Hello, tonight my senior mother who recently turned 80 years old--but still lives alone and is somewhat independent--was told by her doctor that she will be receiving hip surgery in February. While we knew that this day would be coming, I asked her to ask the doctor if doing the surgery in the middle of the winter will be the best thing to do with snow and ice most likely being on the ground. This is among other things like my working and going to school and it would work better, especially because my FMLA coverage would increase on the anniversary of my job start date in May. So these two reasons are why I think she should get the surgery done when the weather is better and when my coverage kicks in so I can be off if I need to. She said she will be receiving help other than me, but I still want to be realistic and prepared. What's perplexing is she keeps saying that this is not about me. While I know she has narcissistic tendencies, it still puzzles me how she can keep saying that. I have been there for her over the years even though she is hard to talk to all of the time. With my other two sisters: one lives out of town and likes to be on the go a lot (also with narcissistic tendencies that doesn't help because she jumps and accuses without talking things out like my mother) and the other lives right here in town and never, ever comes around. I've been there for her and my grandmother (my deceased father's stepmother) for most of the holidays and regular days but I am not always there because of my own life and frankly because of my mother being hard to get along with. Yet I can say I have done things to try to make them happy, even though I receive a lot of negative comments, especially from my mother. She can be very competitive even with her own children. So now, I was even considering taking off a semester from school along with using the FMLA with the work leave, but with her keeping on saying this is not about me and being derogatory instead of discussing the issue at hand, I don't know if I want to even do that, specifically with school. For one, I'm currently an A student and two, I'm already 52 years old and obviously don't have the time to stop going, where I'm picking back up to finish my B.A. degree after years of being away. I'm even thinking about her in doing that because then I will be getting paid well and it can help with her finances. So the question is what do I do about her upcoming surgery and just her in general? To point out, I don't expect her to do it my way as she puts it. I told her I just want her to think things through in considering everything and the best possible course of action. Thanks for any advice; I have been reading the stories here and I love this site that gives great online support.
I think what you can do about her in general is get on with your life. Do what you need to do for your own reasons. You are working toward a higher salary so that you can help her with her finances? What? You don't expect to be retired someday yourself? You are certain you won't have expensive illnesses yourself in the future? What does she need financial help with?
I think you can allow and encourage your mother to maintain her independence as long as she possibly can.
Most people who schedule a hip replacement are in considerable pain, or have severe mobility issues, or both. Now Mom has an opportunity to feel better and move better, starting in a few weeks. But you suggest she should put that off for a few months. While you certainly mean well, you can surely see that this might not be perceived as being in her best interest.
Let her make her own decisions, support her in them, and keep doing what is good for you.
Does she understand how hard this surgery is? Also, the rehab is strenuous and she’s 80 years old? My mom was refused hip surgery because it’s too dangerous after a certain age. But sometimes we just have to let people make their own decisions.
Let's pick apart your post;
"Tonight.....she was told by her doctor that she'll be receiving hip surgery in February."
Did she complain about that? No, it sounds like she agreed with it. Why?
Often times, when a person needs hip surgery (replacement), they're in a lot of pain. I'm sure she's tired of pain and doesn't care what the weather conditions are.
"She said she will be receiving help other than me."
That means she's not DEPENDING on only you to help her. Take her cue and be available but don't rearrange your schedule. Do NOT leave school for a semester. Doing that puts you at risk for not returning to school.
"What's perplexing is that she keeps saying that this is not about me."
Nope, it's not. It's her surgery, her recovery and her hip. If she has made other care arrangements and you keep wanting to interject, do you see why she may think that way?
Since she doesn't have dementia, I'm sure she feels FULLY capable to handle this whole situation. It doesn't sound like YOU think she can. By your suggesting and pushing, she could feel like you think she's not capable of arranging her convalescence.
"I'm not always there because of my own life and frankly that my mother is hard to get along with."
I'm sure she realizes how her personality has affected her children. One (like her) is too busy to visit, the other never visits and you who sounds like you'd rather not due to her difficult personality. Do ya think that she would want you there 24/7 if she feels your vibes about not really wanting to be there?
