Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Diabetes, CHF, CKD stage 4, severe edema, anemia, oxygen. Nursing home is well regarded and I visit almost daily at random times. She feels like she is in prison.
Of course she’s unhappy, she has a litany of unfixable medical conditions and has lived an incredibly long life, one that’s sure to have included many losses. Acknowledge her feelings, then discuss something positive. Ruminating only helps cows. Take her small things she enjoys, take her outdoors when possible, and mostly know this isn’t something that’s fixable. You’ve made sure she’s safe and cared for, that’s huge. I wish you both peace
This is not an "uncommon" complaint/"feeling" on the part of seniors. If you really think about it this is the last loss for your Mother who now has no power over her own life. The complaint makes sense.
So the problem here is not making mother happy about the nursing home. Rather the problem is YOU. You must be made to accept that your mother is and will be unhappy, and that there is no "fix" for this. You must learn to accept that you are not responsible for the happiness of your parent. You never were/are not/never can be.
If you need a few sessions with a good COGNITIVE therapist to learn how to change your habitual habits of thinking there is something you can/must do about this, then do see one. That's your best way toward a fast recognition that this is one of those tough things in life that simply has no "answer". Sympathize with your mother's grief. Let her know you hear, see and feel her pain. And let her understand that despite the wishes of you both, there is nothing that can change this.
Perhaps you can help by not visiting every day, allowing that time for your mother to better interact with the other folks living there, as her happiness is not your responsibility. I mean I believe that I too would be unhappy if I was dealing with all of the health issues that your mother has(wouldn't you?), but it would be up to me to make the best of things. As the saying goes "growing old isn't for sissies" and in a lot of cases that is so true, but as in all things, it is not what life gives us but how we deal with what life gives us that matters most. And in the case of your mother, perhaps an anti-depressant may be helpful too, or even bringing hospice on board. Just a thought.
The sad truth is not many people at the age of 96 are happy. If you bring her home she will be unhappy there too sad to say. My mother was miserable at 95 and it didn’t matter where she was. She was unhappy at home and wanted to go to the nursing home so she could be with my father. We did that and she was unhappy there too.
She just hated this stage of life, the loss of control, the loss of friends, and she wanted out, no desire to live like she was with no mobility and unable to do the things she enjoyed. . I can’t say I blame her.
I totally agree with you. At 96, practically all of their friends, siblings, and other family members (maybe even their children) are no longer living. At this point, they just are tired of living. I don't blame them, especially the OP's mother who has many health issues. My own dear MIL (at age 90), who was always happy, vibrant and active, slowed down considerably at age 85. She really didn't have any health issues but just didn't have the physical & cognitive capacity like she wanted to have. She was also losing her hearing and just plain tired. She would tell me, "It's hard to die.". My FIL passed exactly a week before her and that broke her heart. She literally willed herself to die. She just couldn't go on. I'm glad they are together again.
The hard truth is Mom's happiness is up to her. To join in with activities, keep social as best she can. Even if that is being wheeled in a wheelchair or princess chair to a dayroom for a sing-along or watch TV.
Be aware that some family get the 'pity party' face while staff & others get a different one.
You are the safe person. Mom can share her true feelings with you.
Take it. Be glum for a min. Give her a hug. Acknowledge 'old age ain't for sissies' as they say. Then add confidence, a smile: Let's make the best of it! ❤️🤗🌻
In the California Sunday article I posted here, the nondemented roommate was the one who refused to go to parties. The cake, the hats, the syrupy “are we having fun yet” was just too much. Group socialization isn’t for everyone.
I'm not sure what you mean "all this medical care". The OP's mother has diabetes, CHF, CKD stage 4, severe edema, anemia" and needs oxygen. What do you propose? Telling the nursing home to stop diabetes medication, blood pressure meds, diuretics and oxygen? She also has chronic kidney disease Stage 4. Are you suggesting she tell the doctor to stop her medications? I don't think she wants to hasten her mother's death. That's her mother's decision. I would suggest she talk to her mother about this. As long as Mom is fully capable of making her own health decisions (i.e. hospice care), she should let her do it. Mom has physically lost a lot of autonomy, but her wishes should be followed.
Of course she is unhappy. Her body has worn out. But there is nothing you can do to fix that and there is nothing you can to do make her happy. She has to find things to make herself happy.
My mom needed me to visit her daily. She was unhappy at first, but she saw me and had familiarity. When her sister visited her randomly, my mom kept expecting to see her. My mom would think her sister was going to show up. It was extremely disappointing when she was a no show. Predictability can be important to our loved ones. It's a sacrifice visiting often, but they need to feel that they're not being abandoned.
I agree. Frequent visits are a must. Especially if they still have all their faculties. No one (and I mean NO ONE) wants to end up in a nursing home to die with strangers. I know I would be depressed knowing it's the end of the line and I'm not in my home. I was able to keep my in-laws and Mom at home until the last couple of months of their lives, then visited every other day, then slept in my Mom's nursing home room for the last 2 weeks of her life. It was tough but I feel I did the best I could for her and was there for her last breath. I also was there for my in-laws last hour too. It was a privilege for me to be there for them in their final hours and I don't regret those last couple of months attending to their needs.
With all of that disease at play, and at 96, mom is unlikely to be happy, period. Old age tends to become such a burden after awhile, death offers relief from the torture. You cannot make mom happy, nobody can. Her diseases and advanced old age keep her feeling like a prisoner, not anything you're doing or not doing. Some folks are more accepting than others of their situations in life. I'm sorry your mom is one who isn't very accepting. Sending you both a prayer for peace.
My mother always wanted to come home when she was in a nursing home. A saving grace was that she had a wonderful roommate to talk to. There was a community room, but I don't think she hung out there very often.
You could talk to somewhere there to see if she is capable of participating in some activity and if she is being helped to do so, if she wants.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
So the problem here is not making mother happy about the nursing home. Rather the problem is YOU. You must be made to accept that your mother is and will be unhappy, and that there is no "fix" for this. You must learn to accept that you are not responsible for the happiness of your parent. You never were/are not/never can be.
If you need a few sessions with a good COGNITIVE therapist to learn how to change your habitual habits of thinking there is something you can/must do about this, then do see one. That's your best way toward a fast recognition that this is one of those tough things in life that simply has no "answer".
Sympathize with your mother's grief. Let her know you hear, see and feel her pain. And let her understand that despite the wishes of you both, there is nothing that can change this.
I mean I believe that I too would be unhappy if I was dealing with all of the health issues that your mother has(wouldn't you?), but it would be up to me to make the best of things.
As the saying goes "growing old isn't for sissies" and in a lot of cases that is so true, but as in all things, it is not what life gives us but how we deal with what life gives us that matters most.
And in the case of your mother, perhaps an anti-depressant may be helpful too, or even bringing hospice on board. Just a thought.
She just hated this stage of life, the loss of control, the loss of friends, and she wanted out, no desire to live like she was with no mobility and unable to do the things she enjoyed. . I can’t say I blame her.
Be aware that some family get the 'pity party' face while staff & others get a different one.
You are the safe person. Mom can share her true feelings with you.
Take it. Be glum for a min.
Give her a hug. Acknowledge 'old age ain't for sissies' as they say.
Then add confidence, a smile:
Let's make the best of it!
❤️🤗🌻
You could talk to somewhere there to see if she is capable of participating in some activity and if she is being helped to do so, if she wants.
See All Answers