My mother is goading me into arguments -- I think. Any advice?

Its the Dementia. I was lucky. I dressed Mom and she never said she didn't want that outfit. My Mom and I were close but I would get those comments too. They take it out on the person that is there. I didn't like being "the one" that was the recipient of the paranoia and the looks. But its part of their journey. Remember, her brain is dying. She no longer has any control over what she says or what she does. Just smile and walk away,

JoAnn is right. My mom was the same way. She would make hurtful remarks and then just sit there and wait for me to respond. It took me a while to realize that her years of paranoia, drama and negativity were all concentrated in the hear and now, at me. When I wasn’t there, the aides would tell me that they would help her make her bed.  Five minutes later she decided they’d forced her to use this particular bedspread.  She’d rip it off and throw it out the door. Clothes were the same way. They wound up partially closing her door so her flinging of belongings wouldn’t hurt someone coming down the hallway. 

If Mom argues about a shirt, ask her if she’d like to help you look for the one she wants. She really may not know and may be looking for a shirt she had decades ago. Tell her to find one she likes and you’ll help her put it on. Then redirect. “Gee, Mom. The living room needs dusting.  Could you help me?” 

It is the dementia. Don't argue. "Oh. I must have misunderstood your description. But this would go well with the slacks you picked out. Do you want to wear it anyway, or should I hang it back up?"

Saying "you're right" is probably a good strategy, or even "hmm, you could be right. I'll think about it."

If she makes snotty comments and talks to herself, keep walking and let it roll off your back. (MUCH easier said than done, but a good goal, I think.)

Debbie
Know what you mean. My Father does this. Disagrees with everything and always right. Slowly learning to say Maybe, okay or not sure. Stay neutral. You will feel better than how ou feel after argumemt and disagreeing. Not easy though. My Father is in Care home so bit easier to walk away. Staff say he has settled and always polite bad behaviour is specially for me. Lol. Need to laugh.its the only way

Thank you all for your responses. It really helps to know that others have these experiences and to read your suggestions.

I’m going to suggest you get this quick read written by a psychologist who deals with children of adult parents. In fact he lives in Dallas as does my sister and she saw him last week. The name of the book is Loving Hard to Love Parents by PAUL Chafetz. You will gain insight into your mom's behavior and also how to and how not respond to her. It was a life saver for me. It works! It’s on Amazon.

Thank you Harpcat, I will read that book next. I feel for you Debbye as I have the same problem. It’s very hurtful. This book is totally worth your time. “Understanding The Borderline Mother” by Christine Ann Lawson. It is really helping me to further understand the dysfunctional family. I was able to get the audio at my library. Knowledge is power and it further reinstates my need to stay away from my dysfunctional family. (((hugs)))

My universal solution to this in both large and small situations is to say, "You may be right." Then I move on to simple, practical matters.

Also, "You'll get no argument from me." That let's people know that I am not in it for the adrenalin rush.

I think it stems from their frustration at needing so much help.

jeannegibbs put it all out there very well.

With my Dad, I had to remember how I took "advice" when I was younger and I learned to shrug my shoulders and roll my eyes - a lot.

With my DH, he would ask me to fix something for him to eat, but then he couldn't eat it. At first it hurt - but then I realized that most of the time he wasn't criticizing me - he really just couldn't eat, not that he didn't want it. I turned to TV dinners for his pasta as he was unable to eat more than 1/4 of the cheap Banquet Lasagna but he liked it. At first I threw away whatever was left, then I started dividing it and only making 1/4 at a time, leaving the rest frozen for another day. He loved fried chicken but I had to boil it to make it soft enough for him to eat.

With your mother, it might be clothes, but it all comes down to frustration as things are no longer the way they once were.

I'm guessing she feels the only power she has left, is the power to upset you. Don't give her that power. Try distracting her with another topic, or an object she can look at (a pretty dish towel, etc.).

My 80 year old mother has been doing this for years. Misery loves company. She has always been a very negative person, very critical and controlling. Her mind is clear as a bell, she does not have dementia. But she is in pain mentally and physically and is lashing out at the closest person to her, which is me. I'm thinking maybe your mom is doing the same thing just lashing out at the closest person to her because she is in just dress uncomfortable in pain confused feeling out of control,etc. Yanking your chain gives her a sense of control and purpose.

