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My Mother and I were best friends before her stroke. When I disagreed with placing Mom in a nursing home my siblings coerced my Mom to cut me and my family completely out of her life. I miss my Mom terribly. I don't know how to live without my Mom (she lives 20 minutes from me) in my life. I reported this and the financial exploitation to the authorities, but all I'm told is the investigation is on-going. It's been almost 6 months since I've seen my Mother and I believe it's slowly killing me. I'm living in my own hell now.

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Ladyshfr

Why would your siblings do this? What is their goal?

I know you are in deep pain, and I am sorry that this happen to you.
But have you considered that just maybe there is something bigger at work here?

This may not make sense to you right now, but I have learned in walking with our Lord that He removes people out of our lives, even people that we dearly love. You ask why would God cause me so much pain? Sometimes we don't have answers. But maybe in your case, you have become so depended on your mom, and just maybe God want's you to be depended on Him!

This is just my opinion!

I am asking you to look to Him for guidance, strength, and the answers you are seeking.

You will just have to put one foot in front of another and take one day at a time.

Please seek therapy to help you unravel your emotions about what is going on in your life. I get the feeling you and your mom might be co-dependant, which may seem like a healthy relationship, but it really isn't.

Sometimes in life things happen and it is unfair, but there is nothing we can do about it--just keep moving forward.

Heavenly Father, I ask that You help Ladyshfr in her time of need. I pray that You cover her with Your grace, peace, strength, and Your love. Heal her broken heart the way only You can. I believe that You can do all things in the name of Jesus. Amen

Say Amen if you believe.

May God be with you.
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Ladyshfr Nov 8, 2018
Amen!

My siblings are putting their needs and wants before our Mother. One sibling wants her life back, but wants to be the boss. The other two siblings are residing in Mom's house rent free and living off her money.

I only want my Mother to have an opportunity to participate in specialized brain injury therapy so that she can possibly regain some life skills and recover in her own home. My Mother's doctors thought the therapy would help, but because it would not be covered by insurance the doctors informed me that the family would need to make the decision to participate in the program. The program monthly costs are lot less than the nursing home's monthly fee. SELFISHNESS.

My Mother and I never had a strained relationship, nor did we never go without speaking to one another. We were the best of friends. My Dad and siblings all knew that what Mom and I shared was special.

I pray to the Lord daily. I pray for Mom to recover and for us to be reunited.
I am thankful for my husband and children because their love is keeping me from completely unraveling.

Thank you for your prayers too.

God bless you.
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Look very squarely at why you can't spend time with your mother.

There is a restriction. Never mind how it got there. What will it take to remove it?

Do that.

Every other consideration can wait.
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Hugs.

There's no "just" about it, though, is there.

If you were just a daughter missing the deep, warm bond you have always enjoyed with your mother, and she with you, there would be no restrictions.

Give any undertaking required, ignoring who's demanding it. Here's six months of pain gone by, and if it's for the sake of a principle, for the sake of refusing to give your word, accepting conditions as they apply for now - it can't be worth it. Surely.
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Ladyshfr Nov 8, 2018
I just want to be with/visit with my Mother. I wouldn't try to abduct her from the nursing home. When I've attempted to speak with my siblings for them to allow a visit they replied "it's not up to us, it's Mom decision". I try and call the nursing home, but am told "Mom doesn't want to talk". The problem is everyone else is relaying information to me, but not my Mother. When I asked for help with APS / Social Services whatever issue that my Mother may have with me cannot be discussed if a speak to her in person or over the phone. I'm in a lose/lose situation. My siblings have shown that they are unwilling to have me visit our Mother.

How do you move on without a parent that you shared a very special, deep, beautiful, loving relationship? I know Mom is not the same since the stroke, but that hasn't changed my feelings. Our relationship afterward was still loving and special, but we were ripped apart. That's what is killing me. I have all this love to share, but I can't be with her. I'm a tortured soul.
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Thank you for being so candid. I understand better now, I hope.

Look. Forget your share of any hypothetical estate. That really isn't the point. I might also think grumpily to myself "why the heck should she?" but that isn't the point either.

