My mother hates me for placing her in a nursing home & constantly makes me feel bad, how do I handle this? - AgingCare.com

My mother hates me for placing her in a nursing home & constantly makes me feel bad, how do I handle this?

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My mother is 74 years old and lived on her own in NJ And I would come down from Canada every other month to check on her and help her. In September I noticed a fast decline with increased leg swelling, trouble breathing, difficulty with sit to stand transfers, falls, and forgetfulness. Her health history is uncontrollable diabetes, and congestive heart failure. She wasn’t taking her medications and finally had a bad fall where the home PT found her on the floor. She went to the hospital with a brain bleed, rehab, now NH. I’m being told by the doctors she needs 24/7 care and they feel even if she had that at home she will manipulate the situation. My mother has also developed dysphasia and requires a restricted diet and monitored eating as she chokes constantly. She is a danger to herself at home and cannot manage a house that is hoarded in as well as cannot handle her finances which I was helping with online. I have POA (she probably doesn’t remember giving me POA). I have started the process of liquidating assets so she can pay the NH and eventually go on Medicaid. I feel awful having say over money that isn’t mine knowing she hates it there and keeps saying she wants to come home. To add to this she either has dementia or symptoms from the brain bleed and doctors have declared she isn’t capable of making her own decisions. There are times she asks how her mom is (my grandmother died before I was even born & I’m 34). She asks about her brother (passed over 10 years) and says my Father hasn’t visited her (he passed in 2016). She insists she’s able to care for herself & because I’m the jerk telling her she can’t and I won’t bring her home she doesn't understand why, she is in denial of her defects and health conditions. She has disowned me about 5 times telling me I don’t care about her, she wishes she never had a kid. It’s just so hurtful when I’m trying to do what I believe is right. I live in another country and can’t take care of her, I’m a licensed PTA so if this was a patient of mine, I’d say they needed NH care however my emotions are all over the place. My mother and I have had a troubled relationship (she was mentally/emotionally & physically abusive at times to my father and I) but I’m all she has left and I feel awful doing this to her and using her money for her to stay at a place she is miserable, although she’s always miserable unless she’s getting her way no matter where she is. Does this guilt, stress, and relationship ever get better? Will she ever some how forgive me? Will she ever stop demanding to come home? Which I will eventually lose her house, and I don’t have the heart to tell her. I’m just at my wits end that it all falls on me, I cry every time I talk to her. My husband is supportive but it is all so trying.

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Erica, the fact is that you are not doing anything bad to her - you have seen the situation for yourself, have talked to doctors, etc. and you are trying to do the best thing to keep her safe (and it sounds like people around her as well, if she is trying to cook without being competent to do it). If she has been a complainer all her life, then she will go on doing what she does, but that is not your fault. Facts are facts and that is what you have to deal with. Her feelings are secondary here.
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