Debbie, I feel for you. My mom, who is 97, and it good health, has not been diagnosed with dementia but I have been going through all the things you and the other commenters mention, for the last 5 years or more. I live with my mom and it’s so incredibly difficult. I’m not well myself and barely get time to do important stuff for me. When my sister comes, my mom is as sweet as pie to her, same with my brother, and he is the golden child. My sister can barely take one stab from my mother once a week when she visits for 2-3 hours.While I take it over and over and over 24/7. So my sister gets so upset with me when my mom calls her and says I’m acting bad again and mean to her. I have put up with her bad behavior and treatment of me day after day after day and then finally I break and act like a tyrant. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS UNLESS THEY ARE GOING THROUGH IT TOO! My mom stated to loose her hearing about 2 years ago but can still hear. I constantly have to repeat myself and talk loud. I think the hardest thing is that she is always accusing me of taking her stuff and 50% of the time , when she can’t find something, she threatens to call the police. But the thing is, my mom has always been like this, but not as intense as now.
I have so much compassion for ANYONE having to take care of their loved one who is not functioning properly. It’s life changing. And thank you to everyone who shares their experiences on here, it’s comforting to know that we are not alone in the situation and their are others out there that are experiencing the same things. I’ve learned after years and years of emotional blackmail and torture, DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT! Once they get to you , it snowballs and you kill yourself trying to prove them wrong. I myself have always had an extremely close relationship with my mom, so it kills me to have to ignore her and act like  a concerned neighbor( instead of a daughter) and play these games just to be able to communicate with out horrible arguments. God bless you and know that you are not alone.😇❤️

Thanks again to all who have commented -- and for the book suggestion. Ironically, I feel that I have turned a corner with Mom. Now that I realize she is baiting me, it has made it easier for me to deal with it. I dodge and weave and don't rise to the bait. I give her some space and let her grouse around, then make a funny comment or tell her what we're having for dinner. I'm also being extra affectionate (even when I don't feel it!). Those things seem to be working, at least for now. All the suggestions on this board have also helped tremendously. It is truly a journey.

I have this same problem with my 86 yr old mom. I’m walking around with my mouth shut afraid to even speak to her about anything other than “dinner is ready.” Our last issue was a notice from her car insurance company (we didn’t beat her to the mailbox) notifying she no longer had a multi-car discount. And that she didn’t say we could sell my father’s car and now she has to pay more for insurance. (She gave it to my son to get it running again and to sell. She signed the title!) I started telling her what happened again with selling it and she was sure I was wrong. “I did not say he could sell it!” I’m horrible at this diversion thing but did manage to tell her that she shouldn’t worry too much that I’ve got it handled for her. And she laughed. So I’m glad I saw this question and the answers here. 😄

It's an interesting problem - on one hand your mind has a communication demand in your brain from when you were a child, on the other you know that this "person" is not responsible for anything they say. Right now you can't avoid a response that is initiated deep in your mind ("This is my mommy talking to me!"). Perhaps the way to approach this problem is from the standpoint of erasing/overpowering this need in your mind. It might be attacked by treating it as a habit and breaking it.

My mom does the same and is npd but as far as I can tell no dementia. Most of the time we get along, but there are times when she's looking for an argument and guess who is at the receiving end.  So, I walk away. Just like me dad used to do. And I was labeled The Agitator in our family.... well, now I see that it wasn't me, it was Mom. And I hadn't yet learned the walkway routine.

So of course that is how I thought families were, get along much/most of the time but on occasion argued. Imagine my surprise that in my second marriage, my "soulmate" and I NEVER argued in the short 4 years we were married, but then of course, he was badly alcoholic.... of course all of the rest that occurred wasn't ideal, but my eyes opened about there being no need for arguing. So fast forward to my 93-yr old mom, and it's almost like when things are too smooth, OR not her way, she says some snide remark under her breath. Usually when she is brave enough after having an evening Manhattan :). I give up.