The reason you are prevented from seeing your mother without authorised supervision is that you are demonstrably an abduction risk. Are you prepared to give a formal undertaking that you will not attempt to remove your mother from her current residence - even if she asks you to? Have you already done that?
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Ladyshfr Nov 8, 2018
The risk is that Mom would have a chance to really improve. I had always been apart on her cognitive rehab. If Mom gets better the doctors may say she could live without 24hr supervision. There was a time in her recovery that I believed Mom could recover life skills to reside in her home. Once they placed Mom in the home I did not speak to her about going home unless Mom spoke with the siblings. I didn't want to get Mom's hopes up or have her obsess about leaving. It had happened before when a sibling misled Mom about going home.

All I want now is to be with Mom and for my Mother to want to be with me too. Unfortunately after speaking with niece/nephew they have heard my siblings speaking negatively about me in front of our Mother.

How do you move on without a parent that you shared a very special, deep, beautiful, loving relationship? I know Mom is not the same since the stroke, but that hasn't changed my feelings. Our relationship afterward was still loving and special, but we were ripped apart. That's what is killing me. I have all this love to share, but I can't be with her. I'm a tortured soul.
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If your mom is 79, then you're in your 50's. You're wanting to move in with your mom to do 24/7 care that will be increasingly demanding, for an undetermined number of years. I know this'll make you feel pulled in two directions, but how does your husband fit in with this plan? All too often, we put the elderly ahead of our families because of the perception we'll have time later for the others. But there are no more guarantees on how long we have our spouses and children, than there are for our parents. I hope you'll really look at the impact this will have on your own family.
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Tiger55 Nov 7, 2018
So true! Well said. It's no joke what all that stress & demand can do to a marriage... Better pay attention.
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Ladyshfr, your situation is heart-breaking.

But every time I sit down and try to think of something consoling or encouraging to say to you, which I really want to do, I fall into this black hole of missing information.

Something happened that you're not telling us about. I can guess what kind of thing. I can understand that it might well have been an incredibly distressing time or event, that you wouldn't want to revisit. That's okay.

But along the route from mother living at your home with you caring for her full time and supporting her enrichment program; to mother preparing to move back to her home; to the diversion to the nursing home where - this is crucial - at one point you were able to visit her; to now when your mother's link with you, on her side, has been damaged in a way that even the most overbearing siblings couldn't pull off on their own -

There's something missing.

What went so wrong that your siblings not only want you gone but have successfully created the consensus on that? Did you try to spring her, or something? Did a confrontation get out of hand?

Don't answer this with what lying thieving hounds the siblings are. Sure, yes, we can take that for granted - who doesn't tell whatever story serves his own interest? But the point is that lawyers and social workers and related professionals, they all *know* that.

An elderly lady is not separated from her loving full time caregiver child on the unsupported say-so of rival siblings.

So what is the real obstacle we have to get broken down and swept out of the way?
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Ladyshfr Nov 7, 2018
Yes, there was a confrontation. My Mother stated she did not want to reside at the nursing home anymore. One sibling played both sides and when we met with the financial-POA she changed her mind. I then proceeded to ask questions about Mom's finances as I was nominated as second financial -POA and I should know what's happening just in case he was unable to be the agent. Everything that I uncovered shows a trail of deceit and a feeling of entitlement by the POAs.

The real issue is that my siblings want my Mom's house (2 siblings are living there now) and they're spending Mom's money. GREEDY!

I looked into the issue that is stopping the APS and that is Mom's capacity to make decision not whether she fully understands the totality of the situation.

I told APS the attorney that I spoke with that I'd give up any right to my Mother's estate as long as I could be reunited with her and afford us the opportunity to implement my recovery plan that was previously approved by her doctors.
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How old is your mother, Ladys?

It worries me that your father died as her primary caregiver. That suggests to me that it was already quite a task. And then again an eight hour day is a lot to ask of a post-stroke patient. Still! - never say never, as long as you really are prepared to be guided by your mother's needs and best interests.

I have literally had nightmares about being in your situation - they were nightmares, this didn't happen to us in real life, I hasten to add - so I do truly sympathise with your feelings.

