My mother is caregiver to my grandmother and I now HATE my grandmother.

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My mom is caregiver to her mom (my grandmother) and I have come to hate my grandmother with a boiling passion even to the point where I hate referring to her as my grandmother). My mom tries very hard to make time for me but her mother is always interfering and causing some sort of problem. I am getting married this year, my mom has hardly been able to help because of her mother- my mother has come to a couple appointments but it caused such a headache cause her mother needed something at these exact same times. I am exhausted over fighting for my mom's time. I feel like I am competing with my mom's mom for my moms time and attention. My mom and I use to be super close, but I am to the point where I just do not even want to put any effort into our mother/daughter relationship. My mom knows how I feel and she gets upset as she is just trying to make her mother happy. I have been very vocal about hating her mother. I want to give up on trying to have a relationship w my mom and maybe after her mom dies, she will have time for me. I am heartbroken.

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My grandmother did not have dementia or other major health problems well into her late 80’s. She had 5 daughters. Weddings for her granddaughters were something she had no interest in hearing about. She thought we should get married at city hall with no celebration. She did everything in her power to keep her daughters from helping their daughters with wedding plans. Everything was about her. My mother’s family was a dysfunctional mess and weddings were a real disaster. My grandmother made a scene at every one of her granddaughters weddings. In the end she was not a much loved grandmother. At best she was barely tolerated.
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Reply to anonymous439773
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I'm reading dysfunction in here. If mom & daughter plan something, then mom can't go because grandma all of a sudden needs mom and mom drops everything to rush to grandma's side.

I hope you are already in pre-marital counseling (if you are not, there's no time like the present, and it's really useful). Ask your counselor to make a reccommendation of who you can go see to have some "joint therapy time" for you and your mom. Make an appointment with that person for the two of you, and THEN tell your mom when it is and that she needs to be there. If she won't go, well, there's your answer on her. You should go anyway because you can talk about strategies to use to deal with - not overcome, not understand and make allowances for - but deal with your mom's lack of boundaries with her elderly manipulative mthr.

Therapy helped me deal with mthr, and it also helped me in my relationship with my dear hubby. If you come out of a family where prioritizing is a problem, like it is for your mom, you need some work to learn new patterns. The first book my therapist had me read is called Boundaries by Townsend & Cloud. It's cheap on Amazon, Walmart, or Kroger for that matter, and an excellent resource. Best Wishes!!
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Reply to surprise
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Why dont you just help pay for a nurses aid to watch grandma while you and mom spend time
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Reply to baskethill1
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A lot of brides to be plan their own weddings including my daughter. Do you just need her opinion? Her priorities should come first. If you already have a budget then good for you. If you expect her to give you a shower which is something your friends should do, or expect her to choose your flowers, decorations, invitations etc, then those choices are actually the bride and grooms
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Reply to MACinCT
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Are you saying that your mother has difficulty putting boundaries in place and saying no to grandma?

Does mom need help in learning to say no to people?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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There is another angle on this situation. What caught my attention is "she gets upset because she's just trying to make her happy". It's possible that this is one of those situations people post about on the dysfunctional family thread. The ones where the mother is expecting her daughter to do everything needed to make her happy and keep her life as it once was. It's possible that this young lady's mother is in constant reactive mode, caring for a self absorbed mother who needs to be the center of attention. If so, then the young lady has reason to be upset, as her mother needs to find a balance in her relationships rather than allowing her mother to dictate the dance.
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Reply to Linda22
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Is your grandmother abusive? If theirs is an abusive, dysfunctional relationship, then I understand where you're coming from about being frustrated and angry about the dysfunction and wishing things could be more "normal". Hubs and I renewed our vows 6 years ago and my mom didn't come because she and my grandmother were fighting. My grandmother is a very narcissistic and hateful person.

I don't know if that is the case with you, but it sounds like you are very angry with both your mom and your grandmother. Please try to remember that in your mom's case, and especially if your grandmother is abusive, she is probably severely stressed out trying to take care of her mom.

Sometimes we get into these situations taking care of dysfunctional elderly parents that are very demanding. It sounds like your mom needs your love and support right now, and I'm sure she loves you very much, she is probably just TIRED with a capital T. I myself felt like I was neglecting my kids taking care of my mom when she was living here with us because I was so tired and worn out.

I agree that a therapist could help you work through your feelings about all of this. Mine has been a lifesaver for me, especially with my crazy family.
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Reply to FrazzledMama
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You don't say what is wrong with Grandmom. If Dementia then Gma can't help her actions. Does Mom take Gma to these appts. If so, maybe Mom could find someone to sit with grandma. Caregiving is hard. Its tiring trying to keep the person happy.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Dear Jenna,

I'm sure you love your mom and only want to spend more time with her. I had friends that couldn't understand why I was giving all my time to my family to my own mother and father. I think you grandmother is lucky to have such a devoted and loving daughter.

It is hard to reach your 80s and 90s its a very vulnerable time. And grandparents do need their adult children for help. But I can see how it can also be overwhelming and cause family resentments. Maybe there is more to this story and we are not sure why you feel the way you do about your grandmother. I wonder if you feel like you grandmother did something to your mother and somehow doesn't deserve her care.

I would strongly suggest you talk to your mother and see what supports she can access from the community and from church. She sounds like she might be reaching the burn out phase. Maybe consider family therapy or talking to social worker.

Anger and resentment is a symptom of a bigger issue. We all have the right to be angry but also its important to get to the bottom of our feelings. I truly hope you will talk honestly with your mom. And hopefully be able to offer your mom some love and compassion for her situation.
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Reply to cdnreader
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Honey, jealously is very unbecoming. You are putting your mother in an awful position by making her chose between her mother and you. You sound like a spoiled little girl who is stomping her feet and screaming “pay attention to ME, NOT HER!!!” Can you imagine, for one second the awful position you’re putting your mother in? Caregiving isn’t easy and you’re making it more difficult. It doesn’t sound like Mom has asked you to help and I’m certain you haven’t offered. Your poor mom. Don’t you think your mom is upset that she can’t spend more time helping you plan your wedding?

Speaking of which, you are about to become a married woman. Your first priority should be your new husband. Making a marriage work takes maturity and dedication from both people. Some posters on this board are caregiving for their in-laws. What would you do if your husband was charged with caring for one of his relatives?

Cut your mother some slack. Stop upsetting her by demanding her attention. There’s only one of her. Be a little compassionate. J
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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