My mother has dementia and keeps saying she wants to go home even though she is home. She’s mad. Any help please?

I learned all about sundowning when my 87 year old mom went to the hospital and rehab. She was home for one day in between hospital trips and was up all night and completely unmanageable. On the last rehab stint they put her on divalproex two times a day. It has helped tremendously. She is also on a mild sedative in the evening. Late afternoons and evenings still aren't her best time, she is often confused. But she is soooo muuuuch better than without that med. Before she was on it she was up all night, couldn't get out of bed, talking to dead people, just completely crazy. Right now we have found a good balance, because if she were like that I couldn't keep her at my home, she never slept. Now she still wanders a bit at night but it's so much better. Maybe talk to her doc about possibly trying something.

If your mother has been diagnosed with dementia, your first step is to stop looking for reasonable, rational thought in anything.

Stop “explaining”.

It frustrates her and wastes your time. You need to stay with what she says, and provide a response that soothes her IN THE MOMENT.

“We can’t leave yet. I’m waiting for a phone call.” “They’re painting the floor. We can’t get in today”. “There’s a bad storm expected there. We have to wait until tomorrow.”

These are not lies or fibs. Instead, they are the best attempt you have to comfort her in her longing for something she remembers, but cannot return to.

It is very likely that her descent into dementia has not happened recently, but has proceeded for some time. You may want to address her anger and frustration with her medical specialist. Sometimes a mild dose of mood stabilizer or relaxing medicine or antidepressant can provide more peace to both patient AND the caregiver.

Don’t neglect yourself, if/when your mother’s care becomes more difficult. You are an important part of her care “team” and neglecting yourself is NOT making her situation better.

Hope this helps!

Any time she declines suddenly and quickly get her checked for a UTI.

Here is an informative article from this forum's Care Topic section about Sundowning, which is what your mom is doing. It's part of dementia, a phase.

https://www.agingcare.com/topics/19/sundowners-syndrome

The "I want to go home" line is probably the most common line people with dementia use. It can mean different things to different people, from wanting to go back to their childhood home with mom and dad, where they felt safe and secure, to the home they lived the longest with their spouse and children. Either way it can be very frustrating for all involved, and there is no one size fits all answer.
All you can do is reassure her that this is her home now, and if need be, walk away before she starts to get angry.
Or you can use a "fiblet" and tell her that her home needs lots of work and it will be a while before it will be ready for her to live in, or whatever other story you can come up with.
One of the ladies in our local caregivers support groups husband, was driving her crazy about wanting to go home. At first she would put him in their car and drive him around for a bit, and then as they were pulling into the driveway, she would proclaim that they were home now, and he would seem to be content with that. But after a while, that no longer worked, so she had to come up with little "fiblets" about his "home."
It's wearing, I'm sure, but sadly there is no "fixing it." Just remember that people with dementia tend to mirror our moods and attitudes, so when she gets angry, make sure you're staying calm, and even keep a smile on your face(even if it's fake)as that should at least not let things escalate. Good luck.