My mother is going to outlive her money this year. She will have to leave her private-pay AL facility. Should I bring her home?

You absolutely should NOT bring her home. It’s not you that should feel guilty but our government. We should have a lot better options for our seniors that are government funded. How much care could we buy for the cost of one stealth bomber? Your mother should also feel ashamed for being such a pain. We as children have to stop destroying ourselves for the sake of these pains in the ass. You are 72 already for god’s sake - enough! I read a statistic that said 70% of the caregivers over 70 DIE FIRST. Also with your stress level you are very likely to get dementia yourself. Your mother has simply lived too long and that is the cause of your problem which is really no one’s fault.

Also there are some AL’s that supposedly have a few beds designated for people who run out of money. Is your mother’s one of those? If Not maybe you could transfer her to one that has some of those rooms now before the money is gone.

Also would you want to be taken care of by a person who can’t wait until your gone so they can get their life back? Considering this are you really the best person to care for her especially 24/7?

I think you've answered your own question.........remember that it's not just about 'you' but about your mother as well. What's best for HER? Living with you is obviously not the right decision for HER sake. She needs to be someplace where she can be cared for by professionals, and where the staff is not emotionally involved with her. I remind myself of this all the time............I would never have mother live with me because it wouldn't work out for EITHER of us. She'd be miserable with nothing to do, nowhere to go, nobody to talk to *due to my DH and I working*, and I'd be miserable because we are oil & water. It's a lose/lose situation for all concerned. Try not to feel 'guilty' but confident, instead, that you are doing the best thing for your MOM! Most of us are not equipped to take care of elderly folks with tons of health and ADL issues. Just bathing alone would be impossible!! Apply for Medicaid, place her in a nursing home, and go visit her as much as possible, bringing her small gifts & food items that she enjoys. IMO, that's the best solution.

Best of luck to you!

Richard, God bless your caring heart. You have tough decision coming up, but it sounds like you're sensible. At age 72 you have your own health to think of too. It sounds like your mom needs 24/7 care and placing her in a NH and keeping a good eye on her treatment there is the best thing for all involved. I'd be proud to have a son who cares as much as you. I will pray for peace for you, and doors of opportunities to open for a good place to care for your mom. God is always with you, lean on Him.

Nothing more to add to the wisdom already expressed. Surrounding you with supportive thoughts

Here's the thing, Richard. You're going to have guilt either way - if putting in an AL or NH, bringing her home and resenting her being there, guilt if she signs a DNR and if she doesn't, etc. etc. It comes with the job. You will always second guess if you did the right thing. I did the very best I could for my mom and that's all I could do.

Prayers are coming your way.

We are at the same point with my husband's grandmother (more like a mom) however we are 43 years old and have her living with us. I can not imagine doing what we are doing at 72!! And Grandma is still (barley) walking. We are also considering a nursing home at this point. This is what people have told me. You ARE taking care of her by putting her into a facility. Once it gets to a certain point, you can only do so much and there is 24 hour care in a facility! Chin up!!

Richard, everything that needs to be said has been. I am just adding my voice of support. You are not a bad son. You tried 2x before, and it will only be worse at this stage. You are doing the right thing for yourself, your marriage, and your mother by placing her in a NH. You will be able to cherish your mother rather than the dark scenario if you tried to take care of her at home.

If she has less than $2000 and no huge assets you can apply for Medicaid to pay what ever is left after they take her social security check. Usually allow her to keep 50 or $60 depending on state you live in. I think you can have a house and a car too. If she’s as much over $2000 buy a car. check with your state first to see what is allowed.

Going through this now, we placed my mom in nursing home in March, knowing by the end of 2018, funds would be depleted. I am not going to try and fool you, it is A LOT of work. Get yourself an eldercare attorney. They know the ins and outs of what you need to do. Unfortunately, we were at the the point of sending in the application and our lawyer suddenly passed away. We have a new lawyer, but I had to start all over again. Do not feel guilty ( I know easier said than done), but you deserve to know your parent is safe, fed & well cared for. You deserve a life too. We all think, oh I will have my turn, this won't last forever, but now my mother in law is having a lot of issues too. So, basically, we don't have a life!! I know it is our parents, but getting them settled and taking the burden of all of the care will make your visits much more enjoyable... Do not focus on the guilt, we all have it, focus on moving forward and taking back your life..... Wish you the best.