I don't think it's helpful to you to ascribe the worst of all possible motives to your siblings - that they want your mother's money, that they can't be bothered to play an active part in her care. It makes you feel worse, because it makes the thought of your mother being under their control even more frightening, and it doesn't get you anywhere. It's also not probable: most people most of the time do what they believe is right. You might have come to an opposite conclusion about what is right, and you may be even disgusted by some of their attitudes, but try not to see them as The Enemy.

I strongly agree with DeAnna's hope that an experienced Social Worker can accompany you on a visit. Being prepared to eat humble pie is one thing, but a visit supervised by a sibling with so much hostility in the atmosphere hasn't really got a chance of working, has it, not at this stage.
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Ladyshfr Oct 19, 2018
Mom is 79 yrs old. It was a lot for my Dad, but I was there to help them. Mom was over medicated on her release. My husband and I figured it out after Dad passed away. Mom was getting better under our care. I truly believe my Mom would get better if she were in her own with my assistance. Mom was getting better under my care, in my home, and this all happened because she wanted to finish her recovery in her own home with me, but my siblings were/are being selfish and that is a fact. It makes me feel worse hearing that they are drinking, taking vacations, enjoying life. while Mom is stuck in a 24 hour facility. If other family members want to visit, go to church, lunch, with Mom it has to be approved by the siblings. My Mom told me at one point (right before I was restricted) she was giving up. I believe Mom knowing that she is stuck in that facility and the other siblings don't allow visitors, outings, etc. are reasons why she's giving up her will to live. I understand trying not to see them as an enemy, but there is a lot of other reasons why I feel this way. I want my Mom to enjoy her life not waste away in a nursing home.

I agree the hostility between my siblings and I would be harmful to my Mother.

Thank you for your support
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Have you talked to the Social Service Department at the facility and asked if they can assist you in setting up supervised visits (with or without a sibling present)?  Maybe with SS as intermediary, a compromise can be made so that you can visit your Mom with a staff member from Social Service supervising the visit instead of your siblings.
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Ladyshfr Oct 18, 2018
I'm waiting for a response.
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Let me first assure you, Ladyshfr, that I feel very sad for your situation, and I sincerely hope it can be resolved in a way that satisfies your need to reestablish a relationship with your mother.

And I do believe that family members can be selfish and devious. I boggles my mind, but I believe it does happen. I am glad you are in counseling for your emotions and that financial situations are being investigated. How long ago did you turn your evidence over for investigation? Such matters do take time, and often staff is limited.

But I hear warning bells in your description. You were ready to send Mom back to her own house two months after her stroke. Is that what she wanted? Certainly! Is that what was really best for her? Hmm. Did her doctor give the go-ahead for her to return home? Your siblings apparently did not think that is what was best for her. Greed? Maybe. But every day she is in a nursing home reduces their potential inheritance.

You acknowledge that she needs "intensive therapy" to regain her skills. Therapy is available every day in a nursing home. Nursing homes have staff skilled in evaluating what therapies and how much is likely to be most effective.

But my biggest concern is that Mom is in a secure facility, and you think you can immediately place her back in her home. How will you secure the home? How will you provide 24 hour supervision? Maybe you have a great plan, but you haven't described it here, and it worries me. Persons don't get accepted into secure facilities unless that level of care is appropriate. The most common reason is wandering -- leaving the building without supervision and without sufficient self-awareness to be safe. That level of care is also used when there are behavioral problems that could cause harm to the patient or others.

You say, "If the authorities act timely and allow me to oversee Mom's daily care I would immediately move her back into her own home.” What qualifies you to be able to determine that is in her best interests at this time? Do you think being in her own home would magically cure her? You haven't even seen her lately. How can you be so sure of the level of care she needs?

