Mom expects me to entertain her and take her to get "out" of the facility. She wants to go shopping for clothes. She's 98 and uses a walker. It's becoming difficult and I have trouble saying no. Please help me!
Tell mom that you enjoy your times together and that it is easier for you to schedule them for every ________ days of the month. Put your appointment on a calendar that she can refer to.
Oh yes…I get the stress! I told my Mom we will have 3 visits weekly.. Sunday for church and a few hours at my apartment with my kitty, another day to visit my apartment {or a restaurant} and have lunch and one day I visit her at the assisted living {for an 1 1/2 hr chat}. My brother calls her one day and has a short visit weekly… I encouraged my mom to do all activities and she now loves them. I bring her some favorite fruit weekly and I buy whatever she needs..it took a good 8 months but she now is settled and happy..I keep to our schedule and that helps her interact with the activities. Set some boundaries and keep to a schedule! Good Luck…p.s. My mom refused a phone in her room…she hates a cell phone..That helped a lot!
Mamasmurf, I feel your pain. Sometimes you just have to say no or it's not a good time.
My story. My 87 year old mother was placed in a board and care about 2.5 weeks ago near me and she was moved from her home which is 3 hours away. Since she moved in she is always calling me telling me I must have forgotten about her and that she is lonely. This statement made me angry because I had told her last week during a visit, I would be busy and I couldn't see her all the time because my triplets were graduating high school and we had many activities I had to attend. She didn't seem to care. I then reminded her that in order for her to have the 24 hour care she needed, I would have to return to the working force (I retired 3 years ago) to pay for her care because her social security check wouldn't cover a third of her care. This finally made her stop complaining at least for now. I also went two days ago to visit her and bring her some supplies. Her first response to me as I walked in was, "I thought you were busy." I can't seem to win with her.
I hope you find a better way to say, It's not a good time.
Wow. You are doing such a good job carimg for your mother. Coming out of retirement to pay for her care? That's huge.
I can relate to the "can't win" feeling and unrealistic demands/expectations. My mom acts as if I don't need to sleep, work, have liesure time and spend time talking with my two teens. Not to mention handling her laundry, fixing meals, scheduling appointments and preparing meds (crushing pills for G tube).
I slowly learned to not take it personally (most of the time) and just keep going.
Sometimes I leave her room and just say to God, "God you see me right? Thank you for noticing I am caring for her. Than you thatvyiu will reward me for not lashing out and not giving up."
Coming here to read other people's experiences and advice helps a LOT as well. It's part of my support system.
How about using a w/c when you take her out. Dinner with her at the facility a few times per week might be nice. See how that works and go from there. She is 98 years old bless her heart. It seems she is doing quite well to want to go shopping. I would take her out, but you certainly can decrease some days visiting her. Call her on the days you don't visit her. Most elders get lonely for their family. Try spacing the days out. Monday, Wednesday and Friday for visiting. One day shopping or out to lunch. Trial and error and see what works for both of you. No need to feel guilty, do what feels right for you, otherwise you will feel stressful, resentful, angry. Do what is in your heart. My mother uses a walker at home and when I take her out she uses a w/c, her legs are quite weak from spinal stenosis. It is so much easier and safer for her. I try to make it fun for all of us when I take mom out. She enjoys going out so much. The park, ice cream, a ride in the country side and shopping, she still loves to dress up and buy nice clothes. I take my mom out every other day for a few hours on good days. That makes a very happy mama and because when mama is happy we all are. Enjoy your mother while you can. The best to both of you.
I have been there and I know what you're going through. My dad had to be moved to assisted living in Sept. 2019 at age 93. He had been living on his own with the help of outside caregivers 6 days a week and I was there on Saturday. He still owned 2 cars so we moved one to the facility and hired caregivers 3 days a week to take him out and about. I would go on Saturday. He would not move unless I agreed to that. Loading him and the walker was a challenge. Then covid hit. No more caregivers, nor could I visit. That's what broke the cycle for us. He ended up in skilled nursing and finally to memory care after being confined to his room. No more cars. In the process of selling the house. Your mom is probably still mobile because she is getting out and about. If I were you, I would start cutting back on the visits. Make excuses if you have to. She will start finding other things to do at the facility. Do they have any outings she could go on? Dad was never interested in those. Only wanted his independence to have someone take him in his own car. Let the facility know the struggles you are having to see if they can steer her another direction.
You MAY be making it more difficult for your mother to adjust comfortably to her new environment.
Assuming that her placement was determined by the the realization that she was no longer to live safely and productively in the world she had known before she was overtaken by the losses of old age, and also assuming that she was placed in the very best setting that could be found for her, you now have a responsibility TO HER to indicate that YOU have confidence in the decisions that have been lovingly made on her behalf.
Your stress? The ball is in your court. You have done everything that needs to be done.
