She was originally not going to do this move back in October. But has since changed her mind. She pretty much takes care of herself just repeats herself alot, and needs security. I know it will get worse as she is 84 years old.
Make sure you have insurance policies, DNR, list of current medications Power of Attorney and Will.
If she is under $2000. in assets with dementia, call state for assessment of services Ofice of Long Term Living Human Service. Process application as there is waiting list.
If she is over $2000. in assets, use her money to get nursing assistant to help you. Example Care.Com
Make sure funeral arrangements for burial are paid for in advance.
Read all information on the Department of Human Services Website for your state. Understand the laws and waivers. Do not do this without help. Mental and physical assessments can be done by state. Occupational therapist will help you with purchase and installing equipment.
Oh, u asked how to get ready. Make sure ur bathroom is accessible. There are suction handles you can put on the tub/shower walls where needed. Handheld shower heads are great for getting places she may not be able to. Shower chair if she has a problem standing. Does she have a favorite chair? Bring it. Rugs that don't slip around. Things kept where she can reach it.
I like that you are aware that this may be too much and are considering an AL when she gets too much. I hope this means that you and Hubby have talked this through and he is on board. I also hope he realizes that this is his Mom mainly his responsibility. You can do what Mom would not feel comfortable her son doing for her but in the end he needs to be involved too. TG I never had to make a decision on taking my MIL in. It would never have worked. Mainly because she "felt" she was the matriarch. (Non of her DILs felt she was). I did have my Mom for 20 months. I never thought it was going to be permanent. After a year, I placed her in Daycare to give me a few hours a week for us. I was placing her in respite care so we could "get away" and found they were having a sale. So, I placed her in the AL having enough for a year and hoping the house would sell so I could get her another year. (After at least 2 yrs private pay Medicaid will pay for an AL in NJ) House didn't sell, money ran out, so LTC with Medicaid paying. By that time, Mom was in her own little world and really didn't know anyone or could talk coherently.
So, take it a day at a time. She may do better with others around to keep her stimulated. If she is on Cholesterol meds I would question them at this age. Members have found out that when a LO is taken off, their cognitive ability seems better. They also effect the liver after long time use. A good diet helps to. You may want to find a Senior Center she can visit and maybe make some acquaintances.
One more thing. If you buy a house none of Moms money should be used if u think Medicaid may be in the picture within the next five years. It will be counted as "gifting". It will either have to be paid back or there will be a penalty.
Please, come back with any questions you may have. This group helped me realize that its not just me.
Why not just place her in AL now? IMO this is not going to work, whatever she will contribute from a monetary stand point will not offset the detrimental effect this move will have on you and your husband. If I read between the lines it appears that she will have something to do with you buying a house, keep in mind, if she is to go on Medicaid in most states there is a 5 year look back, do your research, explore your options, a 2 bedroom, 1 bath apartment will not do it.
Yellowpencildog, tell us more about the living arrangements. Where will Mom-in-law sleep? Is the bedroom on the main level, or upstairs? Right next door to your bedroom? As we age, stairs become not user friendly.
Bathrooms.... either you or hubby will need to make it senior friendly. Usually a taller toilet helps. You will need to put anchored grab bars in the tub/shower, and maybe around the toilet if Mom-in-law has trouble standing up after using the toilet. She may [or may not] need your help at this point in time.
What about the thermostat.... does Mom-in-law like her environment toasty warm? If you and hubby like the temps around 70-72, and Mom-in-law likes it around 80, this will become a heated battle [sorry for the pun].
Do either you or hubby still work outside of the home? You both will need to plan who is going to stay home with Mom-in-law. Or if there is a senior center in your community, Mom-in-law could go there to be around people of her own generation. Your hubby better be on board to help his mother.... he can't claim he need to work overtime on a regular basis to get out of helping.
Will Mom-in-law pay you rent? I know this sounds weird to ask her, but your utilities will go up. Grocery costs will increase. And since Mom-in-law is incontinent [per your profile] that is a huge expense for Depend type garments [hopefully she will wear them], otherwise every sitting place in your house will get damaged or you can order "blue sheets" to place on chairs and sofas, and even the car.
