My mother is over 70 years old, mentally incompetent, abusive and does not care if she dies. What are we able to do?
Ok so...were to begin. well. we live in New Jersey, My mother is over 70, and she has symptoms of some kind of personally disorder. Her entire life she has been a very negative person who stole money from me, her sister, her husband and my cousin, feeling entitled to our earnings, downplays her poor actions and seems to write off any of our concerns as over reactions or being sensitive.She was always very judgmental and racist of people. Shes always been hard to live with but we did ok. Then... my father got prostate cancer and I was left alone with her when he was in the hospital. Now here's the thing....she had memory problems and health problems for a while but every doctor appointment we made, every attempt to get her seen, well, she'd cancel or get hostile. With my father gone, I could see her health had declined rapidly. She was not breathing well, has NOT bathed for who knows how long, and stopped taking her medication (shes diabetic and has high blood pressure). my attempts to get her to a hospital resulted in her getting violent and very disconcerting threats to kill me. mind you I am 30 years old with Aspergers syndrome so this...this was traumatizing. She burned my arm with one of her cigarettes I called the ambulence and police. but after arguing with the police and medical staff they could not take her. They said they couldn't go agaist her will. This went on for weeks till my dad got home. Her health continued to decline but still nothing to be done.
We finally was able to get her in to the emegery room after a month of fighting and my father regained enough strangth. She is in kidney failure and is going to need dialysis three times a week. since shes been admitted to the hospital, it has been nothing but torment. when we are away, she floods our phones begging and crying "I WANNA GO HOME" We visit her, she's picked off her wristband and taken off her gown, shoes on and following my father around screaming for him to take her home. He cant even talk to the nurse, he had to get security to take her away and sedate her. She refuses to take her pills still. we tell her she'll die and its just met with more screaming of "I DONT CARE I WANT MY CIGARETTES I WANTTA GO HOME, I WANNA SEE MY DOG" again, we tell her that her lungs are filling up with fluid "GOOD. I DONT CARE. TAKE ME HOME OR IM WALKING OUT" she has been declaired mentally incompetent. all the choices fall on us. Her primary doctor says she has holes in her brain but with how much she's fighting we can't get her tested for alzheimer's but.... its pretty clear she has some form of dementia on top of the personality disorder. Medical transport to and from th dialysis clinic will be ...welll...it will be impossible for us long term. I dont have a car, I can't afford one. I've been trying to pay off my student debts and working a low paying job while also doing freelance work. I walk or bus everywhere. I've been trying to find a second job for awhile but I have yet to get a callback. My father has a car but it is in bad shape and needs repair. the 'home' she wants to go back too needs so much work as it smells of waste and urine, infested with rats and has an insect problem. Medical transport? She will refuse to get on it. She will refuse to take her medications. She will fight us tooth and nail and neither of us want to be the subject of her wrath on a daily basis as we fight her to do basic things she clearly does not want to do. She stinks so badly and even if shes been declared incompetent she's made it clear she wants to be left to die. Medical staff aren't giving us much choice though, the nurse don't want to talk to us about putting her away, that WE MUST SAVE HER. YOU MUST DO THIS. that the fluid in her lungs is why she is horrible.
But here's the thing.... She is not happy. She is done with life. she torments the only two people who have stuck by her this long. We are struggling with finances. We take her home she'll just sit and continue to smoke 4 packs a day while screaming and hitting us if she doesn't get what she wants. So heres my question....What are we able to do? CAN we take her home and just let her live her last days as she wants, not bothering with the dialysis? or are we looking at legal ramifications for doing this? I wouldn't know how to search this up on new jersey law. i feel so lost. There is no help. My father has lost so much weight, he should be resting as he supposed to still be recovering. I fear they will eventually tell her to go home and we do not have the capacity nor willpower to care for her. she has a sister who wants us to do what we can to save her but at the same time she wants nothing to do with her care. we just want to let my mother go.she was too stubborn to do a living will but.... we know she wants to just go.