Yes. Stop expecting your mother to remember what you've told her repeatedly. Dementia prevents her from remembering and you reminding her just reinforces her deficits. She can no longer remember the steps involved in doing tasks and will require help with everything now. Either in home caregivers or Memory Care Assisted Living should be looked into at some point.
In the meanwhile, educate yourself.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (which is a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Here is a list of useful tips for you to use when dealing with your hubby nowadays:
The “Dont's” · Do not reason and argue · Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve · Do not demand that they remember · Do not demand that they get their facts straight · Do not correct their ideas or scold them · Do not reorient them · Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose · Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to · Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care · Do not act with impatience
The "Do's" · Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world' · Be aware of their mood or state of mind · Use few words and simple phrases · OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions · Do everything slowly · Approach from the front · Wait for a slow response · Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK' · Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment · Maximize use of remaining abilities · Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real · Maintain privacy · Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs · Use short words · Use clear and simple sentences · Speak slowly and calmly · Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer · Talk about one thing at a time · Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas · Use common phrases · Always say what you are doing · If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information · Wait patiently for a response · Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words · Speak softly, soothingly and gently
Care Needs · Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive · Reassure with your tone and manner · Do one thing at a time · Talk through the care “play-by- play” · Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance · Be sincere · Use a soft, soothing touch · Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers · Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them · They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression” · If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away You need to change your behaviour to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.
I agree with most of this, but not all of it. Sometimes a person with dementia has to be corrected and even scolded for bad behavior (within reason). I've had dementia clients who would cry and lament that they were starving and no one will give them food. Yet, they had a meal not fifteen minutes before and had eaten so much, they couldn't even finish their plate. You correct that and tell them they've already eaten. I had a client with dementia who was a holocaust survivor. We normally got on very well. Sometimes she would flip out and start crying in Polish. Her daughter told me what she was crying in Polish. Evidently my looks sometimes reminded her of a woman who worked in the camp she was in. Despite my father being Greek and Italian I have light coloring, dark blond hair, and light eyes. I would reorient her right away. As soon as she heard me speaking English and telling her she was in the United States, she'd calm down. You scold (within reason) offensive behavior and language too. Caregivers especially should do this because many times we are alone in the home with a client and have to keep control of a situation.
As an aged person with increasing short term memory problems, and visual problems, I have some insight. Often, I don't see something that is right in front of me. My first thought is not a thought. It is a wave of anxiety and anger that I am losing my mind. And I probably am. The most helpful thing to me is someone putting their arm around me and reassuring me that we can manage it (and in my case, being reminded to put on the overhead light that I didn't need in the past.).The next one is to be helped to arrange things better so I don't have to remember but know where it is and what to do. The list for your Mom and me needs to get shorter.
You have no dementia, only a visual impairment and a normal decline in cognitive functions due to aging. Your learning ability and reasoning are not lost. You have insight and awareness. Most people with dementia aren't aware that they have it, and act as if they were normal, when they are not. Dealing with you is different than dealing with someone with Alzheimer's. I wish that proper care will make things easier for you. You're able to communicate and understand.
Your mom has dementia. This is not going to get better, it will get worse and more frustrating. And she will get more demanding of your time and energy caring for her. Do not try to explain every day tasks. Do not expect her to do every day tasks. (Honestly trying to explain how to do something takes more time than doing it yourself) Hire (mom pays) caregivers that will come in and help you care for her. Look for Adult Day Care so she can get out of the house and socialize with others. It will be a break for her and for you. If you do not think that you can accommodate her needs as she declines it might be time to look for Memory Care for her.
I don't have dementia, but I do have chemo-fog brain from cancer TX 2 years ago. I am not saying this is as bad or worse than dementia, but I think it's similar enough that I have a semblance or understanding and empathy for someone with memory issues.
It's frustrating beyond words (literally)--it makes me a little angry, teary and I feel stupid, b/c I cannot always find the words I want. Plus, I am AWARE of the lacks--and that makes it so much worse.