I am absolutely sure that you love your mother very much. I am less sure that you understand what is best for her. It sounds like you are more interested in pursuing what would be best for you. I think you might be blinded by what you wish were true, instead of realistically seeing the truth.
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Ladyshfr Oct 18, 2018
My Dad died caring for Mom in their home. We could have stayed at her home after our Dad passed away, but we scrambled dealing with the sudden death of our father and Mom came to stay with me. She was getting better with therapy and our help at home. Therapy maybe available everyday, but do they do what Mom needs. I gave them cognitive worksheets for Mom to do in her spare time. I found out that my sister threw them away (prior to my restriction). My Dad and I secured all the doors before Mom was released from the hospital last year. I have a great plan...I'd live with Mom, Mom would attend therapy weekdays from 8 - 4:30pm, we'd go home together, have dinner, do chores, exercise, etc. We did it at my house and Mom was getting better. I have no doubt that Mom could go home and be happy. I would want to consult her doctors first because I do understand that Mom may have deteriorated since being placed in the nursing home. I am not pursuing my best interests. I'm looking out for my Mother's emotional /mental/physical health. Have a nice day.
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Ladyshfr, I also want to address something that you stated in a previous posting. You stated: 
“I want Mom in her home and to attend intensive therapy to try and regain the skills that were lost from the stroke. If the authorities act timely and allow me to oversee Mom's daily care I would immediately move her back into her own home.”

How much did the stroke affect your Mom’s ability to take care of herself? In other words, how much assistance/help does your Mom need to bathe, using the toilet, get dressed, walk, prepare food, feed herself, etc. Is it possible that your Mom really does need to be in a nursing home? If you research this website, you will learn just how much work it takes to care for someone who is unable to perform her own Activities of Daily Living (ADLS) unless she/he has help/assistance from others.

According to the website, https://www.sageminder.com/Caregiving/CaregivingBasics/ADLAssessment.aspx:  “Healthcare Professionals use standard scales to assess a patient's/resident’s ability to cope with life's general demands. Activities of Daily Living Scales (ADLs) are basic daily self-care activities. Instrumental Activities of Daily Living Scales (IADLs) are the basic daily activities needed to live independently in the community. You can get a sense of where your loved one stands by downloading the forms below. Health care at home really needs to begin with an accurate assessment of these ADLs and IADLs.”

I have listed below information about ADLs and IADLs and some ADL & IADL Assessment forms that you can download to your computer and use to evaluate just how much care or “intensive therapy” your Mom needs. Copy and Paste the URL to your computer browser.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/activities-of-daily-living-why-this-measure-matters-186853.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/activities-of-daily-living-defined-427356.htm

https://www.sageminder.com/Caregiving/CaregivingBasics/ADLAssessment.aspx

ADL (Activities of Daily Living/Self-Care) https://www.sageminder.com/Portals/0/pdf/ADLforweb.pdf?ver=2016-06-27-134001-457

IADL (Instrumental Activities of Daily Living/Measures of Independence) https://www.sageminder.com/Portals/0/pdf/Assessment%20of%20IADLs1.pdf?ver=2016-06-27-134001-457

You will need to be truthful while completing these forms and not write down what you “WANT” your Mom to be able to do; BUT WHAT SHE REALLY CAN DO—today.

Is it possible that your Mom is receiving Physical Therapy or Occupational Therapy at the nursing home?  If your Mom is NOT receiving therapy, is it possible that the stroke has affected her ability to understand HOW TO PERFORM ADLS or to FOLLOW DIRECTIONS; thus making it difficult for your Mom to participate in Physical Therapy or Occupational Therapy? What do you mean when you stated “I want my Mom…to attend intensive therapy”? Do you mean that if your Mom lives in her own house that you will take her in your car to Physical Therapy or Occupational Therapy at the local hospital or at a Therapy Clinic or where? Would it not be better if your Mom stayed in the same building where she is getting Physical Therapy or Occupational Therapy, then having to be brought to that building 5 days a week.  Can your Mom get herself into and out of a car or SUV with minimal assistance? 