You are a very mature and emotionally strong person, be proud of what you are doing for her. However, please also know that as long as you know how to not pick up the gauntlet, and to truly not be one that "holds it in" but releases right away any hurtful feelings you get from her games you can continue to be as such in her presence, or be less in her presence if not at all until she gets "to miss you" enough to start respecting you again. It is when you hold it in that it could turn into a moment of indiscretion that she will defame you with as being her "abusive" child....and you will be shamed by her to everyone in your life. Perhaps, she is getting fed up with being around only you? I am throwing out only a lot of possibilities as I do not know your story. Is what I am saying, or not having a lot of other people to give her that needed audience. I would however be careful as she might not be "out of sorts" but showing her true feelings of resentment and rancor and could be truly baiting you. I knew of a woman who would claim her husband beat her to get attention. I knew of an elderly mother who got everyone she knew to hate her only daughter so that she could "submit" her daughter into becoming so bereft of self esteem that she would move into her mother's home and be her hand maiden till her dying day. Some people have children only for their convenience, or as their caregiver and I have a feeling single people in our age group are groomed as such. Did she ever do anything to sabotage your relationships, for example. Has she never baited you before, or are you just noticing, and waking up to what has always been?

I had a similar challenge with my mom. I don't get to see her often but when I do I make sure to take care of the tasks she can't do anymore. I brought home birdseed that she requested by name and she asked me why I got that one! I asked if there was another brand she bought and she replied that she usually dipped it out of the bin at the hardware store she directed me too. She never told me there was a bin or how much to get. I just got the one I thought would satisfy her. I realized she had a routine and that it was in her mind and she didn't know how to transfer that information to me so the only way she could cope was to criticize what I did do. I have learned to not take it personally. I am reading the book The 36 hour day and that is helping a lot. The fact that she is a different person that I remember is what is getting me by. I just have to learn her new little idiosyncrasies! She has shown me twice how to take the garbage out properly and each time it takes 15 minutes to explain the same task which I already know but if I don't let her show me she gets all upset.

You are doing the right thing. Don’t argue or tell them no they can’t . Better to agree even if it’s a lie. That’s for your own sanity.

Yes, I do. Mom is now in a nursing home (permanently) after a stroke and a failed attempt (by me) to care for her in her residence. Every conversation we have seems to lead directly back to her unwavering belief that she can leave the facility and live on her own. I asked her if she remembers being at home when I was shopping,cooking, portioning her food, doing dishes, etc only to have her call others and claim I left her with "no food" in the house and she was starving. She most definitely remembered having done that and she laughed in my face about it. I think it was basically her way of getting the type of food she wanted at that time, but I was crushed. Yes, I felt she was baiting me. This is just one example.

You know what?

I am not myself at the moment so forgive me in advance. But I have read through the responses and, as so often, they are wise and helpful and useful and based on real experience; and that is brilliant.

But. Even when you have learned to save your sanity and keep caring for your loved one in *spite* of everything she throws at you and you really have a grip on all this...

Handling dementia day in day out is stressful and boring and a PAIN. And who wouldn't rather not?

I just think it's worth acknowledging how very, very much the disease utterly sucks.

My husband has good days and bad. Thankfully, good so far, but there are times that if I say something he doesn't agree with, he comes to blows. So, being loving, thoughtful, supportive, making him feel secure, giving him a voice, when he's not quite himself and loving him all the same, is how I keep myself from feeling hurt and disappointed. I know not to hold onto past hurts and misunderstanding. One can not hold grudges from the past. Good or bad, your there because you love and care, otherwise, you would have someone else taking care of her.
So advise is, don't take anything seriously. You're doing all the right things. Laugh at the ridiculous of the disease itself. Humor works wonders in tough situations. Most important, take god care of yourself! I hope this helps in some way! Hugs!

Just before reading this post and comments, I had to take a Buspar which is the old person's Xanax. We are having a bad day. I understand that this too shall pass. My husband is getting rid of his beloved truck. He wants the grandson to have it. But, said grandson has never driven much on freeways or over mountain roads. So, probably grandson's step-father will drive. Husband thought step-father was taking the truck. So, he got very angry. Looking at it from his point of view I certainly see why. I called daughter to have grandson drive truck out of yard and down the street out of sight. She got upset with me because I called and didn't text. I know that she has family problems of her own, but I hate being scolded over and over. So, I filled said truck with gas, had it washed, purchased some chocolate, a diet Pepsi, took the Buspar, and am starting to feel better and will do my best not to let ANYONE disturb my serenity. Thanks for letting me vent. Daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren are not here yet.
Oh, my mother was a piece of work too. My brother the GOLDEN child who didn't take care of her never did anything wrong, I on the other hand rarely did anything correct. That is probably why my daughter getting on me over and over got to me today.

