Follow
Share

Everything I do is wrong. He is trying to override decisions that were made by mom. I am Executor of the Will and he is saying that it is not true. The Trustee has the original will as does the Funeral Home but he continues to phone the Funeral Home to change things. The Funeral Home are fed up with his interference. His actions are making this a very difficult situation. I have no time to grieve myself due to his continuous blowing up my phone with horrible texts. I do not answer them except once a day but only comment to things if he is seeking information. I have been asked to save the texts as they may be needed for evidence that is how serious this has gotten. Has anyone else gone through a family nightmare when it comes to a funeral? I am not sure how much longer I can keep up with this kind of treatment.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Just completely ignore the text. Tell the funeral home to ignore him as well. This is fairly common.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Butterfly72 Sep 2020
Thank you for your comments, Funeral Home is only speaking to me.
(2)
Report
Call the police and have the court issue a restraining order on him.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Butterfly72 Sep 2020
The police have been involved to to abuse and a restraining order is being strongly considered
(3)
Report
I have had issues with siblings. I blocked their number. Sometimes there is no reasoning with them. Don’t stress yourself out.

Best of luck to you.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Butterfly72,
I'm so very sorry about what you've been going through. Now is the time when family needs to stick together. Loosing a parent is the hardest loss. Especially if you were the one caring for her. For me it was almost like loosing my child. And you haven't even had the chance to truly grieve yet. My 1st thought was to tell you to block your brother's texts. But someone told you you may need those for court. Unfortunately that's probably going to be very true. Butterfly72, I think I would just try to ignore ALL his texts, including ones asking for information. He may only be asking for "information" just to see if you're still reading his texts and haven't blocked him yet. I don't remember, did you say you've been to see an attorney? If not, I think you should. I know it's just adding another thing on your enormous list of things that need to get done. But the attorney would be able to give you great advice on what to do and it may even be able to mark off a thing or 2 on your list. You are in the right. Your Mom made YOU the one to take care of things afterwards. I'm so sorry Butterfly72. I can only imagine the stress this is causing for you. But, it will get better.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Butterfly72 Sep 2020
Thank you for your comments.
(1)
Report
Consider very carefully- you are doing what is right and honest, and NOTHING he does or says can touch you.

If you have a close friend who can do this, have THEM save the texts once a day, but don’t read them.

If anyone complains to you about his co duct, briefly and firmly state that you are the final authority regarding your mother’s estate and that he has NO LEGAL SAY.

Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself.

If you are honest and truthful and legally covered, you have nothing to fear from him.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Death and grief tend to bring out the worst in people, especially those who were UNHELPFUL during the last days of the loved one's life. I suspect this describes your brother.

Save all those texts and audio messages! You may need them as evidence later.

Tell the funeral home to deal ONLY with you and ignore your brother.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Butterfly72 Sep 2020
The Funeral Home and I have a security code in place as certain person has had people call saying that they are me. They deal only with me!
(2)
Report
This is the brother who had care of your Mom and was abusing her? Who had POA?

Good or bad, he has held controll all this time. Its going to be hard for him to give it up. Sort of between a rock and a hard place here. POA stops at death, Executor doesn't take over until the Will is probated. I would just ignore him and tell the funeral director the same thing. With COVID, are you going to be able to have a full funeral? Maybe just placate him. Same with funeral director. Just say yes and do what you want.

I would recommend that you start Probate as soon as ur state allows it. Mine I think its 9 to 10 days after the death. This will at least establish that you are Executor. Probate will need the original Will to file it. Then its public record. You will get a copy. You can then give brother a copy if he is a beneficary if not, he is an interested party. At this point brother will just need to wait for an accounting. Debts will need to be paid. As Executor you are entitled to a % of Moms estate. My state its 4% and goes down as the worth of the estate goes up. I don't think you can close Probate till a certain amount of months go by, my state 8. This gives debtors time to put claims in. I had a lawyer in the final steps of Probate. He did the accounting. May want to do this since brother is such a pain. Brother will not get his inheritance until he signs off on the accounting.