These are some things caregivers have to think about when they are trying to decide whether it would be better for their loved one to live at home with them or to live in a nursing home. You have some difficulty thinking and evaluations to do in regards to your Mom’s situation. I hope that you make the decisions that are BEST FOR YOUR MOM even if you don’t agree completely with those decisions.
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Ladyshfr Oct 18, 2018
My Mom did not need to be placed in a nursing home. I cared for my Mom for the first two months of the year at my house and when she was getting better she wanted to go back to her home. My siblings were the caretakers of the home while Mom was with me. They told me either keep Mom at my house or she will be placed in a nursing home. My Mom does not need a nursing home. My Mom was progressing with therapy, but when I didn't want to force her to live in my home my siblings stopped everything. When I asked why they stopped assisting with her earlier therapy I was told "it's the nurses job to do that and not ours". When I was able to see Mom at the facility they weren't doing any type of therapy with her. I would live with Mom and take her to an intensive brain rehab center 5 days a week. My Mom can do a lot with assistance. I took care of Mom before and it was wonderful and I would do it again if'd get an opportunity. My siblings have stated the reason why Mom is in a home is that "they want their own lives back". They are SELFISH!
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Ladyshfr, I think that you need to be humble and be willing to visit your Mom when one of your siblings are present.  Your siblings are attempting to offer you a way to see your Mom.  You are letting your emotions get the better of you when you turn down the opportunity to see your Mom--even if it is a supervised visit.

I suggest that you request that a facility staff member, such as someone from the Social Service Department, also attend the meetings to ensure that the meetings with your Mom do not become "negative".  Have the meeting in a dining room or meeting room or other "neutral" area with your Mom, a sibling and a facility staff member.  Also, if the meetings with your Mom start to become too emotional for your Mom, your sibling, or yourself; you will need to calmly and graciously tell everyone that "It is time for me to leave."; give your Mom a hug and a kiss "Good-Bye"; and then JUST LEAVE the meeting.  Do NOT cry in front of your Mom during the meeting, if at all possible.  Be as POSITIVE as you can.  Prior to the meeting, decide what you want to talk to your Mom about: bring photos of the ENTIRE FAMILY while you and your siblings were GROWING UP (not recent photos of the past 1-2 years); sing a song or hymn that your Mom loves; BUT DO NOT talk about the current situation or state that you "wish that your Mom was living in her house". 

I think that if your siblings and the facility staff see that you can have a calm, intelligent, non-emotional, non-threatening conversation with your Mom, then evidently, you might be able to visit your Mom unsupervised.  [If and when that day comes that you can visit your Mom unsupervised, DO NOT immediately revert back to your "OLD" self and talk about taking your Mom to her house to take care of her.]

For reasons that I will not go into, the nursing home staff where Mom lived, misunderstood the relationship between my Mom and myself.  Mom and I lived together for 9+ years after my Father died and though we loved each other, we sometimes had "Mother-Daughter Tiffs" as Mom was rather controlling.  For almost 4 months, ALL OF MY VISITS HAD TO BE SUPERVISED by a facility staff member--either a Nurse Manager or a Social Service staff member.  I did not like it, BUT I visited Mom while being supervised.  These supervised visits were an opportunity for the facility staff members to see that my Mom and I had a loving and caring relationship (even though we did have our little "tiffs" or disagreements occasionally).  Based on these supervised visits, the facility eventually stopped supervising my visits with my Mom. 

I think that your siblings are giving you have a wonderful opportunity to visit your Mom, even if the meetings are supervised.  Remember to always be POSITIVE and COURTEOUS to your Mom and to your sibling(s) during the visit; and to follow any rules or guidelines that your siblings give you regarding your visit with your Mom.  Good Luck and God Bless.
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Ladyshfr Oct 18, 2018
I understand you may think that, but when I asked about the visit again my siblings told me it is up to Mom and they didn't help to facilitate a visit. That is why I'm willing to do supervised visits with anyone other than my siblings (they give me hope, then slide the rug out from under me). Whenever I spoke with my Mom I NEVER brought up the disagreements with my siblings. Our conversations were loving and about our mother/daughter/grandchildren relationships. It may look as though my siblings are giving me an opportunity, but they won't let it happen.
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As JoAnn29 states, I hope your mother doesn't need Medicaid someday. She may be penalized, the house will have to be sold, and your siblings may exit the scene, leaving YOU to pick up the pieces.

