Over 3 years & several visit to hospital & doctors & putting my mother through several tests & even having ECT Treatments... After setting her up at two different senior living housings & now having homecare, not sure when we started this journey anymore & after reading everyone’s questions & responses, I’m still feeling frustration. My mother is 78 & was always such a go getter’ as of today, tomorrow all I can do is cherish all the love she gave to myself & anyone she met. While my father is 80, yet his doctor describes him as 80 yr old man that has 60 yr old man's heart & body. I’m sorry lost in words trying figure out what I’m trying to say, ask... Why?? Why, after years later one of her doctors finally listened to what I’ve been saying. My mother has now later signs of dementia. All the love she has given to her family & friends turns to pretending everything is great & moment they leave EVERYTHING is beyond great. Love of her life 59 years is now her worst fear & her only daughter myself is a stranger more & more each day it’s like so many of you described. My question is, how do I help both of my parents? Honestly, who do I care for? The one that doesn’t want to live rather stab me with a pretend knife or my father who wants to live yet, can’t imagine life without her, even though every minute of every day he’s dying inside cause of like myself frustration & questions. Why put not only my mother through unnecessary tests ALL DEPRESSION medications & within last few months of emailing & telling her doctor her daily routines actions WOW as they say light switch turn on instead of being off!!! Please understand it isn’t about all the money. My father from the beginning told us over & over he give everything away in a second if she just could be happy. It’s so hard understanding without anger & so much lost time feeling like I should of listened harder, smarter instead last 6 months feeling inpatient with her being selfish & poor me attitude when this whole time~ She’s been crying out from within begging me to help her. I just feel like now that she’s failing more & more everyday she’ll never understand when I tell her how sorry I am for everything putting her through last few years all stressful tests depression she was so scared & she trusted me to help her & I failed her & how much I love her. Trying to process, it’s only been few days since I was told about my mother's condition. When does it finally hit you in the face, that it’s time to place them? We’ve been through like I’ve mentioned 4-6 hospitals (over a month stay each time) plus 2 senior housing to again bring home finally dad & I decided we both needed additional nurse staff during day, cause LOL, we told them mom's getting tired of us we're to boring maybe they could get her motivated! Ya, 4 months later now she wants to be left alone & in her room resting/ sleeping. LEAVE HER ALONE NOT HUNGRY NO MEDICATION so far we still have some control just when won’t we anymore.... very confused ~praying I find some peace & answers God bless
Him: I didn't know we were going to do that this afternoon.
Me: Well you would know if you LISTENED when I tell you something!
When the neurologist explained that the part of communication my husband was having trouble with was taking the information in, that made sense of what I thought was his inattentiveness.
When the diagnosis is delayed, the more these frustrating misunderstandings occur. I do understand your regret that you didn't have more information, and therefore a different attitude. Been there, done that! But feeling guilty isn't appropriate. This is nothing you did deliberately. Acknowledge your regret and move forward.
A geriatric psychiatrist may be very helpful at this point.
A dementia diagnosis is a lot to process. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to settle into acceptance. Dad is reeling to process this, too. You can he can comfort each other.
You did nothing wrong. Most of us here with elderly patients are in "fix it" mode; some of us right up till the end and after. "If only I'd...".
Let go of the guilt. It serves no purpose.
A couple of question. Mom was in senior living facilities, why did she come home?
Have you had a professional assessment of her care needs? Her doctor can order one or the local Area Agency on Aging can help get one.
You need someone objective who can tell you what mom needs help with and how much.
I seem to understand that antidepressants didn't work. Dementia can certainly be accompanied by depression, agitation and anxiety. We found that geriatric psychiatrists were amazing at treating the symptoms (agitation and extreme anxiety) that accompanied my mom's dementia. Make sure you find a good one and keep her/him on board.
As to dad, he's grieving. Hug him and grieve together. You'll get through this!