My mother-in-law wants to come and live with us, she is 89 years old, no more money left to pay a nursing home. Can we get help with her?

I am usually a very compassionate person, however, I know we could never have my MIL living in our home. She has always been very critical, judgemental, demanding and entitled, and I know her presence would adversely affect my marriage. Though at times I feel guilty--as she is in her 80's and living alone, this woman has been so hard on both of her grown children, and has created this situation herself. Does anyone else feel the same?

Trust me, you need to look into other options. My mom is living with my brother and I; we share her a few months at a time. My dad passed away in June. She has dementia, we do not have power of attorney and are at a loss as to what to do next. It is tearing my family apart. My husband, who is a saint, of 27 years wanted to walk out and leave a few weeks ago, but luckily, he just went for a walk. He usually has the patience of a saint, but this has been taxing on all of us.

@actionspot - you have described my mother, and I decided years ago I would never have her live with me. I even ended up refusing to have her, and my sis (similar problems) visit me because of the troubles. Since then my mother has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, which explains a lot. I think that narcissism and personality disorders are underdiagnosed.
My mother has alienated me and her grandchildren and other relatives and friends. She uses FOG - fear, guilt and obligation to manipulate people. My sis stays close to her hoping to inherit everything.
I have felt guilty at times, but less and less as I see the effect of the stress that she creates has on me. As I get older, I have to protect myself from it more and more, as my health has been affected. I am a compassionate person too, and have had to learn to be compassionate towards myself, which means being very firm about detaching and maintaining distance from my mother and my sister. (((((hugs))))) to you and others dealing with this problem,

MyWits End and Emjo, thank you so much for the time you took to comment. I do know that to let her move in would be a big mistake. She finds fault with my husband continually, never has a positive thing to say. If we do something for her, it isn't enough, so we stopped doing much for her, and she complains about that. Years ago, as a young mother, she compared our beautiful daughters to the kids of her friends, telling us how much more talented, beautiful and well behaved the other children were. She has hurt me more times than I can even count, and so now, I just have to stay away. Unfortunately for her, my husband and his sister also avoid her negativity, and so now, she is alone. At least she has shown me what NOT to do when my girls eventually get married. I will not repeat her mistakes!

Gsw- Good for you. We got serious about other options after the holidays. MIL moved last weekend. It is amazing the immediate reduction in stress. I know I felt guilty and obligated to take MIL in. There was not a financial reason, she just announced she was moving in. I think in her head, she was going to manage our home for us. She had some very specific demands almost immediately, and was unwaivering in her insistence we do things her way. To anyone considering this, I would say to first consider all the alternatives. Make absolutely sure you and your spouse are on the same page. It seems a common theme here that sometimes elderly parents get it in their heads they just want to live with their adult child, and not the spouse and/or grandchildren. MIL was definately like that, and our son picked up on it. It is miserable to not feel welcome in your own home. If they do come to live, make sure all expectations are out in the open. If this is a temporary solution, make sure they understand that. Of course, that is hard if dementia is involved. But make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. Openly discuss what you will and wil not do. Are you willing to quit your job tocare for someone 24/7? Are you willing to change diapers and bathe them? You need to be honest with yourself and your spouse. This is a major life change, and very stressful.

Actionspot-Do NOT feel guilty. I could say the exact same thing about my MIL. She has always been mean and nasty. To some of her children and all of her grandchildren she has a long history of hateful and hurtful behavior. When FIL passed away last year, she was not doing well. She called one night and told my husband, did not ask, that she was moving in with us. She lived several states away. My college aged daughter heard the conversation, and went to find me. She said she had some very bad news. She looked so serious I thought maybe she was quitting school. She told me that she had overheard Dad on the phone and that grandma was moving in with us. She said, "Mom, you cannot let this happen." I should have listened to her. I felt bad, and gave in. It has been a six month nightmare. It was unfair to our son still at home as he has felt he had to hide in his own home. She has been very mean to him. I have been fearing my husband was going to have a stroke or heart attack from all the stress he has been under. Literally, everyday has been constant complaining and ridiculous demands. Today, she moved in to her own place. She needs assistance and I don't think this is necessarily the best option for her. But, she rejected everything else. If I had to do it again, I would have never let her move in.

Actionspot- what is with these women? My MIL is exactly the same. She has been an abysmal grandmother. I was upset one day and promised two of my children I would be a better grandmother some day. One said, well she has set the bar pretty low. The other chimed in that one hug would put me over. Isn't it sad they have chosen to live their lives this way? After all the really nasty things I have seen her do and say, I really have very little compassion for her. You're right- it is a very good example of how not to live your life.

(((((((actionspot))))))) I certainly can relate. I am down to about once or twice a year too with my mother, and that may be too much. My mother was delighted when my marriage broke up, and she moved closer to me, hoping to have me at her beck and call. I could not allow that though I visited regularly, and helped her in many ways.
I certainly understand your feelings "I have moments when I think I should just be a big enough person to let it go and try to be there for her now, but I just can't." I can't any more either. My mother is 100 and in pretty good health. I am 75 and struggling with a couple if health issues and I cannot allow her to drag me down any more. This could go on another 10 years. I need some peace in my life. I think you are right about your mil being happy if your husband left you and the girls. My mother tried to divide me and my sig other around Christmas, amid a crisis she created. I drew some very firm boundaries which reduced the contact I have with her. I am at the point where for self preservation I am about done, too. I have POA, though she still manages her affairs. If there is more nonsense, I am dropping that - my sis, who plays these nasty narcissistic games too, is my POA back up, and she can have it. More ((((((hugs)))))) Look after you and yours. Joan

Anonymous has an excellent answer and fits me to a tee. If there is any other alternative, please don't take your Mom. MIL or anyone else in. It is a horrible mistake if you have the issues Anonymous mentioned and I did/do. My life is miserable and my husband and I have no privacy. Please give it much thought and consideration. I am in the process of seeing if I can find a place for her to go.

Actionspot, my MIL sounds like that too for she constantly finds fault with my BIL and says things behind my back. She would love it if each of us were out of the picture so that she could have her daughters all to herself. My grandmother was this way for she wanted my mom to leave my step-dad and come home and take care of her in her old age.