So sorry about your Mom. I know the whole situation with her and your brother have been heartbreaking. Now its do what needs to be done. Close out her life, he gets his share and then you can walk away and have nothing more to do with him. And make him aware, your done and he is not to contact you in any way. He is now on his own. And stand by that decision. Never give in because you'll just get sucked back in to his drama.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Butterfly72 Sep 2020
Yes this is the B! The Public Trustee and I are now handling all paperwork. There are 2 storage units full of mom's things and B will not pick them up, so as of the end of September everything will go to auction or donated. The money for the storage units has been coming out of the Estate.

Each evening I turn my phone off so that I do not have to put up with his texts. I have saved everything as I have been advised by Public Trustee and the Funeral Home.
(4)
Report
I don't really understand. JoAnn apparently did enough research to know this brother was POA and was caring for Mom. Is there something he would or would not want done at the funeral. Is it something you can accommodate?
As to the will (you mention a will and a trust?) I agree that you should continue with your work on it without his help. I will tell you that I recently settled the estate of my brother as his Trustee, and I did hire a lawyer, whom I needed to use very little, but when I did she was an absolutely godsend. Without her I would not even have an EIN today with the backlogs at IRS. She was wonderful and she only used a few hours, so well worth it. She wrote my letters to any party with an interest in the trust; she made certain all i's dotted and all t's crossed. I came to just love her. I recommend a lawyer if there is any money at all. If the money is now essentially gone, I STILL recommend it, just to close this all out and satisfy the brother.
My sympathies on your loss and I hope you find the great peace that I have found in my own case.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Butterfly72 Sep 2020
I only found about B taking mom to a lawyer to change the POA to B once mom was hospitalized. He would not give the hospital the information required, he felt that his word would be good enough. At that time mom was of not sound mind but the lawyer did the paperwork anyways. The POA was revoked with in 6 weeks of having been signed. I need to find a friend who I can tells the entire messy story. I am relieved that mom is now at peace and no longer has to deal with these things.
(0)
Report
Butterfly, I'm sorry to learn of this turmoil just after an already trying event.   I've been through this, other than someone trying to override anyone else's decisions.   

Just to clarify, you wrote that both the Trustee and the funeral home have the original will.    One may have "conformed" copies, but they both can't have the original will.   Just a clarification...

You should DEFINITELY save all his texts; it wouldn't hurt to print them out.   They may be evidence if he continues his verbal assaults and attempts to meddle.

This is what you can do:

1.   If he's an heir, you can send him a copy of the appointment clause in the Will.   Eventually you probably will have to address whether he inherits anything, but your first priority are the burial issues.

2.  I would take control, now, and advise him in no uncertain terms that you are the one designated to be in charge, that YOU will make the arrangements and notify him when and where the funeral will take place (if you're actually having one).    Also be clear that unless he has specific questions, you won't consider his advice, criticism, or any other meddling.  Period.

That's what I did, and it worked.   I also emphasized the issue that support was lacking when it was needed, and I wasn't going to be "bossed around" now.  

Then follow through; don't accept calls; save the text messages, and do what you have to do to finalize arrangements and move forward.   You may not be an aggressive person, but it might be necessary at this time.

One question:  you wrote that you're the Executrix but there's also a Trustee.   So if there is a Trustee, the two of you I assume will be working together, but the Trust typically will require much more work than carrying out the Will.    Have you discussed this and agreed on what the next steps will be?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Butterfly72 Sep 2020
Sorry for the confusion. A Public Trustee was appointed due to mishandling of mom's money and care. He has tried his best to deal with B. I am the Executrix of the will. I had been POA also but B took mom to a lawyer just before Covid-19 (not the family lawyer) to have mom change the POA to himself. Things started to downhill so the Public Trustee was appointed and the POA was withdrawn for legal reasons. I have tried to discuss the Will but he wants nothing to do with it. At this time the Public Trustee and myself are finalizing all paperwork before the Will is read.
(1)
Report
Make a copy of the will - the page that names you as executor. You may well be executor to handle the tangible things of the estate, but does it say for you to plan the funeral on your own? He is a child and should be included on the plans unless otherwise said so in writing. He may be difficult, but include him in the process.

