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She is 99, has progressed dementia but her body is still in surprisingly good shape. She still walks, goes to the bathroom, we take her for walks, 4 times a week she spends a few hours in Alzheimer's day care.


So it should be not so bad...


But I have a difficult time with her. I admit I never liked her and our contact was just being polite to each other once every couple of years since we luckily lived at other sides of US. She used to be the teacher and she has that attitude that everybody has to do what she wants and says. And it became progressively worse with less and less brakes as dementia progresses.


I can give her food, keep her warm and clean but that is it. I don’t like or love her. It makes it really difficult to put up with her stubbornness and bossing.


I agreed and wanted her to come to live with us since she refuses nursing home option And I can understand that and sincerely want her to stay close to her son. But being around her and trying to take care about her makes me to feel inadequate and a bad person since I don’t feel anything nice towards her. I never did and it is not getting better with her losing control over her behavior.


I only feel some sympathy with the fellow human being at the end.


My husband is wonderful with her and he is nice with me also. He understands that she is a hard to like person and it was actually a reason he moved far away after his studies. But now he is 70 and we have a little time to enjoy also. Instead of that we take care of an almost 100 years old unpleasant woman.


I know I am not a nice person having these feelings...I just don’t know how to continue every day for maybe quite a few years. We might die sooner than she will. It scares me.

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Alenka - you have a few years before your husband and you start losing mobility. My dad put off "enjoying retirement" until he was 72. Then at 74 he had a major stroke and that was it - nursing home. Put your MIL in a care facility near you - visit, advocate for her, but do some things with your husband while you have a few years.
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Alenka Aug 14, 2018
She will be 100 years old next July. And we said that after she will have to go to some care facility. And we can do some traveling and enjoy our things.
I hope we will have some time after. The trouble is one never knows.
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I personally think you are awesome, I would not be able to have her in my home.

To say she will not go to a facility is selfish and she doesn't have the right to hijack your golden years.

Hugs to you for being able and willing to deal with this difficult woman.
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dlpandjep Aug 15, 2018
Beautifully said - I think you're pretty awesome too!
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Honestly I think at 99, she has lived her life and there is no reason she can't be in some type of care facility. At the age of 70, things could change quickly for you or your husband and then your chance to do YOUR thing is over. This will take its toll on you...Good Luck.
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My mother always told me it doesn't matter how you feel. The only thing that matters what you do. Try to see if you can get some help in the house to take some of the burden off of you and your husband. You don't have to like her.

Someone told me I'm a good daughter in law. I'm not really. I am a good wife. Anything I do for my husband's parents, I'm doing for him more than for them.
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Alenka Aug 17, 2018
It is nicely said Marcia. I feel that way also. Only I guess I am somehow selfish...
All the best.
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The one fear I had, at 65, and had Mom in my home, was that my husband would die before we could enjoy our retirement.
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Alenka Aug 14, 2018
I understand that. That is my fear also. My husband had an open heart surgery couple of years ago. He is doing really well but we are not the youngest and one never knows.
I hope for the best - but what is the best? I cannot wish for her death(and I sincerely don’t) but since she doesn’t want to go to any care facility - what else can be done?
And I feel illogically angry with her that she puts us into this position. It is not real anger, I know she is not the guilty one. But I see no a good solution. Well, I know we will have to decide at some point.
Well, we don’t imagine what life will give us to deal with.
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And again I want to thank you, all of you. All thoughts are appreciated very much. Just to talk about it with somebody who understands is helpful.

My husband understands and we are on the same page so that is very good. And he says in any signs of serious medical problem we will have to solve the situation differently. She has money so it shall not be problem.

I am very introverted so it is already a problem to have her there. And it is superfluous to explain her dementia and bossy manners, all of you know about it more-less.
It is difficult even more for my husband so I don’t want to complain to him much so this forum and all of you guys are my help. And it worked so well. I feel understood and accepted.
I have those stupid guilty feeling that I should be more loving...but...
I thought you guys will tell me exactly that - that I have to try more, that I have to overcome my shortcomings. So it feels somewhat satisfying to read that I am probably not so bad a person with my thoughts.
Thank you all. You did a lot for me. I feel more relaxed and forgiving towards myself. Maybe I can be more generous with my MIL also...
And I am very sure that within some time limit we can arrange another solution.
Thank you.
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Hi Alenka :)

Dont beat yourself up too much. You are doing a lot more than some.

You dont have to love her or even like her but sadly, you do have to tolerate her.

So when you are doing 'you part' why not think of it as 'a job'?

So in this new job, you are caring for a 99 year old BOSSY, controling woman.
Mmm!
Do your job to the best of your ability, be civil (with a smile if you can manage one. lol)
Think of something else when she rants on and on and on etc...... Just smile and carry on. White noise her out.

Give your love to your hubby and save some for yourself.
Well done, doing what you do.

Take care.
Buzzy
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Kimber and others have excellent ideas. You really can't put your life on hold waiting on what might happen with others. I might discuss it with DH and see if he is on the same page.
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Hello Alenka. First off, NEVER let ANYONE say you are not a wonderful person! Taking in a family member who has Alzheimer's and dealing with all of the symptoms and progression of the disease qualifies for sainthood in my book!
Second, please have a conversation with your husband. You and your MIL are being impacted by a horrible disease. You have serious issues with your husband's health that need a calm and quiet and loving home. She needs to be in the best place for her care as well. My opinion at this point is she is unable to make logical and coherent decisions regarding her own care -- she is reverting to child-like emotions. You and your hubby need to step in to say that "an Alzheimer's care facility is the best place for you" and then put her there. They have trained people that can deal with her effectively and release you from the stress and angst she is heaping upon you both.
When my sister and I were caring for our 90-year-old Father, our goals were 1 - Safe, 2 - healthy (as possible), 3 - happy. Note that happy was last. Again, when cognitive issues hit our loved ones, they often don't make rational decisions. By getting her into a facility that specializes in her disease you and your husband can support her with frequent visits and she can enjoy you as children and not as caregivers.
All my best to you and your husband. You are truly wonderful!
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you are absolutely NOT selfish... a lot of people would not do what you are doing... I wish I had sage words of advice, but the on,y thing I can say is that I know how you feel. My FIL lives with us, and while he is not mean, bossy, I just don’t like or respect him. This makes interactions awful. I am not good at hiding how I feel. I have found that if I do not have expect for someone, forget the rest, particularly when you have to share your house with them. I do not .ike the things I think or the disruption to my life. It sounds like you may feel the same.... don’t be too hard on yourself, we are human, and this is not natural, especially when the one on the recoving end is not nice. That really irks me because I have had to always go along and get along... why are so many elders so damn mean, nasty and hard to get along with? You don’t owe her anything.

try to keep your marriage a priority, as well as yourself. MIL needs to make the transition. Best of luck
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