Is Mom-in-law on Medicaid [which is different from Medicare], and if she is crossing State lines, she would need to apply and be accepted in the new State.
Another major issue.... most households cannot have 2 Queen bees. Mom-in-law may [or may not] want to take charge on how things are done. It would be nice if there is a household chore you hate doing, and Mom-in-Law likes this chore, let her do that work :)
Her bedroom will be on main floor with ours. My only concern is right now we live in two bedroom apt. one bathroom. Will buy house within a year one story.
O dear.....please listen to the advice of the wise people on this forum. Do the research and learn all you can about this horrible disease. Hoping your MIL can be placed where she will receive the care she needs, and not in your home....
Are you really sure that this is a good idea? Have you read the many posts from care givers here on this site? This is a big decision a major life changing experience.
Have you done your research? Why not consider assisted living for her? You have no idea what you are in for. Good Luck!
Read up a LOT on the subject of dementia, the stages, what to expect, how to cope, what to say/what not to say, etc etc. Praying is all fine and well, AFTER the research is done and you've prepared yourself for what lies ahead. Call the Alzheimer's Association's hotline: 24/7 Helpline: 1.800. 272.3900. Go to their website and read read read: https://alzfdn.org/afahelpline/?gclid=CjwKCAiA__HvBRACEiwAbViuU0X0kp-M1XZnGgx5HTvHUkWklv3-k49jx4KRuSRoTZgpVL7wV0YOqxoChegQAvD_BwE
They also offer a Live Chat feature at that site.
Teepa Snow has some great YouTube videos on the topic of dementia and how to deal with sufferers. Check her out.
Read the book The 36 Hour Day. Research Memory Care facilities in your area for when the time comes that you can no longer care for her at home. 90% of us cannot.
Yellow, you are about to embark on a journey that I don't think you have adequately researched. I'm glad to hear you are ready to "put on the armor" as you stated in your profile. However, that's just not enough. Not even when 2 other family members say they will "help". Do they have jobs and families? Their help will be very limited and not consistent. You will long for the day when the worst thing your MIL did was constantly repeat herself. You will be with your MIL 24/7 (eventually) preventing her from hurting herself, wandering outside in the winter, calling 911 and reporting that you are abusing her, trying to get her into your car for an important doc appt but she won't go because she thinks you're kidnapping her. Or yelling for you several times in the night, every night because her body cycles are completely off. Or you will be cleaning up after each of her BMs because she insists on taking off her Depends, or spits everywhere in the house and she won't stop because you can no longer reason with someone with a broken mind. These are just some of the things caregivers have posted on this forum. Not even the worst (sexual stuff, violence, etc I will leave for you to read on your own). Please please please do the research. Don't romanticize what you think caregiving will involve, especially if you are married and have kids in the house. Don't let anyone pressure you into taking on this job. Your MIL will eventually need more care than anyone is able or willing to provide. Find a nice, local, reputable care community and let her know this is the best option for everyone. She can go in on self-pay and when her money runs out she can apply for Medicaid and stay right where she is receiving the same care and attention. Even in-home care from private cna's or an agency will eventually surpass the cost of Memory Care. Please explore this forum and learn from others. I wish you all the best for you, for family and your MIL.
You say that your Mother in Law has "decided". Are you on board with this decision, and aware of what you are facing? Is your MIL living independently now? If so, other than having her own room with such safety features as she may already have in her own room, there is little to "get ready" and the needs will be addressed as you go along. My concern is only that you truly want to do this care; you acknowledge that you know "it will get worse" and indeed it will. There is no reason that when/if it does you cannot make a move to permanent 24/7 care placement; I think what is important now is that you all in the family are on board to know that that may be a possibility in future. Reading up on the forum will let you know some things to think of for ongoing care.
Oh wow. Before you have this plan cast into stone..please read all the threads here about how horrible life is after the parent with Parkinson or dementia has moved in,
really, the odds are this is not going to end well.
