My mother lives with me, drinks heavily, and sits in her own feces. I can't get her to bathe. Where can I get some help and support for us?

Aspen,

As of today, you make your house a "dry" house. That means no alcohol is allowed in your home. It's your house and you do not have to live with an alcoholic. My first husband was an alcoholic. Sober he was a wonderful man and a hard worker. When the bottle would come out he would change. Not so much towards me, but I wasn't willing to live with alcoholic/addict behavior and left. Your mother at her age will likely not be willing to try recovery so she will have to live elsewhere.
Stop being her enabler. Do not let her live in your home anymore. Please go to Al-Anon as it's been suggested here on this thread. I did and learned all about what being an enabler is and how the addict manipulates their enablers to keep things as they are. You don't have to live with this.
Also, if your mother is incontinent and crapping all over the house she really belongs in managed care. If her doctor won't help you to place her in appropriate care for her needs, call your state's social services department. A social worker will help you to get her placed.

You are telling us the doctors are not asking Mum questions, but are you telling the doctors the situation at home?

I would be taking photos of the empty bottles, the filth and telling the doctor before the appointment.

There is a huge difference between answering one drink a day and meaning a single beer or glass of wine or a whole bottle of wine, scotch etc.

You have to become the advocate.

A doctor should start asking geriatric questions at the time of the initial Welcome to Medicare exam. My doctor told me that although the questions might seem strange or laughable to me, if she didn’t ask them she wouldn’t be considered a good doctor. She also asked questions about drinking every time, even though I am a lifelong non drinker. So this mom’s doctor is not a good one. Find a doc who specializes in geriatrics. As for drinking, that’s not going to stop until she dies unless she gets professional help, and even then she probably won’t stop. Cures for alcoholism are rare at that age. Living with an alcoholic is no way to live. She’s got to go. And feces are a health risk to anyone else coming in contact with them. Again, she needs to get gone. Like yesterday. With no regret. To anywhere else but your house.

For crying out loud, kick her out. There's another question posted today about why is it so hard to set boundaries. That's something you should try to answer for yourself. But go ahead and kick her out first.

You really cannot change an alcoholic. I would attend al-anon where you will meet people in your own situation or close to, and have support and options. Also learn a lot. I am sorry you took an alcoholic into your home, because once you do there really are no answers to it at all. I surely do sympathize with all you are going through and wish you the very best. Your best info will come from folks dealing with what you are. Good luck!

Aspen, if your Mom is able to order alcohol via phone/text/computer, use her credit card, answer the door as proof of age is required.... then she is able to live on her own.

At 74 years old, your Mom is still considered young, thus the reason why none of the doctors ask her geriatric questions. I am older then your Mom, and if I have any health issues bothering me, I tell my doctor and he takes it from there.

You mentioned in your profile that you give up your career to care for your Mom. Years ago Forbes had an article about grown children in careers that leave to take care of a parent. One would lose over the years $350k not only in salary, but what the company pays for your health insurance.... cost in stock options/profit sharing.... costs of matching 401k.... costs for paid vacation days.... paid sick days.... lost of payroll deductions for Medicare and for Social Security... etc.

Time to step back and look closely at this arrangement. I know it won't be easy to make any changes.

How old is Mom because we can best answer knowing this.

I agree, Mom needs to be evaluated for mental decline. And I too would like to know where she gets the alcohol.

Agree with FF and Becky.
I would find the first opportunity ( like when she passes out from drinking to excess) to call 911 and have her transported to the ER for evaluation and treatment of her alcohol abuse and her mental health issues.

Tell the social work team that she cannot return to your home, that her care needs outweigh your abilities, and that you are returning to work.

Get your job back.

Aspen17, just curious how your Mom is getting her hands on the alcohol?

Your mother will not quit drinking until she decides to quit. She should be paying from her own money for someone to clean up her poop. If she doesn't have money I would get her Medicaid and into a facility. If her doctor is not addressing her poop issues I would get her evaluated by another doc. This is unsanitary and needs to be addressed. You should not have to clean up her messes, and if she is unconcerned about the messes she makes there may be a mental health issue at play.