If anything other than funeral planning is discussed, refer that to the process of the will that will take place after the funeral. I am wondering if there is no info about funeral planning because funeral home is actually having conversations with him or they wouldn't be irritated. Is it at all possible he is asking for something to be done at funeral that could be accommodated just to satisfy him for now...and maybe you have dug your heels in because of conflict. Think about it and consider.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Butterfly72 Sep 2020
Thank you for your comments. The planning of the funeral was given to the funeral home and myself years ago. B never wanted to hear about this. I have attempted to include him in every step but he wants no part of it until it is done and then he wants to change it! I have not dug my heels in as the conflict has been on going for 30 years, When he starts with the conflict I just stop listening until he calms down. I have posted for over a year on this forum and somethings will never change.
(3)
Report
You need some space!

1. Funeral home needs to deal with this clown on their own, this is not directly your problem to solve. This won't be the first time someone has made their work difficult. So write that off as your burden.
2. Is there a lawyer helping you with the will/trust? If so, tell brother that forthwith all communications are to go through said lawyer, and you're blocking him on your phone. And then block him.

For cripes sakes, you don't need this right now, of all times! And there are things you can do to alleviate. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Butterfly72 Sep 2020
Thank you for your comments. The Funeral Home is doing everything they can with regards to my B. We have had to deal with treats of snatch and grab the urn, dig up the urn. This is one time I am Thankful for Covid-19! The situation is out of a movie. I am the only person the Funeral Home will talk to and we now have a password. Niece was trying to impersonate me. I have met with every request and demand that was humanly possible. Mom had specific instructions and B never wanted to hear them. Thankfully I am a very strong person and have all the ducks in a row,
(9)
Report
Many good answers here but if your brother doesn’t stop, tell him you will have to go to court and get an order of protection against him.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

Your brother is grieving and not handling this well. You too are grieving and trying to handle the loss with grace. Time for a little more matter of fact talks with your brother. He needs to understand that you - not him - are the Executor and will complete your tasks to the best of your ability. Maybe he will be amenable to texting - or better yet emailing - his "suggestions" so as to not confuse the funeral home or others regarding your parent's estate. You can then incorporate or disregard his demands... and others will be spared his tirades.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Medicare provides a psychologist for you. A psychologist can give you a plan that will get you back or out of this so you can have some peace in your loss. He cannot change anything that is legal. He is angry and greedy and not dealing with his loss. He wants to fight over money and what else and it is a losing battle. He needs the help of this same psychologist. This kind of anger affects total body functioning if not dealt with. Do not attempt to deal with an angry person.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You might want to point out to your brother that things would have been simpler if he hadn't tried to fraudulently award himself your mother's POA when she was in no state to give it. Now there's a court-appointed trustee because he can't be trusted. He can't expect you to trust him when the courts don't. Stop trying to accommodate him. He's a crook, and he's taught his offspring to be one too. Everything you've described is not grief; it's greed, pure and simple. Hold on to the texts; you probably will need them. Get a restraining order if you have to. And find out from your lawyer if his inheritance (if any) can be deducted from any money he managed to steal from your mother.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I am sorry to say that this is a common occurrence.
Death seems to bring out the true colors of people.
Continue to save his texts. He may get more aggressive as time goes on.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
You have my prayers.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

DI what your mom wanted and don't worry about your brother.

Tell the Funeral Home to ignore the brother.

Dont' answer any of the brothers calls anymore.

Text the brother that you are following moms instructions and you will let him know of details as you get them.

Normally siblings fight over money and things.

I don't know why the Funeral Home needs a copy of the Will.

Tell them to text or e mail you a copy then text or e mail it to your brother.

Tell the brother you will schedule a meeting for with the Trustee.

Let brother know that everything will be out in the open and he doesn't have anything to worry about, that you as the Executrix will follow mom's wishes and he will be able to read everything for himself in the Will.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Butterfly72, I had virtually the same experience with my brother when my dad passed, and I am sure to have the same one when my mom passes. If you see my previous posts it's all in there. It really sucks because dealing with the grief is hard enough, but you can't even grieve when you have someone threatening you constantly. I saved all of his texts and emails and have them in a file. I was close to getting an order of protection on him, but a couple of lawyers and one psychologist had told me that in this case, they thought he'd derive real satisfaction out of "scaring" me so much into it. So I just did what you did and only communicated the barest essentials, with no reaction to any of his ridiculous provocations. Don't give him the emotional reaction he wants! That's what these a**holes feed on. Train yourself on the Gray Rock technique. After the funeral, when he sent more texts and threats, I ignored him completely. He eventually crawled back under the rock he came out from, but when he comes out again from my mom passing, I will do the same thing--only communicate what I need to and have a lawyer answer everything possible so I don't have to. Believe me, if there is any money at stake, he will stop communicating with you if he thinks it's going to cost him money, as I can take that money out of the estate. Which is his money too.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

