My mother is wearing me out, can anyone relate?

Your first responsibility is to YOUR husband and children. She needs an assisted living situation or skilled care IMHO. This situation is not fair to your husband and children, who you are neglecting to take care of an elderly mother. As a mother, I ask you, would you ask your children to do that for you? You have no reason to be guilty, you have gone above and beyond.

My mother emotionally wears me out. She lives independently (widowed), is competent, but due to her COPD has mobility issues. She has always been a bit neurotic, emotional co-dependent, OCD, somewhat histronic personality. She has always been negative and a whiney complainer. No way could I ever become her full time caregiver. If and when she can no longer live independently, it will be assisted living, nursing home or some other full time caretaker. If she had treated me with respect and consideration during my adult life it would be a different story. My emotional wellbeing needs to take priority over her neediness and sense of entitledment to her creature comforts.

Thank you Jinx4740 and marehues for concrete advice at last. How freaky could this be that I married and divorced an alcoholic! I did go to Al Anon then and it's a great idea that I should go again now. It does scare me when she gets angry. That's probably why I married a passive aggressive (& alcoholic) that did not fly off the handle the way my mother does. I will be so happy when the tuition & weddings are no longer an issue. Maybe it will be less scary then.

Please do not feel guilty in no way. I have a mother that I a m taking care of so I truly understand. When she get good and ready she lashes out at me and tell me she doesn't wan to live with me, but when I tell her I am going to move her to a nursing home she will cry the biggest tears you will ever imagine. so please what every you do do not feel guilty. I will pray for strength to finish the job you started.

How to detach? It ain't easy, but it's possible to learn. You still love the person, but you sort of "set them free." You remind yourself constantly that the person who is mistreating you is nuts, to use a scientific term, or at the very least, looking at the world from a very different place. The person has a right to do or say what they want, but not the right to force you to play their game.

A detached statement might be, "I'm sorry you feel abandoned, but I have made plans to go out, and I know you will be all right until I get back." Or, "Boy, you're really angry, aren't you?" "You think I hate you? Why would you think that?"

Don't panic when the drama starts. Have you ever watched a child have a tantrum? It's upsetting, and you want it to stop now. But if you just let it play out, the tantrum will stop when the child gets tired.

If you can get out to an Al Anon meeting, you can learn a lot there about holding onto your sanity while dealing with a crazy and/or drunk person. A lot of it applies to dealing with dementia. Compassion, acceptance of reality, and recognizing that a lot of things are out of your control, and that's all right.

Best wishes and good luck!

Great that you have a hubby. Such hubbies are saints. This is my only support. My siblings are out of town and think they know the answers or don't chime in at all. And no hubby anymore. Don't want to burden my kids although I do talk to them a bit. I guess we all need to make time for a therapist who knows how to handle the caregiver role with compassion. Anyone have experience with a therapist? What is their sage advice for these trying situations? As for you kazzaa, you need more hours for a break. Are there volunteer agencies, high school kids, nursing students? Can you get her to the doctor to diagnose her?

In the same way kinda BUT what a great hubby!! My mum just tore me to bits on phone to my sis (of course sis agreeing with her) ive decided that I cannot live like this always the monster! Its like im abusing her? Shes become 24/7 now wont cook,eat,go out?? I know this is dementia yet to be diagnosed but I cant take anymore. Ive just been reading about carer BURNOUT and ive got every sympthom I cant afford to feel guilty im ill and no matter how much I sleep im exhausted.
There is only so much we can take before it starts to affect your health I want my mum in a home soon as I cant look after her alone the only help the state will provide is 3hrs care a wk?? we dont have money for fulltime care but my mum owns her own house and we could use this against payment for a nice home. Really feel for you youve done so much to help her I just cannot imagine how anyone does this and WORKS another job I would just have to sign myself into a home!! CHIN UP!!x

The T is for Thinking as opposed to perceiving.It is a Myer-Briggs personality classification. I do have a religion and that is precisely why I am sooooo stressed out over this. I want my children to continue in my religion and their religious studies. The stakes are very high. I am more the stiff upper lip person [ISTJ], not really able to do any drama. Does my mother want to provoke me? Her idea is to put me down so much that I will do whatever and whenever she says. After all she is paying for the tuition, etc. etc. etc. I do meditation, lavender oil, chocolate, music, walking. But how does one detach?

Lonecaregiver1 - Welcome! Is ESTJ that psychological classification - Extrovert, sensing, ????, Judging?

You will find a lot of people here with major mother problems. May I suggest that you post your own question so that more people will see and respond?

You need to somehow gain some serenity and detachment from your horrible situation. Do you know what kind of reaction your mother wants to provoke? Could you possibly try a little "drama" yourself, and pretend to respond, while keeping your cool on the inside?