Mother has 'real' dementia and I find that when I apply the 'listening' techniques to talking to her like I wish others would so for me--both she and I do better. Kindness never goes amiss.
The WORST thing you can do it to minimalize the issue and treat mom like she's stupid--most people are 'aware' of their deficits and being reminded all the time by either ignoring their comments or worse, by ignoring them--it just makes it worse.
My DH teases me a LOT about not being able to string together full sentences. His teasing absolutley makes it worse. If he would be kind, take a deep breath and give me a minute to collect my thoughts, it would make my life a lot nicer.
I'm SURE the same applies to a person with any level of dementia. Just take a minute and LISTEN. When I have been 'dismissed' as it were, I shut down and feel worse.
You're another example of someone who does not have dementia, only some cognitive impairment. Dementia is not just having memory problems. It affects the thought processes, judgement, comprehension, orientation, calculation, emotional affect, mood, abstract thinking and all that a brain requires for a normal functioning. Dealing with you is totally different than dealing with someone with Alzheimer's. Your brain has indeed been damaged by cancer chemotherapy. However, outside some decline in cognitive functions, the rest of the brain still works. Please, don't be afraid that you will develop Alzheimer's. Your brain damage is limited and I hope that chemotherapy is finished. Sometimes, damaged neurons may recover to some degree after the insult stops. I wish that your chemo treatment has given you good results otherwise,
I say this with kindness, you may need some more education on Dementia.
If Mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease or another form of dementia, cognitive decline or problem with her memory, you will need to change your expectations.
If she has dementia, empathy and a kind of generosity that is almost super human will be needed. If you can't do it, no shame, go to plan B immediately because mentioning a puppy in this situation is a little stunning and sad.
If she has dementia, maybe it's not time for a puppy. You have to be honest with the reality of an ever worsening situtation and get her somewhere where she will have people who will give her the care and attention that will only increase as her neediness increases.
If you do intend to see this through - When she hits a wall while doing a task, tell her it's not important, and do that task with her while talking about the park you'll be going to later. Deflect.
She's in a horrible situation. Imagine, you, yourself, alone, sinking deeper in an episode of the Twilight Zone that only becomes more frightening and bizarre and the episode doesn't end. Do you have what it takes to be a magician, a hero, a friend, a protector, her mom?
Caregiving can become a tedious, mind numbing, and most boring job for you and the rest of the "We" in your family when you each l have to kindly and repeatedly explain how to do things. Hopefully it will be done in a creative (good exercise for your minds), noncondescending, sometimes cute, manner.
If she has dementia, 'till the end of her days, no longer will it be about what she needs to understand and know, but rather what she needs to feel. Just like with a baby. Even when she's being petulant. You can flip that. I am often fed up and tired and don't want to go the extra mile but it's what is needed. And then I can decompress and I'm thankful that the shoe is not on the other foot.
As time passes, and her mind degenerates, talking, explanations, and instructions will sound like the adults talking in Charlie Brown cartoons. You know that muffled trombone that goes... Wah wah, wah? Wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah, wah. Words may be understood separately, may be, but not together. Your words used respectfully in loving tones and with little giggles and laughter is the world she'll understand.
I have to say I hate it. I yearn for adult conversation at home and a life of not having to be an overseer of every big and little thing. But I'm learning what I can do and that I'm among an elite group of people in this same boat.
If you ask her to get paper napkins and she can't remember where they are, and have been kept for the last 40 years, you say "boy am I goofy, I forgot where they were myself" Share her experience. Where you can, make her way normal.
If she could she'd be the best she could be and be out of your hair. But now you are going to change too as she does. Lucky for you at least you're going to find out the incredible person you will become.
Stay strong. It's tough but know you set the mood. If you have to let someone else be the caregiver, it's okay, you are still needed and can still be her champion.