I hope you won't pay to keep your mother in the facility or then take her to live with you, after, after what you have been through.
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Ladyshfr Oct 17, 2018
Thank you. I never wanted my Mom in a facility. I believe that is the reason why I'm being kept from my Mom and that my siblings are lying to her to keep me away. I want Mom in her home and to attend intensive therapy to try and regain the skills that were lost from the stroke. If the authorities act timely and allow me to oversee Mom's daily care I would immediately move her back into her own home. I want my Mom to enjoy life, smell the roses, go shopping or for a walk, spend time with her all of her family. My intentions are pure and from the heart. I sing a Don Williams song, "Lord, I Hope This Day Is Good" and I always add for Mom. I pray that the Lord will hear my prayers and Mom and I will be reunited and she can go home very soon.

Thank you for your support.
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I am so sorry you are having a terrible time with this. You have mentioned several times that your siblings tell you that your Mom doesn't want to see you.

Please don't ask them for information. You won't get the information you want to hear. Pursue this as if you are alone in this. Do not tip your hand. If you have to record phone calls , if you have a cell, there are free apps for that. Save every email and every text. You may need them.

You are the only one who is able bodied to determine how far you are willing to take any action.

Remember, with cognitive impairment, it is the disease not the person talking. Take heart that the person you love is still there. She is confused, and has been misled. But she will know what you have done for her. It may not be now. But she will know. Remember that you love her and that won't change. You are a good daughter, and a blessing to both your parents.
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Ladyshfr Oct 17, 2018
Thank you. I have been told that if I'm really want to see my Mom I should go through my siblings. At the beginning I begged them to let me see Mom and they never did help me. Just recently they told me I could only see Mom when one of the three would be present. I will not do that because the reunion would be tainted with negative feelings. I do not want my Mom to be exposed to an unhealthy meeting. I advised the authorities that I would do supervised visit with anyone other than my siblings. I believe my siblings know that if Mom would lay her eyes on me everything would change and that's why they won't let me see her.

I hope that somewhere within my Mom's heart she remembers that she is my "Angel on Earth". I am a loving, loyal daughter because of the way my mother and father raised me.

Thank you for your support.
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This will all come to bite ur siblings in the a _s. Unless Mom is really rich, she will eventually need Medicaid. They go back five years and question where all the money has gone. They may not be able to live in the home because it could be sold for Moms care. And Medicaid may not allow family to get back what family has put out on the house. Mom could be penalized if they find her money was not used for her care.

I truly believe what goes around comes around.
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Ladyshfr Oct 17, 2018
They all know the facility can take Mom's house. I think they think Mom may pass on before they come for the house. My first concern is being reunited with Mom. I have reported the elder abuse and have to wait for the investigation to be complete. It's seems as though they care more about the money than my Mom's emotional well being. What I've come to find out is that APS and authorities will admit that intimidation, coercion, and isolation are hard to prove and hard to get someone to help me.

Om the rare occasions that I'm allowed to talk with Mom I always tell her i love her and that I'm trying to be reunited with her.

Thank you for your support.
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I'm so sorry that you are experiencing such a sad and hurtful situation with your Mother and siblings. You mention that “I can't even mourn the passing of my father”—when did your Father die?  Did your Mother have the stroke before or after your Father died?  In relation to your Father’s death, when did your siblings arrange for your Mother to go to the nursing home?

It is SO hard to “sit and wait” for the “Wheels of Justice” to turn. You have received some great advice. I am glad that you plan to send letters to your Mom and that you have consulted an attorney.  Keep sending loving letters to your Mother and continue therapy.

{{{Hugs}}} 💖 and Prayers 🙏 ❀
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Ladyshfr Oct 17, 2018
Thank you for your prayers and support. My father died in December 2017 while caring for Mom. My Mother was living with me in January and February 2018 when she started getting better she wanted to go back to her home, but my brother didn't want Mom to be there 7 days a week. He was the caretaker while Mom was with me. They tried to force me to keep her with me, but I informed them I wasn't going to force Mom to stay with me when Mom wanted to be her own home. I'd care for her there. They started looking in March and told my Mom she would be moving into an apartment. They misled her and place Mom in a locked facility in May 2018. My siblings have taken over Mom's house and money.

