My mother is now living with me permanently after a fall and now feels homeless. What should I say to help her feel better?

Your mother is not entirely well now in the head, which is what has necessitated this move. And she is angry, depressed about this final loss of home and autonomy. This is absolutely normal.
Listen to her. Tell her you know that it hurts her. Reiterate what brought you both to this place. Offer again to move some favored things into the room, or simply DO it.
What you should say is this:
"Mom, I hear your grief. I know how sad you are. But the fall did injury to your brain. And at least FOR NOW you cannot be alone. And I cannot move into your place. I know your are sad and grieving and I have shed tears for you myself. But this is where you are. You have gone through so many tough things in life, and this being plopped down in my spare room is one more. Let me help you make it seem a little bit more like your own home until we can see about getting you better. And let's know that we will both cry about this; we didn't want this to happen to you. But let's use the time to talk about good memories, and watch something fun on TV together, and play some old songs."

Something along those lines but anything you come up with as long as
1. It recognizes and HEARS her mourning her loss
2. It doesn't rob her completely of hope.
3. It lets her know you enjoy her and want to enjoy good times again with her.

My heart out to you both. This is tough stuff.

She’s correct, it’s not her home. She’s mourning her losses, wouldn’t we all? Seeing her home and independence slip away has to be incredibly sad. Have someone take her out or at least occupy her in another area and decorate her room with her familiar things, no discussion, just make it happen. Acknowledge her feelings, but don’t continue endless looping conversations about it as that will only frustrate you both. Things have changed, and whatever “happy” looked like for your mom may well be in the past. This will be a big adjustment for you both. Wishing you both peace

Good Afternoon,

If you can get your mother's comforter/bed spread a few familiar items from your's mother's home this may help.

Tell her you are trying to keep her out of a facility. Give her things to do like fold the face clothes (even though you may have to re-fold them when she is not looking) or break off the tips of string beans, pair the socks, anything.

Can her Church people visit once a week with Communion, a Bulletin, etc. That's what I did for my mother.

Their brain is broken so you can't explain too much but make them feel included. The color lavender and music in the background of their era calms them. Or, simply sit and hold their hand.

Just say this is your home too and you have a family who loves you and we will make sure you have everything you need and hold their hand and sit beside them on the sofa then go get some cookies or a piece of chocolate to share. Works every time!

They usually like fresh flowers on the table too...I know it's hard and it breaks your heart but if you are calm, they will be calm. We have to be "sure-footed". I just love that word.

Happy New Year! Ireland

Maybe 'home' is still too raw, too much to process. It is a huge loss - but your Mother is extremely lucky to have you by her side & provide her new home 🩷

See what catches her eye now when out with you (or in magazines/online). Maybe she will fill her new space with a completely new style? I image TBI could effect taste in colours, style, objects.

Was she a fresh flowers person? Or liked dolls or teddy bears? I'd be tempted to sneak in a pretty vase if so.. or a small bear. Maybe Paddington Bear with a suitcase. He is away from home too.

This new chapter of her life can bring new joys too! I hope so.

When DH aunt moved into the NH, I asked if she would like me to bring some personal things. She said no, she wouldn’t be staying long. The doctor would soon be releasing her to go home she would say. Of course, she wasn’t going home.
So I played along.
Just give your mom time to adjust.
Meanwhile when she mentions having no home, tell her you know she misses her home and then change the subject. Look up Teepa Snow. She has good techniques for redirecting on her youtube videos.

Tell your mom she is not homeless. She took care of you at home and now you are lovingly taking care of her at home. Just be patient, kind, and loving. You are a blessing to your mom.

Acknowledge her saying "this is not my home".
She is right this is NOT her home it is your home, your husbands home, your kid's home.
Maybe say something like this...
"Mom, your right this is not your home but this is YOUR room"
"We love having you here and I feel much better knowing you are safe"
"If you really don't want to be here we can start looking for Assisted Living places" (I am sure she would much rather be with you and the family rather than in an AL, where she will still not be in her "own" home)
And one more thought...
Is there any way to convert a part of the basement to an "in-law" apartment? A small 1 bedroom, a little kitchenette area and a bathroom? The only problem might be stairs and an emergency egress.

