come help her find a facility there and if she throws a fit, finding someplace to go from rehab is up to her.
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I think you're seeing a little slice of what things would be like if you moved in with your mother. Don't let her wear you down so you agree to live with her just to have some peace.

You said she'll be going from a nursing home to rehab which buys you a little time. Maybe you can get her a bed in a nursing home near you. She can still be on hospice in a facility.

Please don't uproot your life to move so far away.
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BlackHole Sep 2019
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I wouldn't take her in with me either. If she does head to your area, let her go to AL, at 93 that is where she needs to be.

It is ok if she doesn't talk to you, let it be, see what she does next. Those of that generation are both stubborn and good at manipulating.
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Are you able to go to see her temporarily while she's in hospice? You will need to do this to get a complete idea of the situation, at least 1 week.

Do you have durable PoA for her?
Has she ever had a cognitive eval?
What are her financial means?

If you don't have DPoA and she has no dementia, then you have no real control over her situation. If you are able to visit her, make sure she signs a HIPAA release so that her docs can speak to you and you to them. Ask her docs to covertly perform a cognitive eval, and also test for a UTI as an infection in the elderly often goes unnoticed except for change in behavior. Especially if she's in the hospital this increases her chances of having one.

This is enough to start with. Also, IMHO, she should cover the cost of your travel expenses, if she has the means and is willing and it's a financial hardship for your family. Blessings and good luck!
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What illness does she have that is allowing Hospice to become involved?
Are you in touch with the discharge folks at the hospital? Are you getting the information about her condition from her, or from her doctors?

Has she been diagnosed with dementia?

This may be a situation in which you might need to fly to her location and see what the situation REALLY is.

But not to move in.
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