Mom expects me to entertain her and take her to get "out" of the facility. She wants to go shopping for clothes. She's 98 and uses a walker. It's becoming difficult and I have trouble saying no. Please help me!
How long has mom been in AL. If she is new to AL, then she needs to adjust to the routine and make friends and join some of the activities.
Your mom needs to learn to rely on the caregivers at her facility. Try and limit visits to once a week and don't take all her phone calls, let them go to V/M and call her back at your convenience. Try and wean her off so much phone time with you - maybe once a day. This isn't hard and fast - things come up maybe a family celebration. If she calls in a panic, call the facility and talk to them - if there is a problem, they will handle and call you back if there is a problem - you can always ask them to call you back after they've checked on her.
You are not her fulltime caregiver. Being in AL your duties change from fulltime caregiver to being her advocate and son. You make sure she is getting the care she needs, hiccups are smoothed over and problems with the facility are resolved.
Its hard to step back when you feel you mother needs you, but think of like when you first took your child to daycare; while it's very scary for them the experience teaches them the beginnings of independence from their parents. Your mom needs to be as independent as her condition allows and relying on her PAID caregivers.
While the caregivers can't take her shopping, her outings should be declining. Maybe bring her little gifts occasionally when you visit mom. Save outings for special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, holidays.
My father was in AL and I took him to his medical appointments - however as he declined he started using a wheelchair. Getting him in and out of my car was really hard. At some point I'd have the facility drop him off and I'd take him back - until it was too difficult to get him in my car and the facility took him both ways.
Blessings to your and your family for peace, grace and love.
In the Assisted living is there things that the have classes to help. I s she asked to go to the classes. She is at the age when she may feel she wants you to be there. If something happens. Is there a Chaplain or minister that can visit.. you need to take certain times away to let her understand and then when you come she will be happier I hope. Is there some one that can go shopping with you. If physically okay take her. This may show or satisfy her. I would expect sh would get tired and want to go back to her room. Do not let her smother you. Think of some one that can go to her so she would feel visited when your gone. you are a good child to her. bless you.
Can you enlist the help of someone else you trust to take her out once a week? Might you try adult day care or a church group so she gets out? My dad went to bingo sometimes & altho he couldn’t keep up, he liked being around people. We’d pick him up an hour later. Motorized chairs are great, but only if she’s very with it and can control one- they go fast! Can also be tricky navigating inside a store. Some elderly use them masterfully though!
Sounds so easy to the client or relative at the facility..."Just come get me out for a bit". Yet i have personally assisted when i could donate of time & with the proper borrowed car to get anyone out for a meal or shopping. Many times never paid of course because they don't have any cash or very little money since they don't get to use the ATM but the meal is charged. This could be fun at times or near disastrous if one is not readily prepared. I took clients out who were dangerous to themselves just for the heavier pain medication schedule they were keeping. Even clean public restrooms that were deemed safe to enter are rough enough just from wet floor areas. Meaning nobody in the bathroom urinals either since that can be embarrasing for both me a female bringing in a gentleman or the person already using the facilities. Oh my goodness!! It does take much effort to hurry someone who is wheelchair bound in from the rain to the car or all that comes with needing a change too of their disposable garments for bladder or bowel incontinence. I know better now when to say No about taking people from the facility. It would be much wiser not to take any patients away from the facility. Maybe offer to follow along with the shuttle & allow the staff to handle the patients needs. Even if your own relative needs assistance to walk etc. it takes patience & kindness in waiting for them too. Not always skills we already know we have but learn to adjust with. Caregiving is one of the most challenging jobs ever. I have made good senior friends too. Just depends on how much effort you care to give & know how to be firm about boundaries of, "No I cannot possibly do that".