I miss her desperately. When I'm out doing normal things like shopping, walking through the park, etc. I see other daughters and mothers enjoying their lives and I want that for my Mom.

Thank you again for your support and prayers.
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Er, I'm not so keen on the Thelma and Louise reference. Heroines they may have been (and fine, fine actresses), but practical and responsible they were not. Also: not a happy ending, eh.

There's many a true word spoken in jest. That's kind of what worries me.

Being separated from a mother you love and being unable to satisfy yourself that she is being cared for is very painful. You do not have to disguise that in any way, in front of anybody.

Keep sending cards to your mother. Keep them loving. Keep them cheerful. Let her know what your news is. Do NOT include anything that can be interpreted as an emotional lever - reminding her of shared experiences, for example, could make her feel bad about not being in touch with you now. If it's bad for her, it will be kept from her. If it is likely to make her sad, it will be kept from her.

You may not get a reply, and you won't have any way to know if she is receiving them. Doesn't matter. You've still sent them, you're thinking of her, and at the very least it is something you can do.

I would like you to look for professional guidance about your best way forward. The counselling could do a lot to help you cope, and that's good; but what you're also aiming for is a route to re-establishing some kind of contact with your mother. For that, you need a strategy and a firm hand to keep you on track. Do you have your own lawyer?
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Ladyshfr Oct 16, 2018
Thank you. I will keep sending loving letters and continue therapy. I consulted with an attorney and he suggests waiting for the outcome of the investigation. He believes that I would further alienate my Mom if I force my siblings into a legal guardianship battle at this time.

Thank you again for your support and words of encouragement.
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Ladysfhr, you are certainly in a heart-breaking situation and I am very sorry for it.

It's hard to think what to suggest. As the authorities are already all over this situation and looking into what has taken place, I'm afraid you're going to have to be patient. Keep in regular touch with any key workers who are dealing with it. Are you allowed to write to your mother? If you are, keep your messages cheerful and simple. It's all right to tell her that you love her and would love to see her, but it wouldn't be all right to tell her not to believe her other children, for example - that would upset her to no purpose, and your letter or card wouldn't be allowed to reach her.

The thing is. It isn't just difficult to imagine what lies your mother could have been told that would destroy a previously strong bond so completely. There is also the question of why your mother's other children would want to do this - do this to *her*, that is, not just to you. I have a feeling that the conflict between all of you must have got considerably more out of hand than you've described.

It's fine, you don't have to share more information than you're comfortable with; but if you're going to approach any kind of professional advocate for help you will need to be clear-eyed and open about what exactly has happened.
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Ladyshfr Oct 16, 2018
Thank you. As each day goes by my patience has become anxiety. I have written numerous letters to Mom that have gone unanswered. Those letters are loving and I try remind her of all that we have shared in my lifetime. I do not believe my Mother actually received/read them. I believe my siblings want control of Mom's entire estate and they are punishing me because I'm trying to protect Mom. My Mom and I were like "Lucy and Ethel, Thelma and Louise etc". My downfall is my emotions. How do I mask the pain when I speak with professional advocates?
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Who has POA and Healthcare POA? If you do not have either that is incredibly unfortunate. Did your Mother have a will prior to her stroke? Does your state allow you to look these documents up? If your Mother was cognitively impaired and produced a will after her stroke there is grounds for legal action, expecially if you can produce medical records for that impairment.

One thing I choose to believe is that parents always love their children no matter what. She may have been fed a pack of lies by your siblings and they are the ones who are barring you from the residence your Mother is in, but eventually she will know (in life or after death). Take comfort in the fact that everything is eventually revealed. If she is cognitively impaired it may be that she is 'stuck' in that mental attitude and may not be able to get around it regardless of what you do. You have to understand that it is the disease, not your Mom who has highjacked your Mom's attitude. Your siblings are exploiting that for all it's worth to them and will continue to reinforce that as frequently as they can.

What I don't understand is why they would put her in a nursing facility which would drain her resources rapidly leaving nothing. Unless they pulled something like getting her to sign a sales agreement or transfer of ownership which goes back to the medical question of competence. This is exploitation of an elderly person.

