My mother has second stage dementia. We are looking into living in care, as up till now, she lived alone.

The one that could advise you would be Country Mouse. She lives in the UK and understands how your system works.

I just went through this. I set up live-in care for my uncle at home.

Your plan:
OP, you don’t let your mom decide. She has dementia. She can’t make wise decisions anymore. You can make wise decisions.

She can’t live safely, mixing up her pills. That’s life-threatening.

She needs live-in care. You’ll need at least 2 people to rotate during the week. Try agencies (often bad quality) or private caregivers (but hard to find; you must ask around).

Your mom has dementia. She’ll have no way of knowing whether the caregivers are doing their job, and whether they’re stealing. Be careful. Remove bank info, etc.

Grandma1954 8/6/23
Oh my....
I wrote out a whole response then I reread your question.
I read first that you were looking to have someone come into the house to help your mom. Then I read again and I read it to mean that you are looking to place her in Memory Care.
At this point mom does not have much of a choice. In order to keep her safe you need to make the decisions that need to be made. (Kinda just like when you were little and she told you "NO" that kept you safe even though you did not like the decision) It is your turn to "decide when the time is right" With dementia her brain will not know when the time is right. And honestly...the time will never be "right".

There is no easy way to move her. If there is a "problem" with her house and she needs to move out in order to have repairs done that might be a time to place her in Memory Care. The idea would be that she could go back home when it is safe to do so and you just keep telling "therapeutic fibs". the floors need to be done, the roof needs work, there was a leak now we have to paint.....

The other option if she would be less resistant would be to have a caregiver move in. Or several shifts of caregivers.

I finally after 18 months got my mom into assisted living. She lived alone. Refused care. Even now with where she is which is an amazing private care facility she’s still difficult. I’ve stepped back a bit. She just need to get her into care and trust me I know it’s so difficult. My father died and mr brother died so other than my husband helping me we are alone in this battle. Be good to yourself and just get her somewhere where she can be looked after. I know it’s not easy

I believe the only way is for you and your sister to stop helping her and providing care. In her mind she is still independent because you are helping her and in most cases parents/loved ones don't see that as caregiving.

If she needs care that is beyond what you are physically, mentally, emotionally or financially capable of giving, it is no longer her decision, it is yours. The only way to get her help, is to stop being the caregiver.

Often it takes stepping back and potentially a disaster to happen before you can get someone the help they need.

I understand that you are in a difficult situation.

Your mom is going to be upset about going into a care home. So be it. She will adjust to her new surroundings and you will have peace of mind that she is being cared for 24/7.

The only logical thing to do is to speak to your mother directly and tell her that you cannot continue to share caregiving responsibilities with your sister.

Both of you need to tell your mom that you are not going to be her primary caregivers but that you will oversee that she is well cared for in a care home. You can then return to being her daughters, instead of caregivers.

Would it work out any better if you made a doctor appointment for your mom and discreetly ask the doctor to tell her that she cannot live independently anymore?