I know what I'm talking about. My son and I don't get along. I would NEVER want him to take time off work and school to care for me! We'd be at each others throats within hours.
"...I receive a lot of negative comments, especially from my mother. She can be very competitive even with her own children."
If Mom is in competition with you and says nasty things to you, are you putting ALL this time and energy out to win her favor and make her like you?
Sweetie, take the lead from your mom and back off. No matter how "good" you are you can't win someone's love that way. You are pushing against one side of the door and she is pushing against the other. Give up. It's hard to realize we aren't treated the way we want or wanted to be, but focus on the other POSITIVE things in your life and keep on going.
Well a lot has happened since I last posted my response. By the way, speaking of my last post please forgive all of the typos as I was having trouble posting it and didn't even know it went through. But I do thank everyone for very good advice. Some things are doable, such as if she wants to do this surgery now during the winter time then that is her choice. I let her know this by saying I didn't want to cramp her style and she should do what she feels she needs to do. My thing with that is that I've seen for a few times over the years where I had to see her face busted up and one time her teeth as well. There would be a screaming match for her to get checked out and to take precautions but she would just yell to leave her alone. In the meantime, my sisters nor anyone else had to deal with it, it has just been me. So I hope you can see where I would be concerned that she would be rehabbing while there's ice and snow on the ground because she is not the type to stay still until something happens. Which actually brings me to the unfortunate situation that has currently happened where she is in the hospital as I type this because guess what... she fell again while dozing off in the house. To make it worse, no one knew until two days later. She had to lay on the floor and she says she fell asleep again while trying to get up. Thank God, she was able to call 911! They came and busted the door open to get her and bring her to the hospital. Everything went wrong because for one I didn't want to bother her after that discussion about the surgery that I tend to do because she gets irritated real fast. So that's the only way I can reset our buttons. Another thing is my grandmother found out and was trying to call me while I was busy getting things together for school. But I was checking for any voice mails which kept saying I had none. Turns out something's wrong with my voicemail app! So my grandmother's niece finally texted me and I had to find out the phone number where I called her and she told me to check her apartment because it probably wasn't secure. I go over there and I had to be careful because I was able to push the door open even though it was closed. But I didn't know if anyone was in there. Long story short, I went over to the hospital afterwards and everything is okay even though I have to take off from work too so I could do solve the problem of the door which is locked now because I went over there earlier today and then a maintenance guy was able to turn the key to secure it. Tomorrow I hope to have it fixed before she gets home from the hospital. What a scare! This is what I'm talking about what I go through.People tell me to just go about my business, but it's impossible because I'm dealing with a mother who is both stubborn and tends to make bad decisions at times. And we tend to go back and forth because she thinks I'm trying to control her where I really wish not to be having to deal with it at all. I try to be a planner to avoid issues that she thinks I'm crazy for. So we definitely think differently. You have no idea how much I want her to just live her life. I'm not the type to be wanting to tell anybody what to do, let alone a grown person. I feel like I'm in hell right now, and to make it worse I have had family like my grandmother and sister in my ear sounding accusatory about things I told them I cannot control. One minute they would tell me to relax and the next minute they're going off on me. My sister even claims she will be there for my mother so I wouldn't feel alone, but at the same time she sends me FMLA information that I already know about by the way, as if she's telling me that I will need to take off from work to help with my mother. Then she tells me recently how she wants to change jobs so how can I even think about her using her FMLA to come help? Do you see all this back and forth and how it's not as simple as it seems? On top of that, I have a friend who happened to be a neighbor of my mother who I recently had to end the friendship because she was intruding on our family business. Even though I asked her not to get involved, her response was "what is it, do you think I am going to replace you"? I told her she couldn't if she tried. There's even more to it with another sister of mine she was also sticking her nose in about. So I ended up having to tell her off and left her alone, but the thing is my mother still talks to her. Before they were just going to tenant meetings and such, but when my mother found out she was a friend of mine's she started acting like they are these good friends now. She has always done that where she had to be involved with my life and friends (the competitive thing). So do you see what I mean by the moving parts I'm dealing with here? I'm trying not to let it interfere with what I have to do but it is very stressful. How can one go to school and study heavy material like that? I keep going back and forth in my mind about skipping this semester that I don't want to skip. That certainly is more than enough for now. Any more good advice is greatly appreciated.
You sound overwhelmed-like many things are attacking you. Can you limit the amount of time you spend doing things for your mom and let someone else help out for awhile? Can you reduce the amount of phone calls you take from everyone who wants to information about your mom? It sounds like ya'll need to call a family meeting and discuss who is going to do what for your mother. There's a lot of drama in your family that needs to be cleaned up. Each sibling needs to take some responsibility for your mom (it's not just your job).
Do NOT skip school. There is a high probability that you'll never go back if you quit now. You owe it to yourself to finish your education.
Following mom's surgery her doc will likely prescribe rehab. That would be for a period of about a month. It could be longer or shorter depending on Mom's progress. She will have 24/7 care there and PT twice a day and OT at least once a day. And rehab she would not need to leave the facility, no ice and snow to deal with at least until sometime in March and she will be stronger and hopefully pain free.
So, try to relax, let it go, sounds like mom wants to handle it her way, let her. You go on with your life. Who has mom's power of attorney? That should definitely be done before her hospitalization.
Could you have simply called the caretaker or super or maintenance person at your mother's apartment, explain the situation, and ask to have the door repaired? Was it really necessary for you to take off work and go there personally? This is just a small example of what I mean by simplifying.
Recognize that you cannot control your sister or your grandmother. Your sister can change jobs, stay where she is, take FMLA, take care of mother, or ignore all of you. Her choice. Extricate yourself from her decision process. She'll do what she's going to do. You need to decide what YOU are going to do, and stick to it. Let others know your decisions. "Gramma, mother says she will get some in-home help when she comes home, and she doesn't want me there. I am going to respect her decision. I will be working and going to school during her recovery."
This situation has gotten way too complex. Work to make it simpler.
The fact that your mother is making poor choices does not mean that you have to fix the consequences after the fact.
Isn't mom going to rehab after this accident?
She said she is skipping rehab and coming straight home afterwards which is crazy. That's what puts me between a rock and a hard place because on one hand I leave her alone with her decisions and on the other it ends up becoming an emergency. I'm counting on her friend to be here during that time but he lives down south so I always have to be ready anyway. And I repeat, I do not want to have to do anything where her and anyone's life is concerned that is causing chaos, whether they mean to or not. That's why I had to unload the friend who was sticking her nose in. At this time in my life I know what peace is and I'm fighting for it all the time it seems.
Your mother is the chief.
You would be a willing Indian, if she would let you. But she won't. So you can't be.
Go to work. Go to school. Don't skip a semester.
Filter out from your mother's communications anything that you can practically achieve, and do that cheerfully.
Block in your own mind your grandmother's and your aunt's and Uncle Tom Cobley's and all's counsels of perfection. They're stressed too. They don't know what to do either. Fortunately, what you do isn't up to them. It's up to you.
Everyone's entitled to an opinion. Everyone's entitled to express concerns, to offer help, to talk to your mother, to ask questions, to say what they think. You haven't a hope of controlling who does and doesn't chuck in their two cents' worth talking to your mother, and frankly even if you could do that you've no right to.
As things stand, it is your mother who makes the decisions about her own choices (and she who has to take the consequences). And it is you who decides what you can do, if she will let you, to help. Everything else is so much background noise.
You don't like her choices? You'd rather she deferred surgery until a time when you could supervise her rehab? Tough. It's her hip. And if it all goes pear-shaped because she didn't listen to your advice... well, then it will be tough on her, won't it. But that still doesn't make it your decision, and it certainly doesn't make it your fault.
I think you need to calmly decide what you will or won't do in the future. Just because you drive, doesn't mean you're the only one who can respond. And you don't have to listen to what "other family members" want you to do. If they're hellbent on getting things done for your mom, let them figure out how to do it. What would happen if you weren't there? Someone else would have to fix it (like maybe another sister).
If your mom is going to continue to live where she lives, then she needs an emergency call button and she needs a lockbox on the door so that the police and EMTs can get in without breaking down the door. The lockbox is similar to what realtors use when they're listing a house.
You're being pulled into the drama because you're letting other people put your mom's burden on you. You simply don't have to do that. Figure out what mom's best choices are, make those known to her and if she doesn't follow them and gets into trouble, let HER solve the problem. She needs to go to rehab after this latest fall. If she chooses not to, that's fine, but she doesn't then get to pull you in when she has issues and emergencies as a result of not doing the wise thing, which would be to go to rehab. She doesn't listen to you because she knows you'll jump in and fix her poor decisions. Stop doing that!
You need to take care of YOU first - GO TO SCHOOL and let mom live her life. Help when you can with pre-set boundaries ("Mom, you need to go to rehab. If you don't, I can't help you if you have problems as a result of not going to rehab"), but don't be pulled in anytime there's an emergency caused by mom's poor choices. You'll still be a good and loving daughter even after you set boundaries.{{{Hugs}}}
The first is questionable; the second is nuts. Step back from this madness.
I wish you the greatest of luck, I wish you some time to yourself and the peace of mind to enjoy it. Huggs
My sentiments exactly, but it's the "how" to part I've been trying to figure out for a long time now, because of saying it but then these emergencies keep getting louder until I have to step in. I should point out that my mother and I aren't estranged like one of my sisters. So while it's pretty much black and white for them, it's gray for me where I have my boundaries, but we know that any contact with a narcissistic person means "fighting" to get them off you because every inch you give them, you know how they will take a mile. That's how they react which I can't control, but can only keep putting them back in their place. But then the damage's done. And I'm considering taking school off my plate, because they weren't real about how heavy the load would be; it takes an insurmountable amount of time to do it. Nothing else can come up once it starts, even though they should know life happens. I've emailed the professors about any possible procedures for family issues so I won't be blindsided (even though I plan to go about my business). I asked them would they relax on (their tight) deadlines? They haven't responded, even though my academic advisor suggested I do this. So, I'm basically in unloading mode at this point because without the proper support, I know how stressful this all can get. And I'M not trying to end up in the hospital! I'm trying to find another way to get credit towards my education and I'm currently studying for certifications instead, where it's self-paced. While I want my degree, I am realizing it could literally kill me to try to get it. I'd need all the right things in place first.
Agree with cwillie. Be encouraging. Have discussion with doctor and mom about how much help you are willing to be and that it is absolutely necessary for mom to arrange for any care, help, rehab or other sisters to take time to help in mom's recuperation. Period.
Do what you need to do for yourself during this time. PS. I wouldn't take Family leave to help mom when you've only been on the job for a year. Mom has the means and insurance and should arrange for her own care and needs through this surgery and recuperation.
Don't use up your Family leave for this. Don't skip a semester in school. Time for sisters to step up. Tell them as much. Make mom understand that as she recuperates - that Sister Ann's telephone number is XXX-XXXX and that is the number they call during this hip replacement (give it to the doctor, rehab coordinator, home health nurse, etc.)
This is your chance to step away.
Your dreams are worth more than her manufactured emergencies - don't quit work or school! You can do this - just be one of those people they gossip about who does not worship the ground they walk on. There's a reason your sisters are MIA.
The reason my sisters are MIA is because as I keep saying they are just like her, narcissistic; I sure would like responses based on that and not assume it's something else. And while I wholeheartedly agree with you about the mother and grandmother, are you saying that I should ignore her calls if she has fallen?
Since you grew up with narcissists you have been trained to endure the ride, no matter how nauseated it makes you. It may take a lot of support for you to break those habits. Does your school have a counselor? Come here often for pep talks!
Notice that your planning ahead involved contacting your instructors about their policy on family emergencies. That was good thinking. But have you contacted Mom's doctor or her neighbor and explained your new policies? Don't just plan for "what if something bad happens?" but also for "how to I make something less bad happen?"
Instead of getting off the merry-go-round, you are telling the neighbor how to help keep you there. Hmmm. You have a goal. You need to measure your actions by how they help or hinder that goal. (Just like for school.)
I hope this doesn't seem like criticism. You are not a bad daughter. You are not a weak person. None of this is your fault. You are enmeshed in patterns you were taught. It isn't easy to break through that. But it can be done. Might take several tries!