((((HUGS)))) Family dynamics suck! Funeral homes go thru this kind of stuff all the time. When my husbands brother passed, he had signed paperwork for my husband to handle all his arrangements. I went to the funeral home and took care of everything the way he wanted it done. When he passed, mom called the youngest sister and had her contact the funeral home to with an obituary. He didn't want it. That sister never even went to see him even tho she knew he was dying. I pulled the obit. The sister that wrote it called and chewed out the sister that was caring for mom and brother that passed and mom called and chewed out the funeral home. They told mom that the kids didn't want to be included in the obit.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

So ften problems arise when a parent and or other relative makes a legal will and or signs instructions when he or she is no longer of sound mind.The caregivers andor will recipients can and sometimes do make very false statements about their siblings(that they never cared, never helped,etc. When large sums of money are involved, greed sometimes overwhelms some people.If there are wittnesses to the signing of legal documents they are apparently aways upheld in a court even if the dead person was not of sound mind at the time of signing.Trying to force any changes is pointless and useless.All older people need to arrange wills and orother important arrangements and leave them in the safekeeping of a very trustworthy lawyer while they truly are still of sound mind. Later, they may become very vulnerable and be persuaded to sign thingsthey really never wanted.Life is strange and difficult. I do realize that most wills truly are valid and that sometimes selfish disinterested people do try to unfairly harass caregivers at the death of a wealthy person.i am just saying while we are of sound mind we need to try to prepare ahead of time for every eventuality as best we can because we may become demented and vulnerable later on. I am hoping to stay in my right mind until i die and incredibly some people do. however, we cannot count on that.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

sounds like he feels guilty about something so now he wants to squak about everything cause he didn't help with anything before.  I am surprised the funeral home hasn't told him (or you) that IF he continues he will be faced with harassment charges.  And of course they (the funeral home) knows who is actually in charge (you) so they or you need to tell him that he no longer will be tolerated with harassing calls.  Tell him that once things are finalized he will be notified.  You are doing correct in only responding to him to provide information concerning the funeral, etc.  Do NOT respond in any other way to his attempts to get you mad enough to respond (because then he will have something to hold against you).  Too bad he isn't on Judge Judy, she would rip him a new one.  Sorry, just needed to say that.  I wish you the best of luck and hopefully you can soon find the time to grieve.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

My 101 year old mother went throught this with her two sisters when she was forced to take guardianship of her mother. My grandmother had lived with the younger sister and her husband for 17 years after she retired and sold her business, a neighborhood tavern. They drained her bank accounts. When there was nothing left to take the younger sister uncerimoniously dropped my grandmother off in my mother's driveway and announced "it is your turn to take care of her". My mother took took my grandmother in. She got power of attorney and then my grandmother was diagnosed with dementia, my mother finally went to court and was given guardianship. My mother wisely arranged for my grandmother's funeral too. When she passed, the younger sibling was furious that she was not told anything about the plans. This in spite of the fact that she would not communicate with my mother regarding grandmother's care in any way shape or form during the entire time my mother had charge of grandmother's care. Sadly, from the day of my grandmother's passing until today the younger sister, now 99 years old still does not communicate with my mother. The older sister did wise up after grandmother died and did re-establish a relationship with my mother. You cannot change people. The only thing you are in control of is how you react to them. The funeral director was notified about the younger sibling's anger about the arrangements and handled her anger quite well. He allowed her to come in early before the first day of visitation and let her arrange the floral arrangements around the coffin as well as "check" her hairdo. I suspect he did even more to calm her but I am not privy to it. She showed up each day of visitation but kept her distance from my mother as there was a rather large security guard present at all times during visitation hours. The funeral people should be able to deal with your difficult brother in a professional way. As for you yourself, if you had to make all the arrangements on your own, you owe your brother no explanations. You cannot control how he is treating you but you can control how you react to him. Remain calm. If he wants info give him the facts. Under no circumstances feel that you must defend yourself to him. Do not enage with him on an emotional level. It will drain you. You are grieving and that is enough on your plate right now.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
ExhaustedPiper Oct 2020
Your 101 year old mom was taking care of her mother? 😨
(0)
Report
Butterfly, so sorry for your loss. My mother also passed away on September 18, just a few days shy of her 99th birthday. Her wishes were to be cremated with no services of any kind. Because she didn't write down her final arrangement wishes, the funeral home insisted my 2 brothers sign a Delegation of Authority for Cremation Arrangements. Luckily my bros are on board with everything. Sorry you have to go through this at such a trying time.