My mother will be 96 in November. She is frail, petite and moves slower than a snail. I have been her full time caregiver for going on 8 yrs. I will be 71 in November. With my own health problems. She uses a walker. She still has problems walking. One very bad knee, one has been replaced. She has macular degeneration in 1 eye, almost blind in that eye. She has dementia and is VERY HARDHEADED. She has Explosive IBS. Will not wear her hearing aids and you have to yell every time you talk to her. She wants to go to the grocery store all the time. The last trip to the store took 3 hours!!! She wants to go shopping for shoes. For clothes. I just can’t do it anymore. Getting her in and out of the car. After the long journey to get to the car, which is approx. 6-8 feet from the back door. Actually it feels like 50 feet! And I will save you about the explosive IBS that has happened in the stores, restaurants, or in the car taking her anywhere. Her problem is, she has no idea how tiring it is to take her anywhere. Lifting the walker in the car, out of the car. She wants to buy everything to cook large meals everyday. But she can no longer cook. She really can’t complete anything she starts. I just follow her around and clean up her messes. Or if she tries to cook, I have to just stand there because she walks away from the stove and forgets the fire is on, or loses track of time and says she just turned for a second. Meanwhile we have flames on the stove. More than once! So I do the cooking now and I do not want to cook a huge meal every night. WHEW, I went off subject. Anyway, carrying in all of the groceries, putting them away. It is just getting to be too much. I go to the store by myself NOW, for the majority of things. She wants to go, and is mad at me most of the time because I will stop to get what she needs while I am running an errand. Or I lie to her and tell her I have things to take care of and then while I’m out, I will do the shopping. I have found that I should have set up boundaries years ago. And stuck to it! It is horrible to have to lie to her, but I really do not want to hurt her feelings by telling her she is too much to take anywhere. You need to make rules. Stick to them. Do things on your time. When YOU have time. See is there are “groups” at her facility that she could attend. Book club, music, cards, puzzles, exercise class, sewing. Anything. Try to get her involved and to make friends there. Caregiver life is hard. VERY HARD! Mentally and physically. Do not listen to people who say it is your duty because she took care of you when you were little and needed something. Those people have NO clue what it takes to care for someone24/7/365. Or to be at their beckoned call. You literally give up your life. Just do what you can do for her. If you can’t, tell her it will have to wait, that you are busy and will let her know when you get some free time. After a couple times hopefully she will learn to live with the new rules. My mother was the most caring person in the world. Always helping people. Cooking meals for sick friends, or, just because she wanted to. That mother is gone. She left about 7 yrs ago. This woman who used to be my mother is now, selfish, always whining that she can’t do anything she use to because of me telling her no (wanting to fly to visit her son 4 states away by herself!!). Complaining all the time. I can’t get her to go to any senior activities. Well, now that I have gone off on my rant, I feel a little bit better 😂 I truly hope you can set some rules about how much time you spend with her, that it can not be at her calling. Good Luck. Breathe. Nice deep breath’s. No guilt!! By the way, this site is a lifesaver when things get real tough. Or for support. For information. Do not hesitate to use it!
Your mom may want to be entertained and go shopping and taken out, but, to quote Mick Jagger, "You DON'T always gET what you want."
Your mother, as are the LO's of some of the others who have responded, is safe and being cared for in her facility. Outings and time with you are bonuses if they can be arranged but they are not required.
For those who fret that their LO's will be mad at them if they do not get to do what they want to, sometimes people will just have to be mad at you.
Understand and accept the limits of what you are willing and able to do. Don't turn yourself inside out trying to prevent someone from having negative reactions.
Enjoy your mother while you can. Most people have difficulty making in life beyond 100. Stay with her. Talk to her. Cherish those moments because very soon you will enjoy only her memories. I am not wishing bad on anyone. I am just saying that people over 100 are delicate. Some people go beyond 105 and those are very special. You need to be at their feet, like I did with my mother and grandmother, 24/7 and forget about raising a family. There is no time for anything else. So, if you love your mom enjoy those moments with her, hug her, kiss her, and tell her you love her a lot. There are people out there who have lost their entire families, including their parents and grandparents and they dont have anyone to hug. Just remember my words. Pray with her together. There are lot of selfish people out there in nursing home, hospices and even hospitals who would not be able to give your mom the kind of love and attention that only you as her daughter could give her, only you can so don't complain. Love her. That is why I regret that I trusted a nursing home to help me with my grandmother and they ended up killing her. God bless you and your mom.
we probably need more information although for you to say "expects to be entertained" sounds like she puts her happiness onto others to give her, which is exhausting. If this is assisted living, do they have a dining room or recreation room that residents can use? Can she be taken there by a staff or perhaps contact a youth group/girl scouts to take her over. I would think there are activates for seniors in your community- and senior transport if that can be afforded. Also think of hobbies she can do. Get her photo albums, or craft projects. Trouble saying no is your area to work on. If you know she is in a safe place, then allow yourself to have time for your life. Don't answer your phone. Tell her later you were in a dentist appt or an appt where phones were not allowed.
Your mom needs to learn to rely on the caregivers at her facility. Try and limit visits to once a week and don't take all her phone calls, let them go to V/M and call her back at your convenience. Try and wean her off so much phone time with you - maybe once a day. This isn't hard and fast - things come up maybe a family celebration. If she calls in a panic, call the facility and talk to them - if there is a problem, they will handle and call you back if there is a problem - you can always ask them to call you back after they've checked on her.
You are not her fulltime caregiver. Being in AL your duties change from fulltime caregiver to being her advocate and son. You make sure she is getting the care she needs, hiccups are smoothed over and problems with the facility are resolved.
