My mother is chronically depressed, has generalized anxiety, migraines 5 days a week, is supposed to be on an oxygen machine but instead chain smokes, drinks heavily, falls on the ice outside and has to wait until someone comes by to help her up, barely eats, cannot ale care of her dog etc. do I have any power to get her into a hospital when she refuses????
I think the best move might be to contact APS and encourage her neighbors to do the same if they are concerned. No, they won't take action right away, but you want to get her on their radar as a vulnerable adult; she needs a social worker assigned to her to provide ongoing mental health support.
When she falls, visit the discharge planning office as soon as she is admitted and inform them that she is unsafe living at home. Do NOTHING to enable her returning home; do not sign the discharge papers and do not provide transportation.
At some point her neighbors are probably going to stop wanting to do things for her. Right now they are prolonging the charade of independence.
You said that your H and you help, also. What kind of help do you provide and how often? How far away do you live? Has there been "mission creep" for you? Are you also enabling her charade of independence?
What is the plan for when she can no longer live alone (if not to that point already, she is rapidly approaching it)? What is her financial situation?
for years my husband and I have helped by at times successfully convincing her to go therapy, a neurologist , and other medical help, bring her food etc. I’ve put up boundaries in therapy with her saying I will not take care of these needs, that she needs to help herself. She was a therapist for 30 years and puts on a “healthy game face” and seems to lie to me and therapists and says she doesn’t need anything from me but weeks later will say she’s too sick to get herself food. When I refuse to get it to her, we don’t talk for a period of time. She can’t understand why I get angry at her for wanting me to constantly help her. She also seems to get more depressed when I don’t help her, somewhat blaming me for her mental issues. It’s a mess!!!
Her friends recently texted her and said they would not continue to enable the situation by “taking care of her.”
She knows that I will not take her into my home and I assume resents me for it, but doesn't my accept she will need to be in a nursing home any time soon.
I don’t know how much money she has, but she has quite a bit. A couple of million or more.
I don't mean to seem cruel but she is making these choices. She is still young but she needs to want or accept help.
yes, the doctor told her she is making terrible choices. You are right
Recommending a book, a memoir by Liz Scheier called Never Simple, about her lifelong journey attempting to get care for her mother who had mental issues and substance abuse. Ms Scheier and the entire social services community of the city and state of New York wasted their efforts until her Mom finally died. The book is a wakeup call on what can and cannot be done. Consider Al-Anon where you will get great guidance, ideas, support and information.
"and have have the hospital refer in-home assistance to come daily" In home assistance is usually after a Hospital stay and the person needs some Physically Therapy. You do get an aide but only about 3x a week to help bathe you. Once the PT is done so is the in home assistance. If you want an aide for Mom on a daily basis, Mom or you will have to pay for it. At $15 an hr thats $120 a day for an 8 hr shift. $840 a week if 7 days and I am being conservative. If Mom is low income, she may be able to get Medicaid but rarely is that 8 hrs a day. Office of Aging may be able to help.
You could call Office of Aging or Adult Protection services and ask if they could evaluate Mom. They may help with resources.
A hospital is probably not going to offer or order home assistance for her.
She has not yet hit her rock bottom. Not ready to make any changes.
Indeed you are awaiting the next crises.
There is much here you cannot control. Work on what is within your control.
Be ready for that next crises. Be ready to inform her care team of her recent choices. It's up to Mother to change her mind.
I agree you need to go to Al-Anon for yourself to find reality and boundaries. Yes, alcohol is a symptom but it is the main thing in preventing her from dealing with her deeper issues. If she's also mentally ill, she won't be able to take any meds safely and effectively until she's off the booze. So, it is the first thing that needs to be dealt with.
You seem to keep wanting your Mom to be someone she is not, and probably never was. Please know that you aren't responsible for her happiness. You can't have her recovery for her. These are hard truths, so I wish you much clarity and wisdom, and peace in your heart whatever the outcome.
You are waiting for a fall, as mentioned above.
She's going to fall and wind up in the hospital (chances are)...and then she'll probably want you there...IDK how your relationship is with her.
If/when she winds up in the ED you can report her as an unsafe discharge and hopefully get someone to check on her living conditions, etc. She may 'lose' the right to choose for herself.
In the meantime, let her know you're there for her, but sounds like she just does what she wants.
Curious-how old is she?