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I think we hit another stage of dementia lately. My mother is almost 97 is getting so much more hostile with me.



We live together, she has no money other than SS and she makes too much for medicaid or financial assistance. She is back to accusing me of stealing from her. There is nothing to steal.



She says that I lock her up in her room which is a mother in a law apartment..and she isn't locked up. She literally come out whenever she wants but now she "sneaks"around. What she does is constantly ask Alexa to check the cameras and when she see I am gone she will come out of her room go through my side table in the living room (for things I took). She thinks I am holding mail back even though it is on the counter so she goes and checks the mailbox but instead of coming through the front door she walks through the ditch and comes in the backyard gate and goes in her room that way.



Well, we thought she did that yesterday but turns out she went and visited a neighbor or something because she was gone for 30 min and actually came in the front door. She isn't social so this isn't normal.



When I asked where she went so we (me and my daughter) would know if anything happened she flipped out and accused me having control issues and she can do whatever she wants.



She is in denial of having dementia and is a show timers expert. Her behavior started changing about 5 years ago and now it seems she slipping down that rabbit hole. I don't take anything she says to heart, I know it isn't her fault.



I literally don't know what me and my daughter will do this summer when business picks up and we both have to work. She can't be left home alone for a bunch of reasons. She won't accept a care taker because according to her nothing is wrong and she is a hoarder so no one can see her apartment.



Oh and I have been trying to get a POA for the last 3 years and she refuses.



Thanks for the vent...she is mentally draining me like no other.....

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It's your house. Get a caregiver to "keep an eye on your house" rather than on her. I'll bet there are caregivers who are well-versed in dealing with neurotic/demented patients who can spin a good story as to why they're there.

She doesn't get a say as to whether you bring in a someone to care for your home, and for all you know, they might strike up a friendship.
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You say she doesn't qualitfy for Medicaid, but I suspect that isn't true.

Is she just saying "I don't qualify" and you believe it?

IF she doesn't qualify for Medicaid, then she would qualify for some kind of Medicare, wouldn't she?

You're not PoA and she won't give it to you. If she refuses to at least allow you some 'control' (and that's not the best word to use)--then she needs to live elsewhere.

I would def pay for a consult with an ElderCare atty and find out EXACTLY what your options are.

Since she has a separate MIL apartment, I would change the locks on my house, and make it completely impossible for her to come to your part of the house.

For 97, she's a pretty slippery character!
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kolea123 Feb 2023
She is very slippery and I know she doesn't qualify because I have been handling her finances for 15 years. Last year they see what she qualified for she was just over the amount to qualify for medicaid.

I have thought about the lock thing but not to long ago she almost had a fire in there and her apartment is connected to the house.

She is on medicare and has been on it for years but they don't pay for assisted living or any other kind of help. I just put in a call for medicare long term care..there is a 3 month wait list for a call back.. Also we are both on the deed for the house so I don't know how that will work in the long run.
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I just went back and looked at your other answers.

You are using her SS to pay her CC debt.

Not the right thing to do. That's unsecured debt. It makes NO difference what her credit rating is if she's is old and infirm. Any Elder Law attorney will tell you that.

You let the CC debt go to collections. So what?

I really think you need to make an appointment with an Elder Law attorney. What you think you know is hurting you.
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kolea123 Feb 2023
the one time she didn't pay they put a lien against the house.. both are names on it.
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Talk to an elder care attorney ASAP. This can't keep going and there may be Medicaid loopholes the average person would not know about.

If anything, do not use your money to pay any of her bills. You don't want to be in old age and broke, or relying on your own kid, to survive.

She can pitch a fit all she wants about a sitter while you're at work. Let her hide in her room and pout. She will accept a sitter or you will have no choice but to get her into memory care. It's up to her, and "none" is not an option.
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Keep trying for Medicaid. Geeeez, this situation is awful for you! Ideally, she should be in a facility.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her being alone, especially since you said that she almost caught something on fire.

If you have work to tend to. Please hire someone to sit. As far as her not accepting it, how can she object to it? It’s your home. It’s your decision, not hers.

Caregivers know how to handle these issues. My husband’s paternal grandfather did not want a caregiver.

My in-laws hired a caregiver anyway. He got angry and would fire her every single day. She was a great caregiver and took care of all his needs.

My in-laws instructed the caregiver to ignore that he fired her on a daily basis. That’s precisely what she did. What could he do? He was a very frail old man and couldn’t physically throw her out.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Kolea, does Mom own the house or do you?

There is no recovery if you own the home.

I think you would greatly benefit from talking to a certified Elder Law attorney.
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kolea123 Feb 2023
we are both on it so there we be recovery.
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So, there will be a lien placed that doesn't need to be satisfied until you sell.
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Will you be able to work this summer if you are on disability? Can you still get disabiilty, then? Or is the pay under the table?

Amazing that you have lived with her for 20 years. None of your siblings will ever take her out or watch her while you go out? Why not? Are they mad because you are on the deed to the house with her?

Are you resistant to consulting an elder care attorney?
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I agree. You have to sit down with an elder attorney. Medicare and Medicaid are two different things. Medicare is for healthcare and temporary care like Rehab. It does not pay for Long-term care.

For Medicaid there is an asset cap that has to be met. Then there is an income cap. In my State its $2523. You need to find out what that income cap is in ur State. I know one OPs was very low but I was told its how that State factors in different things and comes to a total.

There is Medicaid for health, in home and LTC. Each has its own criteria.
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Call your county office of aged and disabilities. They may have insight for you. Could be worth the phone call…..I found my county office to be very helpful. They were going to make the application for Medicaid for my mom, My mom passed 2 days before our appointment.
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