If this is a new behavior, then you need to have your Mom checked for a UTI as changes in mental status is a sign of UTIs in the elderly--more than complaints of "burning with urination".
My Grandmother was constantly accusing my Dad and Mom of stealing items from her farm house. She would write “DO NOT TAKE” or “DO NOT STEAL” on the envelopes of letters from her insurance company, etc. and then tape the envelopes on the wall in her dining room and living room. Grandma also accused Dad of stealing: her medications (Dad found them under the kitchen sink), her dentures (Dad found them hidden on the leg support of the trestle dining room table—she had to crawl under the table to put the dentures there), and one shoe from several pairs of shoes thus preventing her from walking outside.
I like what the information on the website https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/suspicions-delusions in regards to how you should respond when accused of stealing:
Don't take offense. Listen to what is troubling the person, and try to understand that reality. Then be reassuring, and let the person know you care.
Don't argue or try to convince. Allow the individual to express ideas. Acknowledge his or her opinions.
Offer a simple answer. Share your thoughts with the individual, but keep it simple. Don't overwhelm the person with lengthy explanations or reasons.
Switch the focus to another activity. Engage the individual in an activity, or ask for help with a chore.
Duplicate any lost items. If the person is often searching for a specific item, have several available. For example, if the individual is always looking for his or her wallet, purchase two of the same kind.
And I will add: Keep a journal of your activities and interactions with your Mom. That way you have a reference as to your Mom’s previous accusations and can show this information to other people (doctors, nurses, attorneys, etc.) as proof of your Mom’s impaired mental status and how you coped with her accusations.
Try to keep a humorous outlook with the accusations as this problem is not going away, it might only get worse.
I never thought of UTI issues. I really appreciate your kindness. I have more time with my mother now that I retired at an early age to take care of her. Indeed the problem is not going away. I will try to keep a humorous outlook with the accusations since the problem is not going away. My mother is now sharing her accusations with her bank, church and neighbors.
If she has dementia this is common. She forgets where something is so she thinks someone took it, stole it, moved it... You can not argue with her about this. An argument with a person with dementia is futile and will just lead to frustration.
Just say..oops Mom we moved...(whatever it is)..to another room we will get it later. Or Mom I cleaned and put ..XXX)...on your dresser. Or ..make something else up. It will not matter Once you tell her the item has been moved redirect her to another topic. If it is glasses..get extra if you can If it is purses get a few extra from the resale shops stuff them withe things she would have in her purse. But often redirection is the best way to deal with this
have her get checked for a uti... also, have her primary help out with a good medication routine. at this point, a good chemical balance is needed amd important. imagine her frustration and fear of that. I know, the disease is tough!
OMG, yesterday my mother started on me again and I just walked away. I cried in my room and just locked my door. Although the accusations are not true the pain it caused was overwhelming. To think I would let my husband hurt my mother is in sane.
That's frustrating. It seems like this is pretty common, as far as blaming others for their failings. Perhaps you and your husband can see it as part of her decline and not a personal attack and find a way to deal with it without getting upset.
My mom blames for numerous things. I didn't talk loud enough, that's why she can't hear me (though no one else has trouble hearing me). I help with her bills which is why she can't remember that they've been paid (though I tell her and it's in her check register). Yes, it's annoying but I do my best to bury my feelings about it and not take it to heart.
My Grandmother was constantly accusing my Dad and Mom of stealing items from her farm house. She would write “DO NOT TAKE” or “DO NOT STEAL” on the envelopes of letters from her insurance company, etc. and then tape the envelopes on the wall in her dining room and living room. Grandma also accused Dad of stealing: her medications (Dad found them under the kitchen sink), her dentures (Dad found them hidden on the leg support of the trestle dining room table—she had to crawl under the table to put the dentures there), and one shoe from several pairs of shoes thus preventing her from walking outside.
I like what the information on the website https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/suspicions-delusions in regards to how you should respond when accused of stealing:
Don't take offense. Listen to what is troubling the person, and try to understand that reality. Then be reassuring, and let the person know you care.
Don't argue or try to convince. Allow the individual to express ideas. Acknowledge his or her opinions.
Offer a simple answer. Share your thoughts with the individual, but keep it simple. Don't overwhelm the person with lengthy explanations or reasons.
Switch the focus to another activity. Engage the individual in an activity, or ask for help with a chore.
Duplicate any lost items. If the person is often searching for a specific item, have several available. For example, if the individual is always looking for his or her wallet, purchase two of the same kind.
And I will add: Keep a journal of your activities and interactions with your Mom. That way you have a reference as to your Mom’s previous accusations and can show this information to other people (doctors, nurses, attorneys, etc.) as proof of your Mom’s impaired mental status and how you coped with her accusations.
Try to keep a humorous outlook with the accusations as this problem is not going away, it might only get worse.
I never thought of UTI issues. I really appreciate your kindness. I have more time with my mother now that I retired at an early age to take care of her. Indeed the problem is not going away. I will try to keep a humorous outlook with the accusations since the problem is not going away. My mother is now sharing her accusations with her bank, church and neighbors.
You can not argue with her about this.
An argument with a person with dementia is futile and will just lead to frustration.
Just say..oops Mom we moved...(whatever it is)..to another room we will get it later.
Or
Mom I cleaned and put ..XXX)...on your dresser.
Or ..make something else up. It will not matter
Once you tell her the item has been moved redirect her to another topic.
If it is glasses..get extra if you can
If it is purses get a few extra from the resale shops stuff them withe things she would have in her purse.
But often redirection is the best way to deal with this
Thank you, that is a great idea. Please keep them coming. What do you do when they make up prefabrication's.
OMG, yesterday my mother started on me again and I just walked away. I cried in my room and just locked my door. Although the accusations are not true the pain it caused was overwhelming. To think I would let my husband hurt my mother is in sane.
My mom blames for numerous things. I didn't talk loud enough, that's why she can't hear me (though no one else has trouble hearing me). I help with her bills which is why she can't remember that they've been paid (though I tell her and it's in her check register). Yes, it's annoying but I do my best to bury my feelings about it and not take it to heart.