You and she BOTH NEED SPACE. Popping in for a few minutes every few days lets you know how things are moving forward.
So spend enormous amounts of time there every day with full know.edge that neither of you benefit, OR develop a new, reasonably spaced schedule of visits and see how that works. Be sure to work on a comfort level in communicating with her care staff too. Nothing more comforting to the worried and weary.
I have to agree. If you are spending a tremendous amount of time with her you are stopping her from becoming a part of her new community. She is in a safe place so there is no need to spend so much time with her unless you actually want to. Spend one day a week with her to do special things. Other than that a quick 30 minute visit some other time in the week is enough.
Could you introduce her to online shopping if she wants something new? Do you take her shopping for clothes at a mall? Why does she need more clothes in an assisted living facility?
You are 100% right! Why does she need more clothes in an assisted living facility? She says her clothes are old. Her clothes are very fashionable and I've removed everything that doesn't fit. Her closet is filled!! She thinks she needs "another color" of something. I've told her that she's not wearing what she does have, so when she DOES wear more we will see about shopping for something new. When she told me she doesn't want to dress like an "old lady" I made the mistake of telling her, "but mom, you ARE an old lady!" I had to leave after I said that!! 😳
If your mom is in a trustworthy facility, then that's great! But you need to realize that you are not responsible for her happiness and are not her entertainment committee. Check the facility's offerings of activities and events and suggest she attend these (without you). Make excuses why you can't go yourself. Don't answer all her calls. Limit your time together to a once a week outing. You need to allow her to get used to the facility and meet people. You can contact admin and ask them if they can "invite" her personally to some of the facility events and maybe they'll even have someone take her. My mom is 92 and sort of needy in the same way, but she lives next door to me. I still work mostly full time. I just need to say no to her urgent need to go shopping or have me fix something in her home. That's just how it has to be for my sanity. Yours, too.
Thank you!! Thank you so much for your input. I have been feeling so guilty. Mom is in a wonderful facility where she has a lot to do, but seems to be "happy" to just sit and be bored. Thus she contributes to my guilt feelings. I really must distance myself from her. I'll keep working on it!! And I don't know how YOU manage living next door to your mom. Mine was 3 miles away and that was too close. She's closer than that now, but at least she's in good hands. Thank you again!!
My story. My 87 year old mother was placed in a board and care about 2.5 weeks ago near me and she was moved from her home which is 3 hours away. Since she moved in she is always calling me telling me I must have forgotten about her and that she is lonely. This statement made me angry because I had told her last week during a visit, I would be busy and I couldn't see her all the time because my triplets were graduating high school and we had many activities I had to attend. She didn't seem to care. I then reminded her that in order for her to have the 24 hour care she needed, I would have to return to the working force (I retired 3 years ago) to pay for her care because her social security check wouldn't cover a third of her care. This finally made her stop complaining at least for now. I also went two days ago to visit her and bring her some supplies. Her first response to me as I walked in was, "I thought you were busy." I can't seem to win with her.
I hope you find a better way to say, It's not a good time.
I can relate to the "can't win" feeling and unrealistic demands/expectations. My mom acts as if I don't need to sleep, work, have liesure time and spend time talking with my two teens. Not to mention handling her laundry, fixing meals, scheduling appointments and preparing meds (crushing pills for G tube).
I slowly learned to not take it personally (most of the time) and just keep going.
Sometimes I leave her room and just say to God, "God you see me right? Thank you for noticing I am caring for her. Than you thatvyiu will reward me for not lashing out and not giving up."
Coming here to read other people's experiences and advice helps a LOT as well. It's part of my support system.
My mother uses a walker at home and when I take her out she uses a w/c, her legs are quite weak from spinal stenosis. It is so much easier and safer for her. I try to make it fun for all of us when I take mom out. She enjoys going out so much. The park, ice cream, a ride in the country side and shopping, she still loves to dress up and buy nice clothes. I take my mom out every other day for a few hours on good days. That makes a very happy mama and because when mama is happy we all are. Enjoy your mother while you can. The best to both of you.
You MAY be making it more difficult for your mother to adjust comfortably to her new environment.
Assuming that her placement was determined by the the realization that she was no longer to live safely and productively in the world she had known before she was overtaken by the losses of old age, and also assuming that she was placed in the very best setting that could be found for her, you now have a responsibility TO HER to indicate that YOU have confidence in the decisions that have been lovingly made on her behalf.
Your stress? The ball is in your court. You have done everything that needs to be done.
You and she BOTH NEED SPACE. Popping in for a few minutes every few days lets you know how things are moving forward.
So spend enormous amounts of time there every day with full know.edge that neither of you benefit, OR develop a new, reasonably spaced schedule of visits and see how that works. Be sure to work on a comfort level in communicating with her care staff too. Nothing more comforting to the worried and weary.