If she refuses to help with tuition, or moves away, that would leave you in a very bad position, but sometimes kids need to quit school and work for a while. It's not ideal, and it would truly suck, but life would go on somehow.

You should understand that my mother was pretty great, so most of my knowledge is second-hand. But I know that you need to find some internal peace, or you won't survive. Do you have a religion, or a meditation practice that might help? I am SO VERY SORRY that you have to deal with this.

How to deal with an ESTJ mother? 90 year old, bossy, controlling, moody, insulting, many times with drama; helps me with my kids tuition (I can't) and threatens me that she won't pay or that she will move away to another sibling. The drama and threats knock me out for hours to days at a time. Can't concentrate on my studies or housecleaning. I do a lot of the house chores, all the shopping, most of the laundry, shoe tying 1-3 times a day, some cooking.
Losing my mind pretty fast.

Patricia 75: I agree that you should look into whether you have any legal recourse in terms of your mother's will. You took care of her for all those years and the probability is that she wasn't mentally competent at the time she changed her will. There is nothing you can do about how hurtful this was for you but if it helps at all, your mother's decision to change her will was more likely the result of demented thinking rather than being about you.

Re Patricia 75, I would check out my legal recourse, you did a lot for your mother and you deserve some help now, that is if you need it or want it.

Patricia75. I'm sorry for what you had to endure. Your siblings, like so many others, are cruel. I wish there were some recourse for you, and maybe there is. If your Mother changed her will when she was knowingly suffering from dementia, you may be able to do something. Maybe, though, it's better to just put it all behind you and remember that you did what you did out of love and your reward will be far greater in eternity. God bless.

I HAVE READ ALL YOUR POSTS... It is sad that we feel so responsible for our parents that we will put up with anything they dish out in order to keep the peace. I spent 8 years taking care of my elderly Mother...I could do nothing to please her, though I tried everything humanly possible to make her happy. I tried to ignore her temper tantrums and hateful remarks to me, As her dementia became more severe she would make up stories about me,accusing me of abusing her to my siblings who were not even in the same state and only came to see her once a year. She turned the entire family against me and I had to defend myself because the stories she told them were so rediculous. I finally gave up defending myself when I realized I was the only one that moved close to Mom to take care of her and they didn't see what was going on because they were NOT here. I was 70 and an insulin dependant diabetic when this all began and my Mother was 90. I let my own life go to take care of her but ended up with Shingles because of the stress involved. After five years, I had to hire a caregiver for Mom in order to help me do some things and fulfill her needs. This is when the real problems began and my Mother would hang up on me, telling me she wasn't speaking to me anymore. I can't possibly explain the hurt it caused me when she basically disowned me. I am the oldest daughter and showed my mother all my love. It was pretty hard to swallow all the hatered she displayed toward me. My Mother passed away at age 96 this year and I found out afterwards that she had cut me out of her Will two years ago. That was the final slap in the face! The only thing I can say to all of you is ....don't throw your life away taking care of a parent that shows you no respect or love. I would never be a caregiver again to anyone. My advise is this; unless you are willing to give up your own life and be constanly in a stressful, depressed situation, putting yourself and your marraige, kids, husband etc in harms way...DON'T DO IT!!! Find a caregiver, an adult home or a nursing home for your Mom and visit her. My heart goes out to all of you who are doing this now, but you can change this. Don't do like I did and stay 8 years, only to be thrown under the bus! I am not hateful and forgave my Mother long ago but it still hurts. . I promised my father 30 years ago on his death bed that I would take care of Mom. After he died I did just that...so it's been more than just the eight years, it's been 38 yrs of caregiving Mom that makes me feel like she stabbed me in the heart. She manipulated me right to the end and never mentioned that she was going to cut me out of her Will.
Love yourself enough to take care of YOU. I wouldn't wish this on anyone!
God Bless all of you!! Feel NO guilt just take care of yourselves and your family, it's not your responsibility to caregive your parents.

I joined this site 8 years ago to learn how to be a good caregiver to someone with dementia and it helped me get through the harest job I ever had in my lifetime. I only hope my post sharing my experiences with my Mother can help any of you who are going through this now.
Love to all of you!

I smiled when I saw how many people jumped on your question. This is simply a wonderful forum!

You have no reason to feel guilty. I'd suggest that you try to find a way out of this situation. You are fortunate that your husband is a "saint," but your whole family has been affected by this for years. You have a right to some privacy again.

Please look into assisted living or a nursing home for your mother. You'll pay a price going through the process but you'll see light at the end of the tunnel.
It's very true that you will still be a caregiver, even with your mother in senior care. But you will have some opportunity for some life of your own.