Welcome to the world of Dementia. And as said, it does not get better. Your Moms brain is literally dying. As each part of the brain dies, she looses more and more. Right now its probably short-term memory loss. She cannot remember from day to day, hour by hour or minute by minute. So trying to explain over and over just won't do it. She also cannot be reasoned with, she has lost that ability. She can't show empathy. Her mind does not process well anymore. You can't go into long drawn out explanations. She can not follow along. Her brain is trying to figure out the first few words you have said.
When we first had my Mom we would take her out to dinner with us. The first time I noted she was not able to read the menu. So I gave her 3 choices of things I knew she liked. Eventually it was 2 and then I just chose what I knew she liked. They overwhelm easily and do get weepy. Mom forgot how to use her cordless phone and TV remote.
Don't expect much from Mom. The list lealonnie gave u is great. Your mother will not get better. We all are not caregivers and Dementia is the worst because its so unpredictable. And I need predictable. I eventually placed my Mom in an Assisted living and she did well.
If not, get her to a Dr. If she has dementia hey can give her some meds that may help (there is no real good treatment or cure for dementia). However some of the meds are anti anxiety pills, which will help her weepiness.
I have spoken with many Drs (neurologists, psychiatrists and GPs) who all said the same thing to me…”get out of teaching mode”. You can’t teach someone w/dementia anything (again, get a Drs diagnosis so you know what you are dealing with). Dementia messes up the brain in ways you’ve never dreamed of. People always think just “memories”, and yeah they don’t remember stuff, long and short term are both problems, which is why you shouldn’t bother “teaching.” But dementia also messes with the ability to think straight, to be logical, to solve problems, to be rational. Dementia messes with every part of the brain. It’s cruel when the person is in early stages and they know something’s not right. It’s gets cruel for the family/friends when it advances, but at least then the patient isn’t aware of their problem (most of the time).
My husband was an attorney. He had his diagnosis of Alzheimer’s two yrs ago. He is still fairly self sufficient, but can no longer balance the checkbook, pay bills, drive, have any sort of meaningful conversation with anyone about anything. He showers ok, dresses himself, feeds himself, but I need to help choose his clothes (or he’d have everything off hangers and on the floor because he can’t decide). I prepare all meals or he’d put the frozen veg in the pantry, rather than back in the freezer. He forgets what he likes to eat. He forgets that he likes cream and sugar in his coffee. Sometimes it’s silly stuff like that.
Some people say it’s day to day. What I’ve noticed is, it’s moment to moment. I never can predict when he’ll understand something or when something will confuse him. It’s very “smoke and mirrors”.
Try not to get mad or scold. Much easier said then done I know. But he out of teaching mode…it will only frustrate you.
You got a very accurate description of someone with dementia. That's better than pasting articles written by "experts". If they were real experts, they would have won the Nobel Prize already. Dementia is still an unknown field in which nobody has found a final answer. The only fact than applies to must cases, it that there no tricks or strategies that will penetrate a broken brain. Some people in the forum are more interested in given politically correct advice rather than telling the truth, They spread false hopes and want caregiver to believe in fantasy. I think that out of respect for those sacrificed caregivers, they should be told the truth, not only what is nice to hear.
Don't explain, and especially don't explain over and over (torment!).
What you do is prompt, step by step, and allow plenty of time. What sort of task is she finding difficult? - we could try a worked exercise in breaking it down into its component steps.
Teepa Snow has many excellent video tutorials on YouTube that will help educate you about dementia, what it is, how it creates the changes in your LO and how to better engage with someone with dementia for more productive and peaceful interactions.
In this thread it was mentioned that "scolding" is a sometimes useful tool. It is not, it is cruel. Scolding assumes that someone is able to learn from the past. But someone with dementia is actively losing memory of the recent past and any ability to "learn" anything going forward. You can scold children because they are able to learn and apply the learning to a future behavior. This is not possible with dementia. Please DO NOT SCOLD someone with dementia. Distraction and redirection can work.
