My mother needs assisted living but she refuses to go. What can I do because this is unfair and she's unsafe at home?

From your description I can't tell if your mother is mentally competent or not. If she is capable of making her own decisions you really can't do much to make her move, even if she is unsafe. In the words of a nurse friend of mine who worked with the elderly "As long as she's competent she's allowed to make her own decisions, even bad ones," You will need to step back and let her make her own bad decisions. You'll need to stop providing her help and let her see the consequences of those decisions. It's very hard to do, but until she can acknowledge that she needs more help than you can or are willing to provide, she'll not be willing to make the move.

Follow her wishes. I lost my wife in assisted living facilities in April of 2020 because I was a fool in sending her their not realizing that MY governor Cuomo and 5 other states allowed positive patients from hospitals which infected my wife and 15, 000 senior's and he covered it up. Do not send her their until the assisted living have more aids, and can prove that they can care of your mother, and the states change their nursing home laws which will make them accountable for the way they have treated in the past, that did not happen for my wife and 15000 other poor people, it's just not the time for these facilities to reside in.

You need to seek out a diagnostic specialist TRAINED in GERIATRIC BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT, and have an assessment done that will indicate whether or not she is CAPABLE of SAFELY caring for herself and living independently.

How have YOU determined that she “needs assisted living”?

TODAY, RIGHT NOW, begin to document your observations of EXACTLY what she CAN and CANNOT DO. If “she can’t wipe her own behind”, describe in detail what her inability to perform this action happens. “.....can’t remember to look for toilet paper.....can’t manage clothing while seated on toilet......can’t coordinate actions of wiping.....”

Analyze her day and make notes on what ACTIONS she CAN’T do. Can she bathe, dress, make a sandwich, use a phone?

DO NOT bother with your concerns about what she says, how “mean” she is, “lies” she tells. Although painful and troublesome, these are NOT necessarily relevant to whether or not she’s able to take care of herself.

Why does she see a “psychotherapist”? Is she able to lucidly discuss her feelings and problems and work on solutions? What JOB does her “caseworker” do? What agency has assigned her a caseworker?

TELL her medical doctor that YOU want a formal assessment done.

This is hard stuff to start, and right now, you (her son) are mixing FEELINGS, yours and hers, with FACTS, and right now, FACTS MATTER MORE THAN FEELINGS.

Hoping you can FIND some help with answers.

Do you have POA? Did they do an assessment and found her still competent? That can be frustrating.

Firmly tell her doctor she needs more care. Document what you notice so you can confirm.

Wish you the best