You are not a bad son and you should not feel guilty. It's not like your only obligation in this world is to your mother. You have other people to take care of as well. You can take care of your mother by doing your best to get her into the best facility available. That's what she needs. And you will not be placing a burden on the rest of your family by trying to take care of her at home where you are not set up or trained like the professionals in a nursing home.

Hey there. You are close enough to it yourself. Find a safe place and apply for Medicaid if she has no money or assets. Sorry to be rude, but people who are well informed do the "spend-down" years before time for the nursing home need is apparent.

Get beyond the guilt, you and your wife need to enjoy the time you have left. Bless you all.

You are NOT a bad son for realizing that, at age 72, caring for your aging mom is going to be a demanding, life altering, physically difficult challenge that could put your own health at risk. She is already used to the conveniences, care, social interaction and routines provided by a facility, and changing that could also impact her negatively. Definitely apply for Medicaid with the help of an elder care attorney.... if it is approved, you will breathe a sigh of relief because the option will be available. You can always decide against it, but at least it’s available. You never know what will happen in your future with your own health, and planning ahead will make it easier. I’ve learned recently that my 80 yr old father may outlive me, and I’m 50. It’s just the reality and the way things turned out.

I feel your pain having a similar problem with my 93 year old mother. Her funds are rapidly dwindling so we cannot afford to pay for her private nursing care she needs 24/7. I once told her she could live with us if worse came to worst but her disabilities mean I cannot care for her needs.
So my advice is to apply for Medicaid. They have services for people in t his situation and a nursing home makes sense for you. Just visit often and advocate for her so that she gets the best care. You do need to watch out for her, but having her at home may not be best for either you or her.

Apply for Medicaid. Bring her home. Get additional home support from Medicaid. See if you can take a year off and care for her.

There was a time in my life ( when I was young and naive ) I said "I could NEVER put my parents in a nursing home". Time passes and experience and wisdom come ( slowly for me lol). Since losing my dad 2 years ago our goal has been to keep my mom in her home for as long as she can stay safely. I can tell you that if a person needs skilled nursing care then that is the answer that is best in my opinion and I have had to change my naive feelings to be more realistic. I love my mom dearly and when she can no longer stay in her home safely - we will be looking at options that I am sure will include nursing home care. ( she is using a wheelchair most of the time and I keep telling her that the more she does not use her legs the more she will not be able to use them) I know that your mother's care is very important to you and I think that being immobile and incontinent means that the kind of care she needs now, in this stage, is nursing care. The kind of help she might get in the nursing home is mobility, assistance with baths, and possibly make a friend - as many facilities do have a lunch room for meals that can be shared with fellowship. Good luck on your decision.

Don't feel guilty. Apply ASAP - as in you should have already applied.

I understand your guilt, but it is non-productive.
Apply for Medicaid now. Your mom, by nature of the fact that she’s not ambulatory, should qualify. Let the AL know the situation.
At 72, no matter how fit a 72 year-old you are, the physical care of a person who cannot walk and is fecally incontinent could literally kill you (or severely impair you).

No you should not feel guilty for applying for Medicaid for your mother. She does qualify for nursing care as it sounds like incontinence issues alone need professional care. Check the history of the 2 nursing homes in your area and pick the one that'll work best. Go to an elder law attorney who specializes in Medicaid applications, they'll help you apply on your mother's behalf if she has you as her POA. I'm working with one now and they're a Godsend. They took the guesswork out of applying and made things simpler, more manageable and a lot less stressful for me. Pls note their cost to do this was not cheap ($4000) but it included everything needed to ensure my Mom would get Medicaid. Since your Mom can't walk, nursing home care will be greatly beneficial for her overall as she sounds pretty tough for a 92 year old. Wheelchairs will help her regain some mobility and empower her to feel some independence again. Good luck and hope this helps!