In the meanwhile, educate yourself.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (which is a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Here is a list of useful tips for you to use when dealing with your hubby nowadays:
The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience
The "Do's"
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment
Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently
Care Needs
· Recognize that receiving personal care feels intrusive
· Reassure with your tone and manner
· Do one thing at a time
· Talk through the care “play-by- play”
· Be aware of your body language and use it to communicate relaxation and reassurance
· Be sincere
· Use a soft, soothing touch
· Be aware of the individual’s unique triggers
· Be aware that a person with dementia may not accurately judge whether a situation is threatening to them
· They may respond to fear, pain or anxiety by defending themselves with what we call “aggression”
· If they become distressed, stop immediately and allow them time to calm down – don’t try to restart the activity right away
You need to change your behaviour to adapt to the dementia because the person with the disease cannot.
Wishing you the best of luck.
I've had dementia clients who would cry and lament that they were starving and no one will give them food. Yet, they had a meal not fifteen minutes before and had eaten so much, they couldn't even finish their plate. You correct that and tell them they've already eaten.
I had a client with dementia who was a holocaust survivor. We normally got on very well. Sometimes she would flip out and start crying in Polish. Her daughter told me what she was crying in Polish. Evidently my looks sometimes reminded her of a woman who worked in the camp she was in. Despite my father being Greek and Italian I have light coloring, dark blond hair, and light eyes. I would reorient her right away. As soon as she heard me speaking English and telling her she was in the United States, she'd calm down.
You scold (within reason) offensive behavior and language too. Caregivers especially should do this because many times we are alone in the home with a client and have to keep control of a situation.
This is not going to get better, it will get worse and more frustrating. And she will get more demanding of your time and energy caring for her.
Do not try to explain every day tasks.
Do not expect her to do every day tasks.
(Honestly trying to explain how to do something takes more time than doing it yourself)
Hire (mom pays) caregivers that will come in and help you care for her.
Look for Adult Day Care so she can get out of the house and socialize with others. It will be a break for her and for you.
If you do not think that you can accommodate her needs as she declines it might be time to look for Memory Care for her.
It's frustrating beyond words (literally)--it makes me a little angry, teary and I feel stupid, b/c I cannot always find the words I want. Plus, I am AWARE of the lacks--and that makes it so much worse.
Mother has 'real' dementia and I find that when I apply the 'listening' techniques to talking to her like I wish others would so for me--both she and I do better.
Kindness never goes amiss.
The WORST thing you can do it to minimalize the issue and treat mom like she's stupid--most people are 'aware' of their deficits and being reminded all the time by either ignoring their comments or worse, by ignoring them--it just makes it worse.
My DH teases me a LOT about not being able to string together full sentences. His teasing absolutley makes it worse. If he would be kind, take a deep breath and give me a minute to collect my thoughts, it would make my life a lot nicer.
I'm SURE the same applies to a person with any level of dementia. Just take a minute and LISTEN. When I have been 'dismissed' as it were, I shut down and feel worse.
If Mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease or another form of dementia, cognitive decline or problem with her memory, you will need to change your expectations.
If she has dementia, maybe it's not time for a puppy. You have to be honest with the reality of an ever worsening situtation and get her somewhere where she will have people who will give her the care and attention that will only increase as her neediness increases.
If you do intend to see this through - When she hits a wall while doing a task, tell her it's not important, and do that task with her while talking about the park you'll be going to later. Deflect.
She's in a horrible situation. Imagine, you, yourself, alone, sinking deeper in an episode of the Twilight Zone that only becomes more frightening and bizarre and the episode doesn't end. Do you have what it takes to be a magician, a hero, a friend, a protector, her mom?
Caregiving can become a tedious, mind numbing, and most boring job for you and the rest of the "We" in your family when you each l have to kindly and repeatedly explain how to do things. Hopefully it will be done in a creative (good exercise for your minds), noncondescending, sometimes cute, manner.