Take care of yourself before your own health is shot.
Carol

Eyerishlass,
God bless you. Thanks for the preview of the "afterlife" too. It's very encouraging to those of us still in the trenches to know that things can return to "normal." Please don't feel guilty. You have done your best. Your dad wouldn't want you to feel bad.

Your post really blessed me today.

Drummer, oh yes I so,so, understand!! Mom has been with me for 7 yrs since Dad died-- she was diagnosed with Parkinson's . My 3 sisters are "unavailable"- whatever. I don't have kids, but I do have a saint of a husband. Yep, i do the pretend-I'm-at-work sneak-off, too!! One suggestion, it is worth whatever you have to cut down on ( for me, it was downsizing to very basic cable, being real stingy about a/c and heat, etc.) to find someone for a few days a week to hang out and help your Mom, EVEN WHILE YOU ARE HOME! It gives mom someone else to boss, and gives her a little independence as she has someone to take her places. I've worked out a deal with my helper - in addition to $$ my hubby acts as her on- call handyman and mechanic, and I take her little girl out sometimes.

It's sounds to me that your gut is telling you to make a new change for yourself. That's what happened to me while I was caring for my 93 year old mom. It wears you down and it makes you into a hardened person. I finally placed my mom in a nursing home cause I cared for her 24/7 and it only gets worse down the road. You will have no life as long as she remains with you. No antidepressants or me time just doesn't work anymore cause the work and guilt take over and it never goes away. I feel bad for her being in a N/H and I love my mom but I did the best I could so the guilt is slowly going away. Hope it all works out for you.

OMG Drummer!
If I had to put up with all that I would take up drinking (possibly in excess).
I'm not suggesting that as a new hobby for you, just saying what I'd do.

well damn, according to the mandatory abuse reporting thread on here you may just be living the high life, exploiting your parents and waiting for the pot of gold at the end. thats sarcasm btw. i still have a bad taste in my mouth from the do - gooder mandatory abuse reporting thread. caregivers catch crap from every direction , some lady on here wants to mandate suspicion and your guilty till proven otherwise..
i know im on the wrong thread. threads shmeds.

Oh my - how many of us are in the same boat. I am exhausted, depressed - cannot comprehend how this has become my life. Retired from a $100K job last year to take care of my mom. I can get beyond the bi-polar, borderline, dementia but the sense of entitlement is what has me down. Bought a house last fall that I thought I might be able to escape to periodically (1/2 hour away) but have yet to spend a night. Cannot be gone more than a couple hours - in that time I often get the phone call: where are you? She fell Wednesday - refused to go to Kaiser that night or the next day. Fell again twice on Thursday. Today - 3 hours at Kaiser. Getting her to bed at 6 PM - 2 incidents of projectile vomiting. Hadn't digested food as she lays on the couch all day long. I've a picture my daughter drew when she was just a tyke of Grandma lying on the couch. Daughter is now a sophmore in college. Living on campus 5 minutes from the house just so she can get away from this craziness. Have just finished 2 hours of cleaning up and taking care of 3 dogs. Expect a call for help later tonight for whatever. Will gladly toilet her at 2 AM rather than have her fall again - a stich in time saves 9. I don't know what the answer is to our problem. Am doing my best to set boundaries. A nursing home is not an option. No family to help. It is what it is...... Best to you all - we'll just keep rowing......

As someone else noted early on, I think EVERYONE here can relate. If you are out here, reading anything at all on this site, you can relate.

Grace and strength to all!

I was totally exhausted when my mom passed . It has taken me these four months and I'm still not back to myself yet. I was told by hospice that it takes time.

CydniS make an appt with an Assit Living and the professionals there will tell you what happens when the money runs out. I believe they provide housing for her, maybe a shared room, but they will not throw her out. But do it right away. Everyone else needs to learn BOUNDARIES...put your hand up as soon as any abuse starts ad state: THat is enough, go sit down....Do not allow any verbal abuse, it will only escalate. Just as you would do with your children.

My dad lived with me for 5 years prior to going into a NH. I remember that lack of privacy. And my dad and I got along well. He's a very nice and kind man and very easy going. Out of the two of us, I'm probably the more difficult one! But it was hard. So hard. The only thing I did was care for my dad so when friends would call I had nothing to talk about, so I just stopped talking to people. I had nothing to offer in a conversation. I felt obligated to bring my dad with me wherever I went because his Dr. said he shouldn't be driving anymore. I was the one who brought that subject up so I felt like I owed my dad to take him with me everywhere. Not that I went anywhere exciting. I went to Walmart. Or to the grocery. But he'd come with me and I'd have to get a wheelchair or find a motor cart. It was not what I envisioned for my life. I felt very isolated and depressed, as did my dad. It worked for several years but that last year when he began to decline I don't know who was more unhappy, him or me.

