My mother has been a single mother for all my life, she drove off all the men in her life with her narcissistic attitude and her violent outbursts and constant alcoholism, she also never exercised in the whole time I lived with her and so she was overweight. She claimed that she gave up her sex life to have my sister and I and blames us for her lack of good looks, not her beer or cigarettes. Growing up, my twin sister and I were hit on a regular basis, not in a constructive healthy way (if that's even a thing, I don't believe in having to hit children), and she used gaslighting and mental abuse daily to get what she wanted or to just hurt my sister and I. She created a divide between my sister and I by purposefully favoring her more than me and making me the scapegoat for every issue in her life, even things I had no part in. I had thought about suicide since I was young, maybe 13, because she encourages it with her actions and abuse. She broke up all my friendship and relationships with other to isolate me at home and to stay in control, she could never bear me to be happy or have achievements of my own. I finally escaped when I went off to college at age 18. I am now 22 years old, graduating college in a week, accomplishing a bachelors degree in 3.5 years. I never had any financial help over the years from my mother for college. In fact, she has been demanding money from me since she forced me to get a job at 16. She used to steal every paycheck from me until I left for college, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it because I didn't have a bank account and had to sign my checks over to her. If I didn't work and giver he my paychecks then she threatened to kick me out of the house, and did twice before, once on Christmas for 5 days.

She has never apologized for any of this and to this day calls me evil and ungrateful for treating a "perfect and giving" mother like her like I do. I have been estranged from her since leaving for college at 18 for my own health and well-being. She found out recently there is a cyst on one of her ovaries and now insists that my sister and I quit college in our senior years, our jobs, our relationships (I'm engaged now), and travel 15 hours to her to take care of her every need and take care of her pets and clean and cook for her as she "recovers from her surgery". She has never asked in the entire time while I've been away at college if I had enough money for school, or to feed myself, or if I had anywhere to stay on the holidays, or even checked in to see if I was alive. Now she's on bed rest and using her dogs (one that I still love dearly after not seeing him for years) as a tool to guilt me for not quitting my life to take care of her. She has quit every job in her life that she's had and is always always in need of money and thinks her college-age children should giver her all of our hard-earned money because we owe it to her. She's even demanded we go into credit card debt to give her money, she simply doesn't care for her daughters.

I feel bad for her predicament, as you would for a stranger, but she is a horribly evil, narcissistic, and unstable woman and honestly deserves everything happening to her. Do any of you think I'm absolutely obligated to drop my life and care for her? I'd be broke very soon and severely depressed.

No, of course you're not obligated to quit your life and go over to hers. Even if she had been a perfect and loving mother that's still too much to ask of your grown children.

You says she needs surgery. They won't do surgery on her and then send her home with no resources.

You have no obligation here.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Eyerishlass

Run the other direction! She will only become more demanding as she ages. More on with your life. Good Luck
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Reply to mathisawesome

No you are not obligated.

You are also not obligated to have any contact with her at all.

Narsisitic humans only care about what others can provide for them and when you no longer provide anything you are disposed of. Until you tread back in and get sucked into providing something else to them.

You sound very angry and I am sure you have cause for it. It should be addressed, for your sake. Anger will eat you alive and taint your entire existence. Stop the cycle with yourself, find a good counselor and work out your issues. You will feel so much better and you will be able to disconnect or balance your relationship with your mom on your terms. Right now it is on her terms because she still controls your emotions.

Wish her luck and goodwill with her surgery and if she gets ugly, gotta go, bye, click!

OH by the way, tumor is the medical terminology for any type of growth, it could be a blood sac and be called a tumor, they won't know until they remove it. So don't be guilted by her tumor, she will try to make you believe it's cancer but I promise you, if she knew it was, you would have seen the banner. This is a ploy used by narcs to get us sucked in. I'm dying you have to! We are all dying, just different expiration dates.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

No you do not owe her anything. Do not give up your hard earned freedom.

If I were you when I next moved I would not share my forwarding address. She is not a mother to you.

I understand that you love the one dog, but as one pet lover to another no pet is worth jeopardizing your future. You have lived without the pet for 4 years, you can continue to live without it.
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Reply to Tothill

Here is an article I found.

It looks like to me, depending on the size, its just a small incision. Should heal pretty fast. Maybe a "same day" surgery. She will be sore and some pain but will not be an invalid.

You owe your Mom nothing. If you r 22 she can't be more than 50. She is not old. There are agencies who can help her. Its time she does for herself. Children are suppose to grow up and move on. Please, don't allow yourself to get sucked in. Move forward, not backwards. Me personally would change my ph#.
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Reply to JoAnn29

the timing of her medical issues is suspicious given her controlling tendencies and your upcoming graduation. As a college graduate, career doors that open for you may be far from home, both physically and emotionally and your mother may be trying to control this. While I hope her medical issue is more drama than serious diagnosis, keep in mind your mother raised you; she knows what buttons to push to get a reaction!

Some times, you have to take a deep breath, look forward and decide that your life comes first and that not every mother/daughter relationship is salvageable. Do not allow anyone, including a loved one, to draw you into a toxic environment out of guilt/manipulation! It does not make you a “bad person” to choose your mental and emotional health first!

Good luck and congratulations on your graduation!!
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Reply to Barsenault60

One question I find in any posts by those mentally abused is "why would you take this punishment as an adult". I think one thing is abused people can't understand why their own parent can't love them so they do everything they can hoping they will finally have parent love them. Which doesn't work because they now know which child they can continue to make feel guilty. Anyone can get pregnant, not everyone is a mother. They lack something in their personality that doesn't allow them to bond with the child and probably even their own parents. Their brains just are not wired that way. They have no empathy. That is not the childs fault and you can never change the parent.
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Reply to JoAnn29

We used to have a poster on here who drilled into us the phrase "No I couldn't possibly do that". Its great.. and it's true. So practice practice practice! And stick to it! I see you live 15 hours away.. be very glad you do..
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to pamzimmrrt

Absolutely not!!!! Ovarian cysts are not really that big of a deal, she can find
help through the hospital, or pay for pet care. She WILL ruin your life if you open
that door to becoming involved. These types of people care only for themselves
and their comfort.

They want servants and scapegoats only. Not children. They have no idea how
to care for them, and see them as only objects to exploit and project their own
internal hatred and drama upon.

Don't get sucked in. Many of us here have done so and regretted it. Parents
who were toxic during your childhood, remain so when you reach adulthood.
They want to derail your life so that they might reign supreme over your time
energy and financial resources. They will do everything to sabotage you so
that you might never get away.

You've done very well in becoming independent and getting away from her
Don't lose your progress by falling prey to her guilt tripping ploy.
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Reply to bettina

Obligation or not, I think you'd make a terrible job of it!

So it's not even a question; that is, it is out of the question that you should disrupt your life significantly in order to serve your mother, and if your sister's feelings are the same then I would say the same to her.

If at any point you have concerns that your mother is not receiving the medical attention or living support that she actually needs, contact the relevant services in the area where she lives. She may need help. Her needs may be very real and very serious. But however great her needs, that does not mean that you can meet them.

I also recommend that you read 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' by Christine Ann Lawson. I do not pretend to diagnose your mother based on your heartfelt history, but this useful and enlightening handbook is a good introduction for anyone who has to deal constructively with a loved one who, sadly, they nonetheless find toxic.
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Reply to Countrymouse

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