Its hard to step back when you feel you mother needs you, but think of like when you first took your child to daycare; while it's very scary for them the experience teaches them the beginnings of independence from their parents. Your mom needs to be as independent as her condition allows and relying on her PAID caregivers.
While the caregivers can't take her shopping, her outings should be declining. Maybe bring her little gifts occasionally when you visit mom. Save outings for special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, holidays.
My father was in AL and I took him to his medical appointments - however as he declined he started using a wheelchair. Getting him in and out of my car was really hard. At some point I'd have the facility drop him off and I'd take him back - until it was too difficult to get him in my car and the facility took him both ways.
Blessings to your and your family for peace, grace and love.
you are a good child to her. bless you.
Can also be tricky navigating inside a store. Some elderly use them masterfully though!
She uses a walker. She still has problems walking. One very bad knee, one has been replaced. She has macular degeneration in 1 eye, almost blind in that eye. She has dementia and is VERY HARDHEADED. She has
Explosive IBS. Will not wear her hearing aids and you have to yell every time you talk to her.
She wants to go to the grocery store all the time. The last trip to the store took 3 hours!!! She wants to go shopping for shoes. For clothes. I just can’t do it anymore. Getting her in and out of the car. After the long journey to get to the car, which is approx. 6-8 feet from the back door. Actually it feels like 50 feet! And I will save you about the explosive IBS that has happened in the stores, restaurants, or in the car taking her anywhere.
Her problem is, she has no idea how tiring it is to take her anywhere. Lifting the walker in the car, out of the car. She wants to buy everything to cook large meals everyday. But she can no longer cook. She really can’t complete anything she starts. I just follow her around and clean up her messes. Or if she tries to cook, I have to just stand there because she walks away from the stove and forgets the fire is on, or loses track of time and says she just turned for a second. Meanwhile we have flames on the stove. More than once! So I do the cooking now and I do not want to cook a huge meal every night.
WHEW, I went off subject.
Anyway, carrying in all of the groceries, putting them away. It is just getting to be too much.
I go to the store by myself NOW, for the majority of things.
She wants to go, and is mad at me most of the time because I will stop to get what she needs while I am running an errand. Or I lie to her and tell her I have things to take care of and then while I’m out, I will do the shopping.
I have found that I should have set up boundaries years ago. And stuck to it! It is horrible to have to lie to her, but I really do not want to hurt her feelings by telling her she is too much to take anywhere.
You need to make rules. Stick to them. Do things on your time. When YOU have time. See is there are “groups” at her facility that she could attend. Book club, music, cards, puzzles, exercise class, sewing. Anything. Try to get her involved and to make friends there.
Caregiver life is hard. VERY HARD! Mentally and physically. Do not listen to people who say it is your duty because she took care of you when you were little and needed something. Those people have NO clue what it takes to care for someone24/7/365. Or to be at their beckoned call. You literally give up your life.
Just do what you can do for her. If you can’t, tell her it will have to wait, that you are busy and will let her know when you get some free time. After a couple times hopefully she will learn to live with the new rules.
My mother was the most caring person in the world. Always helping people. Cooking meals for sick friends, or, just because she wanted to. That mother is gone. She left about 7 yrs ago. This woman who used to be my mother is now, selfish, always whining that she can’t do anything she use to because of me telling her no (wanting to fly to visit her son 4 states away by herself!!). Complaining all the time. I can’t get her to go to any senior activities.
Well, now that I have gone off on my rant, I feel a little bit better 😂
I truly hope you can set some rules about how much time you spend with her, that it can not be at her calling.
Good Luck. Breathe. Nice deep breath’s. No guilt!!
By the way, this site is a lifesaver when things get real tough. Or for support. For information.
Do not hesitate to use it!
Your mother, as are the LO's of some of the others who have responded, is safe and being cared for in her facility. Outings and time with you are bonuses if they can be arranged but they are not required.
For those who fret that their LO's will be mad at them if they do not get to do what they want to, sometimes people will just have to be mad at you.
Understand and accept the limits of what you are willing and able to do. Don't turn yourself inside out trying to prevent someone from having negative reactions.
Worst advice ever.
Ignore this poster please Mamasmurf, their entire posting history is whinging and making false complaints about nursing homes and ALs.
If this is assisted living, do they have a dining room or recreation room that residents can use? Can she be taken there by a staff or perhaps contact a youth group/girl scouts to take her over. I would think there are activates for seniors in your community- and senior transport if that can be afforded.
Also think of hobbies she can do. Get her photo albums, or craft projects.
Trouble saying no is your area to work on. If you know she is in a safe place, then
allow yourself to have time for your life. Don't answer your phone. Tell her later you were in a dentist appt or an appt where phones were not allowed.