However, it was a wake up call for my husband and I to specify in writing our final wishes. Don't just assume telling your loved ones what you want will be enough. My mother even had a paid-in-full contract with a funeral home in another state expressing her wish to be cremated. Wasn't enough.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Your brother has no authority. He can deny all he wants but he cannot change your mother's wishes if they were legally expressed/written down. Sadly, you will have to put grieving on back burner. You must ensure your mother's wishes are followed and that is all I would confirm to your brother. "Mom's wishes must be fulfilled." Keep your responses to him simple. You are strong. Your mother chose you for a reason. Hang in there!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Your brother is in the war path. Excommunicate him from your life, as it is apparent he only seeks conflict. Certainly you are not alone on the concept of a divided family, ugly behavior has no boundries, family or not. Block his calls if available, protect your peace of mind at all costs. Family are not always kind to one another. Report all activity, keep all records, and keep your guard up. Of course, each side sees it however they want, but legal papers rule the day. Peace and best of everything.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

So sorry for the loss of your mom. Certainly pass on dealing with your brother directly. He is trying to manipulate you. Don’t allow it.

If you haven’t done it already block him on your phone and social media.

Alert all concerned about his behavior and let them deal with him. The facts will speak for themselves. Be at peace with your decisions. No need to second guess yourself. You know the circumstances and what your mom desired.

Best wishes to you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Everyone else has covered everything. I can only add ((MANY HUGS))
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
Hugs are a nice addition 😊.
(1)
Report
So sorry for your loss, and for the miserable behavior of your brother. You deserve peace during this time.

Plain and simple, refer him to the trustee and let the trustee take care of dealing with his unacceptable behavior. Block him from calling, texting and social media. Keep ALL contacts from him as it sounds like you really will need them as evidence for the future.

Your mom chose you to handle things because she knew you would follow her wishes, so keep doing what you are doing and let your brother go.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Unfortunately, loss of a loved one sometimes brings out the worst in a family member. I have seen this happen over and over. Sometimes the offender is otherwise a sweet and kind person. As others have said, try to keep your distance from your brother now, but leave a way to make contact again in 6 months or a year. You may be able to redeem your relationship with him in time.

For now, do whatever you can to ignore him. You might want to ask him to write a letter documenting everything that he feels should be done and why. This may give him a way to vent that is less intrusive. Read it or not, depending on your frame of mind, perhaps one day you will feel up to it. You might also want to send him a copy of the will and any letters of instructions with a note saying that you are explicitly following your mother's wishes. If many of those wishes were only spoken, not written, this might not be very effective.

I am so sorry that you are suffering this treatment when you need to be grieving, but be assured that you can and will get through this. Promise yourself a nice little vacation when everything is done. If nothing else, make a staycation in your favorite room, stocked with treats and a long list of online travel photos. Make a few serious plans now so you have something to look forward to other than just the end of the nightmare. This kind of thing has helped me through some tough times. I hope it might work for you too.

What I have done to ignore unwanted calls and texts is to change the sound made when that person calls or texts. One phone I had let me choose silent. My current phone lacks that option so I assign those numbers a short but gentle tone. That way I don't even have to look at it, but the messages are there if/when I have the inclination to see what is up.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Butterfly72: I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Brother's cannot override a legal document. Block him via phone, text and social media.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter