She is currently living with me and my husband ( I am an only child). I am her health care proxy and POA. Her health care proxy has been activated due to advanced dementia. My husband and I have moved her back and forth to Greece 3 times now. When she is in the USA with us she calls Greece and tells people that she is uncomfortable living with us and wants her independence and to speak in her own language and at times has told people that we do not treat her well. When she is in Greece she calls me and tells me that things have changed and she is lonely and wants to be with her family. The last time she was in Greece she fell twice and my cousins noticed that she had declined significantly. She forgot how to cook, she was losing her money and accusing people of stealing it. She became very upset with me when I asked her what she was doing with the money that I was sending to her. She accused the bank in the U.S. or me or her granddaughter of stealing her money from her account because she couldn't understand why she was running out money. I tried to explain to her that she was asking me to send her more money than was being deposited monthly and therefore it was taking from the money she had in her savings. When my cousin told me that he thought she had dementia based on the signs that he was seeing, my husband and I made an emergency trip to Greece and brought her home with us. She has unfortunately spent or given away all her savings, her jewelry, everything. Everyday she asks to call the landlord or the neighbors, friends to secure the apartment she was in prior to coming to the US last year. She justifies that her family, my cousins who live 40 minutes to 2 hours away are there for her along with friends (who she has to pay) are there for her if she needs them.Last night she asked that I bring her suitcases to her so that she can get them ready because she can no longer live with us and has to return to Greece. She is unable to coordinate her travel on her own. However, it still makes me incredibly anxious on how she will react when I can't delay the timing any more. At this point we do not plan on even going together to Greece because I do not want the stress of making her return with us.
Any advice on how to appease her? She is unable to reason at this point.
YOU are the one that makes the decisions FOR her.
SHE is no longer able to advocate for herself.
If you are unable to SAFELY act as POA then someone else should be appointed OR allow the Courts to appoint a Guardian that WILL ensure that she is safe.
Or you find a SECURE facility that will care for her 24/7 and make sure that she is safe. If that is here in the USA or Greece it does not matter, however if there is an emergency there should be someone close that can make decisions if you can not be reached or if you do not want to make a decision over the phone.
She is unable to reason due to the dementia I have no idea why you are unable to grasp this. (sorry sounds a bit harsh but a lot of poor decisions have been made)
I’m sorry to say that but you are basically making all bad choices.
There are nursing homes in my city with higher popuations of certain nationalities & that can help (families have told me). The national flavour can come through in the menu, decor, activities & *maybe* more staff speak the language.. but many care staff are new to the country & working in aged care for their residency application.
Just choose the most decent place close to your home was the advice I was given. I agree (unless a Greek cultured nursing home exists within 40min drive).
So find the kindest & least draining way to deal with her unrealistic requests.
Oh soon... Later this month... When the weather is better... the house in Greece needs repair..
Your Mother misses her culture. I'd try to add more of that, Greek radio & TV, Greek social club, a nice meal at a Greek restuarant (if available/affordable.
My other concern is I am in the USA and I am an only child. I want to be close to my mom to check in on her. My cousins who are in Greece recently lost their mothers (my mother's sisters) and I do not want to add this burden onto them. I think and feel like my mom is my responsibility.
There is no perfect solution here that will work one-hundred percent for everyone involved.
Weigh the pros and cons of each then. You feel your mom is your responsibility. That being said, this does not mean that you have to try to appease her (which is impossible with dementia) and give up your life being dragged down dementia rabbit holes that she gets fixated on.
You cannot take care of her yourself in your home. Don't blow up your own life trying to. Yes, she may still possess enough mental faculties to know she's being put into a LTC facility. So what. There are many, many people in LTC whose minds aren't completely gone. Sure, she may be angry, grow to hate you, and never accept it. You will have to learn how live with it.
In the meantime you use therapeutic fibs to get her to cooperate and stay calm. Please know that wanting to "go home" is a dementia behavior called Sundowning and the person is usually referencing a childhood home, not their most recent residence.
If your Mom doesn't have sufficient work history (40 quarters) here in the US and is not receiving Medicare or SS, then all the more reason she must return to Greece, and the language barrier if she has limited or no English.
I hope it goes as well as it can for all involved.
How many years the mother lived outside of Greece and wasn't paying into their system will determine whether or not they will pick up the tab for her to go into a LTC facility there. She wouldn't be entering Greece illegally with her needy hands out and many countries are expected to take care of that group before their own.
My ex-husband's aunt was getting old and she was needing to be put into care. She was incontinent, wandering, and needed 24-hour care. Her son figured send her back to Poland and they'll pay for it. Turns out they would not because she didn't live there for about 30 years. She never really worked in the U.S. either so had no retirement or anything coming in. She was able to get on Medicaid and is in a memory care/LTC here in the U.S. it's not a nice place, but it's all that was available.
The days of you trying to appease her are gone. There is no appeasing dementia. There is only making suitable care arrangements for the person for their own health and safety. You have to make a care arrangement for your mother in Greece or the United States. Whether or not she agrees with it is irrelevant. She's not making the decisions anymore.
It's good that you have family in Greece because they can help get her placed there. It would be better for her in her own country where everyone speaks her language. What would her life be back here in the U.S.? An American memory care facility? She's better off in Greece. Make arrangements for her there.