Then a set of circumstances and health crises landed him in a NH and the social worker approached me about having him stay there and not just for therapy. My family supported that decision so that I could have my life back and my dad begrudgingly agreed. The guilt tore me up. I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking I hear him calling for me. And him not living with me was not the clean break I expected. There was a lot of transition, a lot of upheaval. It was very stressful and where you gained 50 lbs I lost 20 lbs because my stomach twists into knots when I'm stressed. And the caregiving hasn't stopped. My dad wants a lot. He wants more visits. He wants me to quit my job so I can spend everyday with him (he has dementia now). He calls me and tells me that the other residents are being abused (I know they're not). He calls me at 11pm to tell me he saw one of the other residents with an Uzi. He's not afraid. I asked him if he was. He's not, he feels like he has a lot of power because he's aware of all of these shenanigans going on. He hallucinates. I could go on.....

My life definately became better once my dad went into the NH and before my dad began going downhill he was fairly happy and had made friends and participated in activities. I'm not happy that my dad is in a NH but I am grateful that he's being taken care of by professionals now. I wonder if his descent into dementia would have occured had I kept him at home. I can't shake the guilt but I try to rationalize it and I can live with it. I'm productive again. Working in a job I enjoy. I'm proud of the life I've created after caring for my dad. I still have responsibilites to him. He still sees me as his caregiver and is only truly happy when I'm with him. Advocating for him is a lot of work but this I can split with my brother and we both do our share. I didn't automatically become HAPPY once I was on my own again. I had to work for it and that wasn't something I anticipated. I still get sad...depressed....when it comes to my dad and I think about him all day, everyday. He's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep.

So my life after being a hands-on, everyday caregiver is not always rosy. Being a caregiver had a profound effect on my life that I imagine will stay with me. And while my dad is still with us I still feel that obligation everyday, I still feel responsible for him, and I still feel like a caregiver. Because I am. When I visit my dad I have 100 different little fires to put out while I'm there. My brother is able to talk to my dad about movies and tv shows, pleasant conversations. I get the crying, the depression, the hallucinations and the overall misery that my dad won't discuss with my brother. I talked to the social worker about it one time, about why my brother and I have totally different kinds of visits with our dad and she said it was because I'm the caregiver. I cared for him for 5 years and I'm still caring for him and always will until the day he dies.

dvingo, that is great that you have a loving relationship with your mom. I am jealous :)

Hi terrim, my mom has never drove, never had a drivers license. She doesn't want to do ANYTHING but watch TV. She doesn't walk, or even stand. Not for me or anyone. She doesn't want the lady to come and give her a bath, she keeps telling them no my daughter can do it, so they have even cancelled the bath. Only the NP and the nurse comes out now b/c she is uncooperative. It is her way or no way. I told her she was going to have to bend a little and she grit her teeth at me and said "I don't bend". To go to the dr or the hospital, an ambulance has to come and get her cause she won't even try to stand. It is very strange to me. If it is uncomfortable, like PT, she wants nothing to do with it. She says it hurts and she's not doing it. Her medical providers keep telling her she has to move around a little at least or she is really going to be in trouble and she truly ignores them. She won't even lay on her side in bed cause it hurts her ribs. She wants me to work the remote to the bed. That's how bad it is.

Jinx makes a good point. How does that prayer go: Grant me the strength to change the things I can, accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference? Amen! Alleluia! Right now, I'm not doing very well on the accepting part.

I'm a newbie here, but I think it is worse for us when we hope/expect to be treated fairly by people who can no longer do that. It's sort of an Al-Anon principle. The drunk will do the things that drunks do. The not-very-nice parent will never be nice. The formerly nice parent who has changed can't change back.

We don't like it, but if we can stop wishing it were different, it might get a little easier. For about 30 seconds, anyway.

Onlychild1958: Unfortunately you may have made the wrong choice for the right reasons. Your mother is unhappy about her situation and you are the easiest one to blame so she isn't likely to appreciate the sacrifice you made on her behalf. I can well understand how hurt you feel because I also had to leave my job in order to care for my husband. I do have him in adult day care a few times a week so that I can work part time and consider my job to be like a vacation compared to taking care of him at home. However I really miss my full-time job which was a lot more stimulating than the part time job I have now. If your mother is going to be unhappy anyway, casting you in the role of the person responsible for her unhappiness, maybe you should consider putting her in a nursing home and resuming your career, if not at your former job, then elsewhere. Your current situation could go on for many years and isn't likely to improve so you should really think in terms of taking care of yourself.