You need to get your ducks in a row:
1. Medical records
2. Usually you can look up deeds and property records in the county where the property resides - get those records.
3. If you had access to her bank accounts previously, get those collected.
4. If you still have access, obtain copies of them as well.
5. Collect any written documentation that existed before your Mother had her stroke (Will, POA, Healthcare POA) that are in existence that you can put your hands on. If you do not have physical access some states/counties allow you to look this information up similar to property records. If they were filed after she had her stroke, make a note of it. Gather both documents for proof if both records exist.
6. Go to your Mothers lawyer and see if he will talk to you about her will or any documents she may have filed if you are unsuccessful in #5.
7. Once you have all this information, submit them to the proper authorities.
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Ladyshfr Oct 16, 2018
I only have access to certain financial documentation that I turned over to the authorities, but every time I ask the reply is the investigation is on-going.

The elder abuse investigators should think about the elderly being intimidate, frightened, and coerced, but if they're in a nursing home it seems as though those types of concerns are not investigated because they believe that the elderly person is in a safe environment. Shameful!

My brother and sister are living in Mom's home rent free and living off her money. My siblings wanted to add their names to the deed to Mom's house, but the last I check it was still in my parents name.

Each day that goes by I run the risk of my Mom forgetting me. I would like to spend time and create new memories with Mom. I was informed that Mom may be in the early stages of dementia. I can't even mourn the passing of my father because being without my Mom consumes me. I'm a sad, depressed daughter that longs to be apart of my Mother's life.

Waiting on the investigation is very hard to do.
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What allegations about your siblings would put them at risk of jail? Nothing you've described so far is criminal. Unethical, perhaps, depending on what happened exactly, but not criminal.

Your mother has a right to contact with all her children, is your starting point. When she is asked if she wants to see you, she says no. She does not have to give a reason, so her "no" is not challenged. You can understand, I'm sure, that as a general rule this process is correct. Not your mother, but other vulnerable people *may* be afraid of relatives, and should not have to give a reason not to want to see them. So you can see the sense of it, yes?

So. Negotiate. Maybe you might get somewhere if you aimed for supervised access to start with. Are you in regular touch with any particular social worker or similar professional?
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Ladyshfr Oct 16, 2018
I do have documentation of financial exploitation that was reported, but the investigation is "on-going". I've reported the elder abuse. My brother has violated the POA-Financial. I've tried to negotiate, but I've been told that my Mother does not want to mediate. As I stated earlier prior to Mom's stroke my Mom and I were best friends. I helped care for her after the stroke and suddenly she was ripped away from me. I believe my siblings are telling her lies about me and in my Mom's impaired mind she believes the lies.

The heartbreak is unbearable. I'm in counseling, but I miss my Mom so much the sadness and depression of not being able to share our lives permeates every aspect of my daily life.
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I'm very sorry that you are going through this experience.

When you say that you disagreed with your mother's being placed in a nursing home following her stroke, what form did the disagreement take?

Similarly, as gladimhere asks, what form does your mother's cutting you out of her life take? Is there some kind of order preventing you from visiting the NH? If there is, have you taken legal advice on how you might challenge or amend it?
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Ladyshfr Oct 16, 2018
I was caring for Mom in my home and my brother was staying in her home during that time. When Mom was getting better and wanted to go back to her home he was only concerned about himself. He and my two sisters mislead my Mom and placed her in a nursing home. My Mom has a cognitive impairment. I was just cut out of Mom life all together. I've tried with an ombudsman. All they ask her if she wants to see me and when Mom says no they don't ask why. I was told it doesn't matter why she said no, just that she said no. I have no clue what my siblings are telling her, but whatever it is my Mom believes them. I'm so lost without my Mom.
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What keeps you from visiting her? How is she doing?
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Ladyshfr Oct 16, 2018
The facility won't let me. I reported them and it's a she said, they said situation. I've caught the facility in lie upon lie, but the investigators do not follow up with me, ask my family any questions. I've tried an attorney, but the risk is that my Mom would hate me if I actually turn my evidence into the police...my siblings would go to jail and my Mother would hate me. I'd die if I knew my Mother really hated me.
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