My mother is 91 and lives in an independent living. Because of trying to deal with her rudeness to others I hate taking her anywhere. Any suggestions?

Are you certain that your mom isn't dealing with "some" cognitive decline? CHF and COPD might both limit brain flow to the brain over time, leading to what is termed Vascular Dementia. Often, loss of filtering is present.

I would think any qualified therapist would be able to provide support to you.

"LOOK at him! He's left-handed!" [about her ophthalmologist]
"Mother, really! - and anyway left-handed people are often very creative."
"Well I don't want him getting creative with my cataract."

Fortunately I think our ophthalmologist had heard much, much worse in his time.

Depending on how long your mother has been dealing with her chronic conditions, I don't think you can assume that she is not suffering from some cognitive decline and quite possibly vascular dementia. The loss of inhibition and the negativity strike loud bells with me. Has this been investigated?

You must not feel responsible for your mother's behaviour, although you should avoid situations where she may cause hurt and offence to people who cannot reasonably be expected to suck it up. But any experienced health care professional who deals regularly with your mother's conditions will be inured to anything she can send their way, I promise you.

In our neck of the woods, we have an organisation called Dementia Friends - just ordinary members of the public who have signed up for basic training in assisting people with dementia. We have little lapel badges so that anyone who needs help, out and about in the ordinary way, knows we're approachable and will understand.

You may not have anything like that, and ours has only made a start on the issue; but believe me more people than you realise will understand and sympathise with what is going on.

“Do I have as many WRINKLES as that lady?” Said very loudly in a small waiting room about an obviously younger woman. I just about DIED!!! I tried to distract, but then it came again, “No, I mean do I look as OLD as she does?” All I could do was offer a stunned look and mouth a small apology as the “old,” “wrinkled” lady quietly walked out of the room.

Little kids and little old people ... their filters are often not working at full capacity. Their blurts are embarrassing to us, but we hope that the rest of polite society will recognize their limitations and forgive them. An older person’s blurt, however, seems infinitely more embarrassing because “they should know better.” And Mom probably DID know better and kept her filter in good working condition for decades. She may be dealing with some dementia, as mentioned above. She may also just be tired. Chronic illness and chronic pain can wear a person down. Day to day life consists of managing symptoms, meeting your own basic needs, and (some days) just surviving. The pleasantries of cordial living become luxuries that just take too much mental and emotional energy. Is Mom taking anything for depression or anxiety??

If it really bothers you, have some business cards printed up. They could say something like, “Please excuse my mother’s inappropriate comment. Before her illness, she was kind and polite. I’m sure she would be mortified by her comment if she were her old self again. Have a nice day!” They are surprisingly inexpensive. You could keep them in your purse and hand them out discreetly whenever you felt it necessary.

At the AL the other day, as we were walking by another resident (in a very audible voice):
"Trixie has memory problems. She is starting to forget things. But that's okay, we understand people like her".

I'm hoping Trixie understands too.

I don't have any suggestions. Just know that you are not alone.

Is your mother's hearing OK? My hard-of-hearing mother sometimes says things in what she thinks is a very soft voice, but it's actually full volume.

As my daughter, RN, says she is old so is here brain. There has to be some age related decline.

Countrymouse, I am intrigued by the organization of people who train as Dementia Friends in your area. We need just ordinary folk who just want to help in so many situations.
My mom, who is quite young- not yet 70, was rooming with a roommate in rehab last week. My mom has progressive supernuclear palsy.
She told me as she glanced at her curtain partition separating the beds:
“ she was up a lot last night and they thought she messed herself. They had to ask her, and she said she just farts a lot”.
😳 The woman was right there.
Mom thought she was whispering.
I think making some of the
“Pardon the offense” cards is a stellar idea!

Yay! - it's crossed the water :)

Here you go: dementiafriendsusa.org

CEP, as others say, you are dealing with dementia in word or spirit, so dig into those resources! Thanks for the link, cm! I steer my mom out of earshot of others as quickly and often as possible. When I went by yesterday morning before work, she told me I looked like sh$t (‘sorry, but yo do’) and my workplace should be ashamed if they let people come to work dressed like that! Had to share that with someone!!

CEP, I agree about the behavior that your mom is exhibiting. I realize that she's up there in years, but, I would really suspect that there is some degree of cognitive decline that would explain her inappropriate comments, rudeness and stubbornness. I was like you when I first started to see behavior like that with my LO. I was certain that it wasn't dementia. I just thought my LO was rude, ungrateful, stubborn and even mean. But, it was the early stages of dementia. She appeared that way before her memory went. You might discuss it with her doctor. 