No, you are not a "bad son" for not wanting a demanding, self-centered parent living with you. She needs skilled workers that are trained to deal with the stress of her care. I know what it's like to have to deal with someone like that. I would never have been able to deal with mine at home - I have a disability, but even if I didn't I could not have done it; it was difficult enough with mine creating problems at the nursing home. I went to the health care meetings, went to visit as often as I could - or should say as often as mine would allow (there were times I had to stay away for both our sakes); I looked out for her best interests - her right to refuse meds, etc; tried to deal with the staff pressuring her to take psych drugs; it was very difficult. You are 72. Your emotional well being needs to be considered when dealing with your mother. It would be absolutely devastating for you to have to deal with that at home. Putting her in a nursing home does *NOT* make you a bad son.
Praying all works out well for you, whatever your decision.

I think that you already decided when you put your Mom in AL. I would definitely start the Medicaid application (long) process for whatever you decide. You can always change your mind.

Like everyone has said nursing home and Medicaid. I love this site! Such good, supportive information/assistance.

I've thought of this myself only answer I can come up with is looking at facilities in the north west. Idaho Wyoming Montana. Some of them run under 3000.

I am so sorry for your circumstances. If your mother is in need of skilled nursing care, most larger communities have a nursing home for indigent patrons. They will provide the care she needs for whatever government funds that she merits. Placement to a nursing home is much quicker if she is moved directly from a hospital. The facility may not be conviently nearby. In my community they can place a patient in a facility up to 100 miles away, Praying for an open door for you.

You are a husband first and foremost. If mom wants to do it her way then she can not live in your house. Your wife is the mistress of your home, not your mom.

You aren't really thinking it could work, right?

She has needs that should qualify her for NH, tell her doctor that is her only option, you're not in a position to care for her, she needs professional care and you would only be a bad son if you failed to get that for her.

Well, we are exactly here with my mom now; she has all the same issues as Richard's and her apt just flooded out from a broken pipe. I've been in touch with a very nice Christian based NH, who put her on the list, and said they will take her in a crisis - Medicaid pending. Also had her apply for Medicaid 4 months ago, but she was denied. The letter said too much income, and if she goes into a facility, she can reapply; guess that's standard? Too much income is a real joke; she's way below the limit in this state. Anyway, it's all in place, and looks to be happening soon.... poor cat; they won't take him, and that will break mom's heart, but what can you do? We already have 6 indoor cats, and a dog; her cat used to live with us and doesn't like any of them. Other than that and the NH being 60 miles away, the closest with any room, too, it seems the best. Having her here didn't work out for us either, and now she couldn't manage the steps, shower, or anything. I don't feel like a bad daughter, Richard; her doctors wanted to put her in a NH 2 years ago; we said no, and God gave her a village to care for her! Most of us do the best we can; join the club!

No, you are not a bad son if you don't want to bring your mother home. Your mother requires 24 hour care, and can no longer care for herself. She is better off being cared for by shifts of people rather than 1 person constantly, and that is what it will be. Yes, you are a capable 72 year old, but what happens when you can no longer care for her and your own health suffers because of the demands of caring for an elderly parent?
Yes, your mothers handicaps should qualify her for nursing care, she is not independent.
Be kind to yourself and your wife, put her in a nursing home, you owe yourself that.
Arlene Hutcheon

Once again thank you all. Your advice and wisdom gives me confidence to go forward and plan for her move. Everyone has been very supportive. I have not felt really good for months worrying about what would become of my mom. Now in just 2 days there is the kernel of a plan. Lots of work to do and people to contact. A good suggestion that may help others came from the SNF Admissions specialist. She suggested moving Mom about 2 months before money runs out, paying privately. They will apply for Medicaid during that time. She should have a smooth transition without stress. In the mean time (about 8 months) I will arrange to meet Medicaid's requirements. Ample time to do things right.

Nursing homes are better equipped to deal with the aging process ... if she needs help with daily living tasks Medicare will pay for custodial care for her. And she can apply for Medicaid to help.. I personally can’t afdord to quit work and care for a parent who can’t stay by themself in their own home much less in my home by themself nor can I afford to pay someone to watch them when I’m at work...so the nursing home would be my option for mine...

Thank you all! I have started the process. It will be hard but it is what is best all around. Your support was critical. Thanks again.