My Mother passed last week.

When life is difficult I tell myself that these are life lessons I have a need to know, even when I can't understand it at the time. I'm sorry for your loss.

dlpandjep, I have opened your post because one day I will be here too, and I know I will feel exactly how you are feeling right now. I would probably write not just the very same words, but also the same "number" of words, cause that type of pain doesn't allow much more. I've been there before, I can recognize it.

For this reason I'm writing to you, and to my future self, to say:
I'm feeling so close to you in this moment, and I'm carrying a little bit of your pain for you, to make you feel lighter even if just for a moment, enough to hear your mom close to you again, enough to see in her smile that she knows, she just knows how much you love her. Your mom is with you, and will be, every single step.

many blessings
Arwen

Your post shows both the grief and the thankfulness of having this whole love in your life. You will be OK. I am so sorry for your grief. Celebrate her. For me, in my recent loss of my brother, the thing that helps me is writing him notes of things I would tell him were he here, making collages of some pictures of him from when he was younger, reminding me of what a whole person he was, how whole he was, how lucky we were to have one another. It truly helps me. Your Mom will always be with you, and you will see and hear her in many things throughout your life. Hugs out to you. Try to leave any guilt to the side. I think it comes to us to keep us from feeling the pure grief. Guilt assumes that there is something we can change, something we can do, something we SHOULD have done. Grief lets us know that something is over, and we must mourn it. Embrace the mourning when it comes, but embrace the joy as well; she would have wanted that for you.

I am quite sure most caregivers including myself have lost our patience at times, I was impatient with my mom at times and yes I felt guilty, but I think of it this way, I take care of my mother 24/7 for twenty years and I was bound to lose patience at times, from lack of sleep, being tired, stressed, but does not mean we do not love and care for them. I love my mother more than words can say, and that outweighs any impatience on my part. Hold on to those dear memories of your dear mother and keep them close to your heart. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this most difficult time. So sorry for your loss.

Dear "dlpandjep,"

My sympathy to you and your family in the recent loss of your mom.

I understand your feelings of it being a long and difficult journey, one you wish you hadn't experienced.

I know that my turn is coming as my mom has had Alzheimer's probably since 2012/2013 but wasn't diagnosed until 2014. Believe me I was very impatient especially in the beginning as the diagnosis made me angry, I was super stressed as an only child being her sole caregiver to make so, so many important decisions and one of them actually being a life or death decision. I will feel the same way when that day comes for me.

Your mother sounds just like my mom - selfless, loving and putting the needs of others before her own. It doesn't seem right that my mom didn't have the exact same thing in return. I am much better with her now and I give God all the credit for that as there is no way I could have made any of those positive changes under my own strength and power.

Just hold on to the fact you were blessed to have her, try to think of all the times you did do right by her and push the imperfect moments back as best you can.

Even though we most often hear about the 5 stages of grief, we don't often hear about the 12 steps of grief which was put out by a funeral home - one of them being "Grievers suffer Guilt Feelings." So that tells you, you're not alone in what you are experiencing.

I will pray with you - that God will "give you strength to keep on keeping on."


"...Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I'm so sorry for your loss! Be gentle with yourself and remember the good.