If she has dementia, 'till the end of her days, no longer will it be about what she needs to understand and know, but rather what she needs to feel. Just like with a baby. Even when she's being petulant. You can flip that. I am often fed up and tired and don't want to go the extra mile but it's what is needed. And then I can decompress and I'm thankful that the shoe is not on the other foot.
As time passes, and her mind degenerates, talking, explanations, and instructions will sound like the adults talking in Charlie Brown cartoons. You know that muffled trombone that goes... Wah wah, wah? Wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah, wah. Words may be understood separately, may be, but not together. Your words used respectfully in loving tones and with little giggles and laughter is the world she'll understand.
I have to say I hate it. I yearn for adult conversation at home and a life of not having to be an overseer of every big and little thing. But I'm learning what I can do and that I'm among an elite group of people in this same boat.
If you ask her to get paper napkins and she can't remember where they are, and have been kept for the last 40 years, you say "boy am I goofy, I forgot where they were myself" Share her experience. Where you can, make her way normal.
If she could she'd be the best she could be and be out of your hair. But now you are going to change too as she does. Lucky for you at least you're going to find out the incredible person you will become.
Stay strong. It's tough but know you set the mood. If you have to let someone else be the caregiver, it's okay, you are still needed and can still be her champion.
When we first had my Mom we would take her out to dinner with us. The first time I noted she was not able to read the menu. So I gave her 3 choices of things I knew she liked. Eventually it was 2 and then I just chose what I knew she liked. They overwhelm easily and do get weepy. Mom forgot how to use her cordless phone and TV remote.
Don't expect much from Mom. The list lealonnie gave u is great. Your mother will not get better. We all are not caregivers and Dementia is the worst because its so unpredictable. And I need predictable. I eventually placed my Mom in an Assisted living and she did well.
If not, get her to a Dr. If she has dementia hey can give her some meds that may help (there is no real good treatment or cure for dementia). However some of the meds are anti anxiety pills, which will help her weepiness.
I have spoken with many Drs (neurologists, psychiatrists and GPs) who all said the same thing to me…”get out of teaching mode”. You can’t teach someone w/dementia anything (again, get a Drs diagnosis so you know what you are dealing with). Dementia messes up the brain in ways you’ve never dreamed of. People always think just “memories”, and yeah they don’t remember stuff, long and short term are both problems, which is why you shouldn’t bother “teaching.” But dementia also messes with the ability to think straight, to be logical, to solve problems, to be rational. Dementia messes with every part of the brain. It’s cruel when the person is in early stages and they know something’s not right. It’s gets cruel for the family/friends when it advances, but at least then the patient isn’t aware of their problem (most of the time).
My husband was an attorney. He had his diagnosis of Alzheimer’s two yrs ago. He is still fairly self sufficient, but can no longer balance the checkbook, pay bills, drive, have any sort of meaningful conversation with anyone about anything. He showers ok, dresses himself, feeds himself, but I need to help choose his clothes (or he’d have everything off hangers and on the floor because he can’t decide). I prepare all meals or he’d put the frozen veg in the pantry, rather than back in the freezer. He forgets what he likes to eat. He forgets that he likes cream and sugar in his coffee. Sometimes it’s silly stuff like that.
Some people say it’s day to day. What I’ve noticed is, it’s moment to moment. I never can predict when he’ll understand something or when something will confuse him. It’s very “smoke and mirrors”.
Try not to get mad or scold. Much easier said then done I know. But he out of teaching mode…it will only frustrate you.
What you do is prompt, step by step, and allow plenty of time. What sort of task is she finding difficult? - we could try a worked exercise in breaking it down into its component steps.
In this thread it was mentioned that "scolding" is a sometimes useful tool. It is not, it is cruel. Scolding assumes that someone is able to learn from the past. But someone with dementia is actively losing memory of the recent past and any ability to "learn" anything going forward. You can scold children because they are able to learn and apply the learning to a future behavior. This is not possible with dementia. Please DO NOT SCOLD someone with dementia. Distraction and redirection can work.
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