If that is what it is, there is really not much you can do, except manage the behavior. I would keep an extra eye on her though. You may take it that she is refusing to accept some treatments, but, it may be that she is not CAPABLE of processing the information about the treatment and following through with it. The normal mental process is disturbed and she may not be capable of tending to her own needs any longer. I might spend a full day with her to see just how well she really is coping in her IL apt.

My mother was rude all her life, to anyone who unwittingly offended her and to her family -- by their looks, by what they triggered in Mom's deep recesses, by their existence. There was never any sense of boundary or inpropriety in her engagement of strangers. Her put-downs of others was sometimes used socially to dazzle and manipulate others, to be a queen of the party, because there was often the fact that she actually nailed some subtle descriptor of what others may have been unconscious of thinking themselves. When less offensive, I'd have to frame her behavior as "Inspired Psychic" because she could entertain and express her inner paranoias and rage like nobody. Zdar, my sibling and I got the "You look like sh$t" remark so often we're quite sure it is a normal greeting. In her last years, she was like the rabid mother in East of Eden, but also so vulnerable it made me collapse many times. Countrymouse's Dementia Friends link, which I reviewed quickly, is therapeutic and illuminating. Glad I caught your question lthis morning!

My mother much like 50'schild, in many ways all our lives. Last year put on anti-depressant, she is so much nicer, I can't help but think she needed this all her life and that it must have been a burden to bear being overbearing. It didn't make her perfect, but the improvement is amazing.

I feel your embarrassment. My dad is also right there. We’ve seen the doctors and have been told there’s no dementia, they only want to call it a loss of filters. He says rude things regularly out in public. He honestly thinks he’s being either helpful or funny. Those with him cringe. If we call him on it he pouts. I’ve quietly apologized to many as we leave places. I too, love the idea of a business card to hand people. I’d only hope someone wouldn’t then feel a need to come up and say it was no problem and then my dad would want to know what they were talking about, I’d be the bad guy, again! Anyway, best of luck with this, it’s not easy, and it’s most certainly no fun out in public

Honorable M-I-L is also 91, and has "memory issues." I honestly believe she can no longer distinguish between thinking something and saying it. No filters whatsoever.

I have to share something: I recently attended a Memory Cafe at her ALF. Residents and family members did an activity together such as simple chair yoga, talking about food memories of our youth, etc. One resident took offense at it being called a "Memory Cafe." "That's like saying we're forgetful." Then she proceeded to tell the same story to me, three consecutive times!

My grandmother was a classic "no filter" lady--and she had a booming voice from years in "the theatre". I took he a lot of places and she would inevitably say something horrifically rude. I got used to the eye-roll and sometimes a quick apology to the person she'd "offended". She was obsessed with overweight people--(she had been close to 300 lbs much of her life and lost a lot of weight after having a perforated ulcer and most of her stomach removed)--hence, in her 70's, 80's and 90's she was shrinking. She'd see a heavyset person and literally ask them to their face why they weren't working on slimming down. She'd harangue me about losing the "baby weight" 2 days after the baby was born. We got used to it, but I tell you, taking her places, I did a LOT of cringing and apologizing. Some people were OK with it, but she was NEVER demented, not one day of her life. She was simply rude.

As she was dying in a NH, she made me promise to tell everyone that she was now a size 6 Junior Petite. I did. What a character.

My mom couldn't contain herself when in say a restaurant she saw a plump person nearby - no way would I have then handed the person a "sorry she's demented " card but I usually mumbled something like sorry, it's hard to be old and demented

Oh dear, my Mom didn't have a filter in her own home when I tried to bring in caregivers. Mom was very bias about people who didn't resemble her.

One lovely caregiver came in to help, and Mom was wondering when the fat lady was going to leave. I looked at the caregiver and I mouthed "I'm sorry" and the caregiver put her finger to her lips [like a Librarian would do if the library got noisy]. I took the clue not to say anything to my Mom. I will always remember that.

My Mom didn't have memory issues that I could tell. She was just so bias... [sigh].

I love the idea of a card

"Sorry my Mom has forgotten how to be polite
I hope you were not offended.
You really don't look like the back end of a horse []
Your make up does not make you look like a clown. []
You are not a fat pig, just pleasantly plump []
She's right those shorts do show more than they should []
Those breast implants must make your neck hurt []
Your baby does not look like a monkey []
Your husband does not look young enough to be your son {]
Did you really make your dress from a tablecloth? []
Were you really trying to run her over []

Now I am just being silly and should move to the caregivers behaving badly thread.

I swear I will go out with brown paper bag over my head when hubby goes on a rant.

