My Mother lives with me- I truly do not know what to do.

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Hello. I’ll try to get to the point as I have questions. Needing feedback as for the first time in my life I truly do not know what to do. Here are some facts. My mother lives with me. It’s her, my son and my dog. She’s wheelchair bound. She’s in heart failure, diabetic, arthritic, and on lots of meds. She’s always cold so she has the heat up to 77 most times. The quality of life I’m sure is overwhelming and depressing for her along with the pain she experiences everyday. However, our quality of life now is greatly affected by her ailments. The blinds are always drawn, no windows open, too hot in the house and her anger. She has outbursts seemingly over things in her head or as she sees them and not necessarily on reality. She says she’s unloved and I don’t care about her. It’s taking its toll. She won’t go to assisted living and quite frankly I’m afraid for her because she’s so nasty that I think she would be abused. My father left her when I was 15, I am now 49 and she more or less became a recluse. She does not see how she impacts our lives in a negative way. She needs a special diet and I can’t really afford to supply it. Additionally when she contributes she complains after that she hasn’t any $$ for herself. So no matter what she’s complaining and/or nasty. Because she’s “sound” no one can force her to take tests of her brain or medicate her. If I do speak to her doctor as I did once she gets irate once she figures out the questioning was as a result of my urging and I’m flooded with I’m trying to get rid of her. As she worsens I feel stuck and wishing she would be taken away. I know that sounds horrible but my son is special needs and I have her too. My son is a joy and not a “problem”. I’m tired of her berating everything from how much food we do or don’t have, how it's prepared and how she hates her life. It’s not healthy for her or us. I need feedback please. Suggestions or any kind. The outbursts happen often enough that tip toeing in my own house happens a lot. Sometimes she tosses things around and she’s broken my pantry door in one of her fits. I need help. I just don’t know how to get it or carry it out.

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Grace--

In all honesty, you need to get mom out of your house. No guilt, no explaining needed. You are only 49. You have essentially given up your life and your son's for mom's pleasure..yet she's not pleased.

You'll crash and burn really fast living this dynamic. Start looking for Assisted Living, NH's. group homes, anything that will NOT be your home and move her.

Do you have a good friend you can confide in and talk to? You need help in this situation--strong help.

Your son is special needs? Then for HIS sake, move mom out.

Start looking ASAP. She must have some kind of income, if it's below a certain amt., she will qualify for Medicaid. So many free things with that. And don't worry about her being mad. She's gonna be, no matter what you do.

NOBODY should have to walk on eggshells to make another person happy or content or to stave off tantrums. But you know that, don't you?

Be brave. Be strong. You're going to get this same advice over and over---it takes great strength to follow through.

{{Hugs}} b/c you really need some!!
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You are right that unless she is legally incompetent, you cannot force her into assisted living or anywhere else.

What you can (and should) do, though, is determine that she cannot live with you. If you have to go through a formal eviction process to achieve this, so be it. You can offer to help her find a suitable place, but make it clear that whether she accepts your help or not, she is going to have to leave.
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You are trying to please an unpleasable person. Has she been like this all of her life?

I think you should make your son your number one priority and move her to assisted living. I'm sure that they have dealt with people like her before.

If she is loosing touch with reality, then she needs to see a gereactic psychiatrist.
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You are all awesome. I kinda figured as much and it’s so hard. When things “started” changing it was hard but now i could go to the bathroom and comeback and receive all this venom again for seemingly no reason. I’m so tired of not living the way I’d like bcuz I’d have to hear her complaints everyday but truth be told I’m hearing it anyway. I will look into it. There’s a Dept of Aging by my home. They prob could direct me. I found it online while waiting for feedback on this post. I feel so sad but i truly feel life isn’t always what you want it to be but u have 2 choices. You can work to be happy & sound or work to wallow n be a pity party. I always try to be up not just for me but my son. She wasn’t always bitter. She just hasn’t dealt w the negatives in her life and now tht she’s older i believe she has too much time to reflect. No friends no nothing. So that’s never a good thing, isolation i mean.
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If she were more reasonable I’d say get her tested for a UTI. She probably won’t go along with it but a UTI could be causing a lot of this behavior.
Don’t miss an opportunity to get her medical care. If she winds up in the ER make sure she doesn’t come home with you. Insist you can’t care for her. Because you can’t!
Help is all around you. Be open to it. Help for you and mom. Your part is to help connect the dots. You are doing that now. Don’t get confused that if you could only do the one thing right she would be happy. Good luck and come back to let us know how it goes.
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Really! You think she is of sound mind? I don't. I think a good physical is needed. She could have an imbalance, meds interacting. If she has the money, place her in an AL. She may not be nasty in front of strangers. Be honest with her. It's not working. It's effecting your son, which it probably is. Explain that his overall wellbeing is ur first concern.
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I agree with the other 6 posters. Life is too short to be miserable.
You will never make mom happy. She needs to live somewhere else. Too bad that she throws a fit. It'll be the last one she has in YOUR house.
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