Before we got the diagnosis of dementia, my Mom said she was homeless. She was living in the condo, she lived in for 10 years prior to this time. Even though she knew where all the food was, where her clothes were, etc., she thought she was homeless.

It was a temporary phase.

What else can be done ? Not much . She has a good situation in that you have been able to take her in and help out . Tell her this is how it has to be now and that’s all that’s possible . She can decorate the room and make it feel as much her room as possible .

not sure what else you can say. It might help if you can get other friends and family to also reiterate this and give the exact same message that you are giving .

It isn't (just) a matter of what to say. It is what you do.
When she is out of the room (breakfast time or just out for a change of scenery), YOU personalize her room with family photos, things she likes and/or had in her own home. This is important.

While you respect your mom and her wishes, you do not listen to a person who is depressed with a brain injury - in terms of what might be best for her well being. You need to assess what will support her - and take control of the situation. These are loving gestures. She will appreciate this - even if she doesn't initially respond / show it.

What to say?
* You provide empathy - understanding - support.
- You take her hand, look into her eyes and tell her you love her.
- You acknowledge how she feels, not agree or disagree.
- You offer reflective listening "I hear your saying xxx" "I understand you feel xxx" - - - - BY DOING THIS, YOU LET HER KNOW SHE IS BEING HEARD AND THAT SHE MATTERS TO YOU. YOU ARE LISTENING TO HER WHICH REINFORCES TO HER THAT SHE HAS / IS VALUED.

Understand that she is depressed and there may not be anything specifically that you can do besides - what is MOST IMPORTANT - being with her letting her know she is loved.

Don't try 'too hard' to help or change as this will (continue to) cause you frustration and is anxiety producing. Be as calm as possible, smile, be 'happy' for the little wins - if you get a smile back, a squeeze of her hand in yours, a sense that you are 'getting through' with her response.

Share your day with her.

You may not know how the brain was affected specifically. Ask her MD and do some research on how the brain changes in the specific areas that were affected.

Be aware to not burn yourself out. This is so easy to do, even when one (me) was aware to not over-due and yet still have responsibilities that require me to be 'on' when almost every part of me felt 'off' (tired, exhausted, overwhelmed).

- Do what you can to renew yourself, often. Even the little self-supports such as taking five minutes to sit and focus on breathing (the out breathe)
or
- Go for a walk or jog
- Engage in a hobby or decide to start a new one
- Perhaps take up photography and photograph your mom, and you together.
- Download and if you can, learn Photoshop or some program and manipulate photos (lots of fun)

YOU CAN GET A PUZZLE MADE OF A PHOTOGRAPH. Try this if she is able to do a puzzle with you, or with help. Even if she can't do it alone, if she moves the pieces around 'trying' that is enough.

- It is easy to get caught up in 'doing for another' and forgetting about 'doing for our self' - you are equally as important as anyone else and you need to keep yourself going to support an/other, your mom.

Lastly, if it might feel right, consider getting volunteers - or a volunteer in to talk with her or do a project together (collage, looking through a magazine ... if she was interested in gardening or birds before, look at these types of magazines- photos).
- Contact a local church or volunteer organization, or enlist old / new friends and neighbors.
* even 15 minutes of a visit could make a huge difference to your mom. . . especially once her room represents / reflects her 'old' home in some ways that make it feel like home.

Lastly,
* Ask MD about mobility and what would be good for her to do daily. Moving is one of the most helpful antidotes to depression and more. Be sure to get her up and out daily. (Be it in your garden, living room, outside, for a ride, walk around the block - whatever she can do-with support).
* Ask MD about medication or diet changes. Smoothies are excellent as a way to get in lots of nutrients (I do this 3-5 x / week, adding a small piece of garlic and ginger root, prunes ... and lots of other things like chia seeds, Lions Mane, collogen, spices, more). The base is yogurt, banana / berries and juice (or milk). If she needs calories, use ice cream.

Gena / Touch Matters