The worst one was when we came into Toronto airport and did not realize we had to claim our luggage and clear customs there and it would not be automatically trnsferred to our US flight. After haranging every one wearing a uniform he started on the ticket agents who are mostly Indian and Pakistani immigrants. he picked one out and got in his face and said "I've got a red hot poker and I am looking for an a** h**** to stick it up. I retreated to the further corner of the building and read all the notices. To this day he denies saying it. Fortunately the gentleman did not appear to understand.

You just have to bite your lip ad apologies. You didn't say it and you have no choice about being related to her, or try duct tape over her mouth covered with a mask. "Keep away Mom has a very sore throat"

Your mother is either very rude and inconsiderate or she has some form of dementia. Were I you and she said something horrible to someone, I would turn to her and tell her that her behavior is rude and shameful and to stop it at once. Then I would apologize to the victim.

Some people just don't have any social etiquette. It seems that the older you get, the less filters you have-with or without dementia.

At the "inevitable" loud, rude comment from mother, I would mouthe "DEMENTIA" from a step behind her. Their faces of shock or offense softened to nodding forgiveness with a curt smile.
😡=😱=😉

Talk about no filters. One holiday gathering we all were waiting on a certain adult child and his family to show up, (very late as always, but, mom won't let us complain) when they arrived super late, my LO who had started with dementia, says in a matter of fact way, "WHY are you guys so late all the time?  We are STARVING!  Sunnygirl, says you do it all the time. It really irks her." lol Well........ I just smiled and served the turkey. lol

When you turn on the TV now a days, seems like a lot of people have no filter who are not seniors nor do they have any memory issues :P

My late mother-"that girl in that bed is Cambodian and she won't bathe." I say "mother, you cannot go around talking about someone's culture." As soon as I said it, the nurse backed me up and GOT ANGRY AT ME BECAUSE I wasn't controlling my mother. It's not just your LO.

How interesting. Is there evidence that ABA has been used successfully in people with dementia? I am agog.

Sunnygirl1: Wow, I have to say your tongue must have hurt when you had to bite it, but you were to be commended! A lot of the time an elder with dementia will be very childlike in their vocalization and mannerisms. I noticed my late mother presenting such attitudes about 4-5 years before her death at 94 years of age. She either did not engage in the conversation or i. e. when she talked on the phone to hes sister, all she had to say over and over and over again was "How's your Kia?" (automobile) I often wonder if the elder cannot or does not have the wherewithal to keep stored in their brain just a few things?

Caroli1: For the loved one's behaviors to be amenable, it would present itself to be a genius idea if it were to work. That is an interesting theory, i.e. ABA. I wonder if indeed it has been successful with people with Autism Spectrum Disorder and elderly dementia patients. I am enthralled.

Thank you all for your comments. Looking at her behavior as a form of dementia has made it easier for me to accept. Hate to see her so unhappy but I need to accept that there is nothing I can do about that.

CEP, there *may* be nothing to be done about it, but it is definitely is worth asking her doctor if anti-depressants might help. If your mother is experiencing vascular dementia, which is likely almost to the point of inevitable with her conditions, then clinical depression is a common aspect of it. My mother was not a believer in psychiatric treatments - or conditions, come to that - of any sort, but even she did eventually accept that she needed help. Citalopram, just a low dose, took the edge off her terrible, profound dread and misery - not a miracle, but better than nothing.

My mother also does not have a "filter" when she talks to people. It is very embarrassing. She has always been this way but now at age 92 it is constant. Her nurse, a heavyset woman, was in my mother's room and wanted to sit down and couldn't find a space except for my mother's portable commode. My mother told her she can't sit there because she would break it. My mother has no self-awareness.
We also have a volunteer who brings home-cooked meals for my mother because she couldn't stand my cooking. Rather than hear negative comments about my culinary skills, I found this wonderful volunteer to do the cooking. I asked my mother if she would like to meet her because she is a lovely person. My mother said no because she didn't like her cooking either. I decided against having her meet the volunteer because I knew she would tell her that she didn't like her food. I don't like to listen to the rude comments, but most people are very understanding and just laugh it off and say, "Your mom's a pistol."
I don't think there is much you can do to curb your mother's blunt talk.

You may love your mother and care about her but you are NOT OBLIGATED, under any circumstances or for whatever reasons, to put up with this. No way on earth would I allow that or accept it. Don't excuse it. Accept she is what she is. THEN STOP TAKING HER ANY PLACE. EITHER FIND A FRIEND OR HIRE SOMEONE TO TAKE HER. YOU SHOLD NOT, REPEAT, NOT BE SUBJECTED TO THIS. End of subject. Don't allow it by staying away so you are not being embarrassed and abused. Good luck and BE STRONG.