I had both parents to the end. BUT, they had a LTC policy that paid for caregivers for 8 hours a day...for each of them. they had the resources to pay for everything they needed, and medical transport for every doctor visit. It was still very hard after sundown...my Dad was especially bad. But, I know I had it pretty easy compared to most.
so..my advice is that if you must do this.. get a day nurse to come in everyday to take this burden off of you.
Or is the decision that MIL moves in a decision everyone in the househouse has agreed upon & welcomes?
If she is under $2000. in assets with dementia, call state for assessment of services Ofice of Long Term Living Human Service. Process application as there is waiting list.
If she is over $2000. in assets, use her money to get nursing assistant to help you. Example Care.Com
Make sure funeral arrangements for burial are paid for in advance.
Read all information on the Department of Human Services Website for your state. Understand the laws and waivers. Do not do this without help. Mental and physical assessments can be done by state. Occupational therapist will help you with purchase and installing equipment.
Good luck..
Make sure ur bathroom is accessible. There are suction handles you can put on the tub/shower walls where needed. Handheld shower heads are great for getting places she may not be able to. Shower chair if she has a problem standing. Does she have a favorite chair? Bring it. Rugs that don't slip around. Things kept where she can reach it.
So, take it a day at a time. She may do better with others around to keep her stimulated. If she is on Cholesterol meds I would question them at this age. Members have found out that when a LO is taken off, their cognitive ability seems better. They also effect the liver after long time use.
A good diet helps to. You may want to find a Senior Center she can visit and maybe make some acquaintances.
One more thing. If you buy a house none of Moms money should be used if u think Medicaid may be in the picture within the next five years. It will be counted as "gifting". It will either have to be paid back or there will be a penalty.
Please, come back with any questions you may have. This group helped me realize that its not just me.
Bathrooms.... either you or hubby will need to make it senior friendly. Usually a taller toilet helps. You will need to put anchored grab bars in the tub/shower, and maybe around the toilet if Mom-in-law has trouble standing up after using the toilet. She may [or may not] need your help at this point in time.
What about the thermostat.... does Mom-in-law like her environment toasty warm? If you and hubby like the temps around 70-72, and Mom-in-law likes it around 80, this will become a heated battle [sorry for the pun].
Do either you or hubby still work outside of the home? You both will need to plan who is going to stay home with Mom-in-law. Or if there is a senior center in your community, Mom-in-law could go there to be around people of her own generation. Your hubby better be on board to help his mother.... he can't claim he need to work overtime on a regular basis to get out of helping.
Will Mom-in-law pay you rent? I know this sounds weird to ask her, but your utilities will go up. Grocery costs will increase. And since Mom-in-law is incontinent [per your profile] that is a huge expense for Depend type garments [hopefully she will wear them], otherwise every sitting place in your house will get damaged or you can order "blue sheets" to place on chairs and sofas, and even the car.
Is Mom-in-law on Medicaid [which is different from Medicare], and if she is crossing State lines, she would need to apply and be accepted in the new State.
Another major issue.... most households cannot have 2 Queen bees. Mom-in-law may [or may not] want to take charge on how things are done. It would be nice if there is a household chore you hate doing, and Mom-in-Law likes this chore, let her do that work :)
Have you done your research? Why not consider assisted living for her? You have no idea what you are in for. Good Luck!
They also offer a Live Chat feature at that site.
Teepa Snow has some great YouTube videos on the topic of dementia and how to deal with sufferers. Check her out.
Read the book The 36 Hour Day. Research Memory Care facilities in your area for when the time comes that you can no longer care for her at home. 90% of us cannot.
Best of luck!
really, the odds are this is not going to end well.
I had both parents to the end. BUT, they had a LTC policy that paid for caregivers for 8 hours a day...for each of them.
they had the resources to pay for everything they needed, and medical transport for every doctor visit. It was still very hard after sundown...my Dad was especially bad. But, I know I had it pretty easy compared to most.
so..my advice is that if you must do this.. get a day nurse to come in everyday to take this burden off of you.