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Your Mom is only 83.
She likely has a good 10 years of life left and you tell us in your profile that you are 63.
You're my daughter's age, and your mom is about my age (82 this year).
It would absolutely SLAY me to think that she would sacrifice her own life on the burning funeral pyre when this is the most free she has ever been with her son raised and through college and out on his own. She and her hubby, 70, now can travel, enjoy their paid off home, do all the things they always longed to do. How horrible to think that she would sacrifice her own life for me when I have HAD MY LIFE.

I encourage you to have open discussions now with your husband about a future for the two of you. Yes, this will mean placement. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it, and this is going to get worse and worse until it kills you off. You will no longer be a daughter but a caregiver, and that is the one who bears the brunt of all our anger over our normal losses with aging.

We now live too long. I am convinced of that. We are taking our children down with us.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I encourage you to come to some of the tough decisions for your own life now. At least open the discussion and begin to think of options.
Helpful Answer (22)
Reply to AlvaDeer
graygrammie Jun 1, 2024
This is exactly why I plan to move to a CCRC. I will not put the burden on my children that was put on me. My biggest problem is figuring out where I want to live the rest of my life. I want my kids to have the retirement years that I have yet to have.
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This is the time that you have to face facts - you are no longer able to be your mother's caregiver.

You have a duty of care for your mum, but you also have a duty of care to yourself. You can't do both in your home, so it's time to outsource one.

There will never be a perfect solution, so you have to choose the one that gives the best quality of life to you because you're the one who is completely aware.

Be an advocate for your mum (that can be exhausting enough), but don't risk your own health and wellbeing by being the hands on caregiver any more. Start looking at care facilities and choose the best affordable one (not affordable for you - you have your own old age to think about - affordable for your mum).

Best wishes for you and your mum.
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Reply to MiaMoor

Classic scenario as to why home care doesn't work. Mom needs to be in an AL facility. They have people working there 24/7/365 that can help your mom anytime day or night. Your killing your REM sleep and eventually you will be nothing but a zombie who isn't good for anybody.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to olddude

This is just a bit too much. You need sleep. I assume she is wearing night time depends? I bought twin bed sized washable pads for my moms bed for when she has accidents. She is now in AL. I would hire someone to take the night shift or put mom in the appropriate setting for her issues.

Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to againx100

I can do anything and take on anything if I have had good sleep.

When I've had to be FT CG for my DH who has had several really severe health issues--I have not slept well. Each time, after a few weeks with him being demanding and a terrible patient, I would wind up with a days-long migraine--when all I needed was to SLEEP.

Your mom is wearing depends at night so you DON'T HAVE TO GET UP. You're essentially letting her ruin your sleep b/c, why? Is she upset about being in depends at this stage of the game? Or are you more bothered by it?

Not trying to be judgy, just hoping you can figure out a way to get your sleep and still give mom the care you want to give her.

I guess you could hire someone for those weird hours. A college student in nursing? She comes at about 11, takes care of mom and then takes care of her at 3 and goes home or wherever. It's going to cost a bit--being an overnight kind of thing--but I have heard of weirder CG schedules.

However, if mom has no problem using the depends, then let her sleep and hope for the best. Using a lot of pads on the bed and some extra ones in the depends might give you the coverage you need.

For me (and I think a LOT of other people)--when my LO becomes incontinent and they are not able to handle the diaper routine--that's the signal that an ALF must come into play.
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Reply to Midkid58

This doesn't work after a while. I took care of my sister who was incontinent, and I would be awakened out of a deep sleep from the smell of bowel incontinency. It was horrible, and it happened more times than I care to talk about. She would be covered in crap from head to toe, the bed, the floor, and the walls. This would happen around two in the morning. Now after a bath, laundry in the middle of the night, it would be at least four am before I was able to get back to sleep only having to get up two hours later for work and then for classes at the university. Sometimes I would make it home to feed my daughter dinner and then off to class until nine and home by ten. It was hellish.

I couldn't take it any longer. I eventually got her placed but it was through the government. We all know how long that process can take. To top it off, my father acted like a jerk the entire time including getting married and didn't bother about telling me. He was enjoying a new marriage while I'm left struggling with his disabled daughter.
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Reply to Scampie1
NeedHelpWithMom May 29, 2024
So very true! It reminds me of when I would change daughter’s diapers and as soon as I did, that’s when she would go to the bathroom.

It’s involuntary! Babies can’t control their bladder and neither can older people!
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Hi SharShar, leave the depends on with a liner inside them. Put disposable bed pads under Mom and maybe a washable one under them just in case to keep the bed dry. Use desitin zinc ointment if you see beginnings of a rash starting. I would not and do not get up at night to change my Mom. She does not have any skin breakdown and we both get good sleep. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to lmh1973
Bestrong Jun 1, 2024
Well said!
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Change mom before bed and once again around 4am, that's it. Or get a used Purewick system on Facebook Marketplace or Craigslist.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to lealonnie1

I think you have the answer from many replies here. Apparently one of the main reasons the elderly move into a proper care facility is due to incontinence and the extreme difficulty and negative impact it has on other family members, especially those having to do the caring and cleaning up. I speak from experience: my mother’s night time incontinence got to the stage where I was having to go over to hers every morning, change her sheets and her soiled clothing, clean the room, clean the bathroom and chair, look out for soiled stuff she had hidden in wardrobes and drawers, take everything home, wash and dry it all then take it all back the next day for it all to start again. A routine like this is never ending and takes its toll on your health too - and there is no opportunity to have a life of your own. Now my mother is in a care home and it’s someone else’s job to do all this, not mine.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Chriscat83

hi SharShar,

It took me several years to figure this out through trial and error - but it works for us:

-EgoSan pullup briefs (available on Amazon). They're pricier than Depends but you need to change them much less often plus they rarely leak (even with bowel incontinence). (Depends are useless IMO.)
-For extra protection we also add to his Egosan brief a Tena Overnight extra coverage pad every time we change him. (available on Amazon). This really helps!
-Washable large waterproof bed pads. Saves your mattress and bedding. (amazon).

Your loved one should be able to sleep comfortably through the entire night with this combination. Give it a try and get a good night's sleep. Your loved one's bedding will usually be 100% dry in the mornings, with a few minor exceptions.

Hopes this combo works for you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to LostinPlace

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