Sometimes my mother is very argumentative and belligerent to me and her caregiver. The better she knows the person, the worse it is. She doesn't remember she does this the next day. Sometimes there is a shift change and the new person can take over, and I can just retreat to my room...which I know is a huge luxury. It's so frustrating...and it is definitely worse after 3 pm. I haven't found a solution and it's very hard to turn the other cheek. Sometimes I resort to chocolate milk, chocolate chip cookies or a box of sampler type chocolates. I know it sounds absurd, but chocolate can solve a lot of crazy.

Good luck.

The parent you have come to know your whole life suddenly takes 180deg turn and become someone you do not know. It is hard, but knowing more ways on how to deal with it helps and makes it 'easier'. It is never easy, but it certainly helps with all the answers and knowledge given here, knowing that it is not on purpose or deliberate. The best way is to keep being gentle and let her just mumble if she must. Giving them something to do also helps, if they are able. My only hope is that I do not end up with this condition and pass the behaviour onto my children. Stay strong.

My mil complains about everything at 95. This is not who she is/was. She's old and frustrated and has no dementia. My mom is 84 with dementia and lives in a memory care facility and is happy most of the time.

My dad has baited everyone he’s ever had contact with while I’ve been a witness. He thinks it’s funny. His victims don’t. So yes, when someone baits you, you know it.

Dementia and age makes this type of person worse. He made a point of not inviting me to a dinner for mother’s day and his birthday. The thing is, if he’s involved I don’t want to attend. I’ll go see my mom when every jerk in my family of jerks is unaware that I’m even in the area.

My dad is probably a narcissist. He fits the description anyway. Extended family has gotten him a part time caregiver (my first cousins daughter) and I’m glad because I’d hate for him to fall and can’t get up. But I wonder how long it’ll last. Because he’ll do his best to entrap her as a full time unpaid slave. My dad is a piece of work.

I’m thrilled my mom lives in AL now. She’ll stay out of it. But poor girl, she has no idea how hateful he is.

Oh. The way I deal with dad is by discussing important things that are unavoidable and hiding from him 95% of the time.

My mother sends hateful emails to me especially about living in a Retirement Residence she hates. After many falls in her home with stairs, she agreed to live in a Retirement Residence. She hasn’t cooked a meal in years & was living on TV dinners. She didn’t like my sister’s or my cooking & we threw out as much as we brought to her. She has some dementia I think, as she is forgetful but it has not been diagnosed & never will be...she would refuse to cooperate to testing. I now have my mother’s nasty emails going to junk mail as they were upsetting me so much I ended up with a stomach ulcer caused from stress. My mother is a narcissist and has been since I was a child. She’s mean & manipulative. However to others she is usually “sweet”. I visit once a week now. I ignore her vicious emails & hypochondriac complaints...they never stop. A new one every day. She is in a Retirement Residence so that there is always help available if needed...her ambulation is very poor & she has numerous falls. She has an electric wheelchair however. She is Anemic & although testing has indicated she has no bleeds, she refuses to go to meals...despite being told her Anemia is the result of poor nutrition. Sometimes there is just nothing we can do to help people. Despite our wish to be “Fixers” it’s not going to happen. I may sound jaded but after years of watching my mother deteriorate because she refuses to help herself or follow Dr’s orders, I am becoming resigned to the fact that all I can do is insure she is safe. At 88 she lies in a chair all day, refuses to socialize, refuses to go to meals & lives on Boost, refuses to look at life with any view but negativity. After years of trying everything possible to help, I’ve faced reality. She wants to do what she wants to do...so I just accept her fate. Sad but true. Life is to live, but every person has a different view of living.

For Dementia patients, or those near that early stage, argumentative behavior is very common and expected. That's first. Expect it, and feel bad for her, because her mind is likely not what it used to be and it must be frightening.
2nd. change the subject and try to not take it personally. Just like with a child, redirect and move on. you won't win, and only increase your own stress.

Dave

Help4Eachother: You can only do what you can do. It sounds like your mother does not want to live and there is nothing you can do about that. You've put your mother in a safe place. That's all you can do if she refuses any other help. It sounds like you have put up with more than enough in your life. You have a right to your own life.