My mother refuses medical care and has fallen and hit her head. It's been explained to me that no one can force medical care on her. Help!

I feel I've taken away her final wish to die at home. I'll never forgive myself.

Norecess, that, to me, is the crux and core of dementia--attribution of fault for all that is wrong to the caregiver. It sucks, big time.

(((((Hugs)))))) and hoping for some treatment for mom and peace of mind for you.

When you have a moment, let us know how you got her to urgent care!

We're at urgent care and she will be admitted for brain bleeding. She is incredibly angry with me for causing all of this. Apparently she wants to be left alone to die without any medical intervention which makes me incredibly sad. I did however get what I've wanted since my caregiving began with her: she will finally see a doctor after two-plus years of refusing to do so. As she stares at the ceiling and I sit here helpless to even speak, I wish I could understand why there is such a sea of hopelessness and helplessness separating the two of us.

That's exactly what I was going to suggest Blannie!

You could also try guilting your mom into being seen by telling her if something happens to her, YOU could be in trouble for not taking her to get checked out. I used that on my mom a couple of times when I needed her to do something (like turn on her air-conditioning when her apt was 87 degrees) and she didn't want to do it. She would do it to protect me. Sometimes it worked.

Dear NoRecess,

I'm so sorry, I know how hard it is when your parent is refusing care. I know you don't want to fight with her or go against her wishes. But in these cases, I find you have to go against their wishes. Call 911. Let the doctor know she refuses but you are concerned about her welfare. There is no choice.

Growing up I was passive and tried to be the good girl that did what her parents wanted. There was no back talk, no questioning, but I feel as an adult child that is a fatal mistake.

The roles are reversed and we must take charge. We must be assertive. Our parents might have undiagnosed medical conditions affecting their judgement and behaviours.

I hope you can get the help you need for your mom.

Thinking of you.

Ok, here’s the problem. You don’t indicate if Mom suffers from dementia for sure. That’s something you really need to know. If you finally get to the ER or doc with her, she could turn around and say, “Well, I told her to call 911 but she wouldn’t” because basically you never know what’s going to come out of their mouths. So then, they’d probably be required to call APS on you. You could be accused of abuse or neglect. Stranger things have happened.

FrequentFlyer made a wonderful suggestion in an earlier post. Could you tell Mom that she HAS to be checked out because she’s falling so much and if Medicare finds out she wasn’t checked out to find out why, they could drop her? That’s what we call the “therapeutic fib”. You mention that Mom has cancer. Has she doctored for that? A word in her oncologists ear might help, too