My mother insists on leaving the ALF she is at. She can’t live alone, I can’t take care of her at my house. Any advice?

I was not with my father OR my mother when they died. I loved them fiercely and would not have felt myself capable of enduring the moment of their last breaths.
My father dropped dead in his garden, and my mother, with whom I had had a rocky and complex relationship as a child, had become my hero by the time she died at 95.
She was an intensely private and stubborn woman, and I knew that she would insist upon “staying” if I stayed with her the night she died.
When you love someone dearly, you know them well enough to respond as they would wish, whether or not the words are spoken.
Do what you are able to do, DalesMom, and trust her hospice team to do what THEY are able to do.

My 2 cents

You do not want to bring Mom home with Hospice. Hospice aides are only there 3x a week. As is the RN checking on things. The family is left with most of the care. Cleaning up, feeding, and distributing medications and that includes Morphine. I also would not go against husbands wishes.

Keeping her in AL she has the facilities aides when Hospice is not there. You can enjoy your time with her without all the other stuff.

Moms last day we visited and left at 1:30. She was pronounced at 1:50. She may have passed before that. You could leave to go to the bathroom and come back and she has passed.

Mom has Dementia. Does she really mean your home or the home she was raised in. Just tell her she is home.

I would keep her at the ALF. Hospice and staff are there to provide professional care for your mom. You do not want to get into a situation that will be too difficult for you to handle, and moving her at this point would not be in her best interest. I think it is wonderful you are staying the night with your mother. I would visit as much as possible. I pray that God gives you peace and strength during this very difficult time. Hugs!

I am sorry that you are facing losing your mom.

However, please don't buy into feelings of guilt about her situation. She needs a village now more than ever and you are not a village.

Spend as much time as you feel like you can and know that no matter what you do, her time is coming to an end, nothing you do will change that.

Hugs! May God give you strength and wisdom during this difficult time.

I agree with Lealonnie1 and would not put you on a guilt trip.
I am not saying the doctors or hospice don’t know what they’re talking about but I’ve read here that occasionally, when people have been given a few weeks or days to live, it can turn into a year.

Hospice will work together with the staff at her facility to keep her comfortable and tend to her needs. You do not have to spend the night. They will call you if you need to be there. When you do spend time with her, make it quality time. Some of my fondest memories of visiting my mother were when she was still cognizant of what was going on and we reminisced and she told me about her girlhood in the 20’s and 30’s.

On some level, your husband will need to understand what you are going through. But, he is correct in insisting Mom not come to your (and his) home. Even with in-home hospice care, this would be extremely difficult and stressful for you.

My experience with hospice is that they know what they are talking about.

your Mom has 2-3 WEEKS of life remaining.

unless you had a truly awful childhood because of her...I think you will regret it very much if you don’t figure out someway to spend this time with her. I am betting the guilt will be major if you turn away from her now.

2-3 weeks, I am sure you can probably get time from work with Family Leave time. I am certain that hubby will completely understand the need to be there to comfort your Mom.

finally...in those last couple days...try to have someone with you. Seek the councilling hospice offers.

When the end does come....as tough as that is..you need to be there for her. consider this before leaving her to die with strangers.....I think it will haunt you, in the long run leaving you in pretty awful mental state.

She is where she belongs at the ALF, getting the care she needs from the staff and now from hospice. I'd tell her that it's doctor's orders she stay put at the ALF which is safe and secure, but you will be there to visit DAILY. I'd stop spending the night now if you don't plan to do it nightly. Again, tell her how much you love her but that you have to go home each night to your husband and get some rest, but you'll be back tomorrow. This is way too stressful a situation to handle in any other fashion.
My father was living in an ALF and on hospice for 2 weeks and 5 days before he passed away. Those 19 days were THE most stressful of my entire life thus far, and I'm grateful to the team at the ALF and hospice for all the wonderful care they gave him. If I didn't go home to sleep every night, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown, frankly.

Please take care of YOU during this difficult time. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace for both you and your mom