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I've read through your past posts.

"I have spoken to her about going to live with my sister who although she lives an hour away has seem Mom once in 3 years. My sister wants $35,000 to take her! "

"I have a brother and sister who have done nothing to help us but have opinions about everything."

"My mother has a will and has CD’s saved for all three of us. My husband and I took care of my Dad for 5 years until he past away and now Mom for over 15 years with no help from them. She is 90 years old and has let everyone equal money and says she can do whatever she wants with it. I feel when the time comes and she is no longer with us they will still expect a payoff. They will get it and I won’t see them or speak to them again. I don’t know if this helps but as my brother and sister say we chose to do this and they are still her children although they do nothing to take care of her."

You've also said that your mother pays for nothing. Nothing in 11 years?

Sounds like you have had enough of martyrdom. Your poor husband! PLEASE place your mother somewhere and enjoy life with your husband before it is too late.

What are your mother's finances? What has she been doing with her money for the 11 years she's lived with you? SS? Pension? Assets? What else does she have besides those CDs?

You've been posting on this site since 2019. Do you think the time has finally come for her to go live somewhere else? You CAN make that happen!
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my2cents Aug 2021
Definitely time to crack those CD eggs open and make mom use it to hire whatever kind of help she needs while living downstairs. If she's giving any of it away and ends up needing NH care - she'll have to use all her own money before she gets a Medicaid bed. And if any of that money was given away 5 years prior to needing a Medicaid bed, there will be a penalty period. If brother and sister don't help now, you can bet they won't be there to help pay NH during that penalty period either. What then??
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Oh my goodness, you have a lot on your plate! Guilt is the last thing you need to add to it. Right now you need all the energy you have left to care for your husband, children and grandchildren. Using guilt as a crutch to keep her in your home is a recipe for disaster. Make sure all the legal affairs are in order, then find her a lovely place to go where she will have the care she needs. She will adjust, but even if she digs her heels in and doesn't, she will at least be safer. At 92, it's time she stops calling the shots. You are not abandoning her, you are doing the most logical, safest thing for all of you.
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You need to find a suitable place for her and then pack/move her. End of discussion!
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Here is a sneaky way that your mom may accept. Go see your doctor. Explain that you are feeling overwhelmed and burnout with all the care, Ask him to write a prescription that says you must decrease your caregiving of others right away.
Show it to your mother and explain that she must move out for your health (which is the truth). Tell her you will help her find a nice assisted living apartment nearby and will help her move into the place in 2 weeks. Tell her you will visit weekly - and more often if you can.

Otherwise, just tell her you can not care for her anymore while your husband has cancer and needs you more. Help her find the assisted living apartment and help her move in. Visit weekly - or when you can.

May I suggest also talking with your children about finding other sitters for 2 (0r all) days of the week so you can focus more on helping your husband. Also, let them know that you and your husband will be taking a vacation and will be unavailable for a week to mind grandchildren. Then, plan that vacation and go!
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You can’t expect others to make this decision for you. I’m in nearly the exact same place. I feel it’s definitely affecting my health, but the guilt of dumping a human being, my own Mother would be too great to bare for my Bible trained conscience. I was brought up with thorough Bible training nearly memorizing all 66 books of the Bible. I couldn’t get those verses out of my mind if I tried. There is no greater love than sacrificing ones life for another rings through my head. Fact is, this is just what I’m doing. Sorry to be of little help but I don’t even have that answer for myself. I do watch videos and do activities with Mom. It helps keep her happier. I know she won’t be with me forever and then I’ll miss her. It’s as if it’s a crime to grow old in today’s society. But we all are getting there. Sadly most children who thought the sun set and rose regarding their parents will not want to be bothered taking care of them as they age. It’s true. So what is the answer? Each one must decide for themselves their conscience allows.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2021
Apeter,

Let me explain something to you. Moving your mother into a care facility where her health and safety will be maintained and she'll be taken care of is not "dumping" her.
Dumping her would be if one night you put her in the car, drove many, many miles away from civilization then kicked her out of the car and drove off. That would be dumping her.
Deciding that the elder can no longer live in your house and finding them a decent and even nice place as an alternative is not dumping them somewhere.
As for your mom not being here with you forever, I've got news for you. None of us will be here forever, yourself included. No, it's not a crime to grow old. The ones who grew old are lucky they had a long life. That does not mean that their families have to live in miserable servitude until they die.
'Taking care' of a person is not catering to their every need, want, and whim. It is not allowing them to rule your home, your life, and your family with an iron fist like a medieval king. That their word is law and that's it. Many elders don't understand that giving them what they need isn't always what they want. Taking care of one of our elderly loves ones means making sure they're living safe and are being properly cared for. It doesn't mean you have to be the one doing it.
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You have to take care of you 1st! Unfortunately some of our elder family members can’t deal with losing control. You have to explain that you’ve done the best you can and this is what is going to happen. She won’t stop eating because of anything you do. She’s using that to force your hand.
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You help find her a nice Assisted Living place (memory care if she needs it) and tell her..
If you don't mind her living in the in-law apartment tell her..
"Mom if you want to continue to live here you have to let me get someone to come in and help me take care of you. I can not do this all by myself" "If you refuse to allow that then we will have to look for Assisted Living places for you, we can start looking on Monday"
THEN..
"Mom I love you very much but right now my husband is my priority"
"My grandkids, YOUR great grandkids are also in need of my help right now"
"And I need to take a little better care of myself. I need to set boundaries"
"If you stop eating and die that is YOUR choice not mine. I do not want that to happen, the grandkids don't want that to happen either"
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my2cents Aug 2021
I have a problem w/her own child bringing 3 kids to her for day care while they know she is trying to mange the care of 2 adults - in addition to still working. That child should be stepping up on days off to take some of the load.
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just a warning, if your mother has more than 2,000 saved, she will have to pay for Medicaid until it is paid down.
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Isthisrealyreal Aug 2021
No, people have to pay for their own care until they are no longer able to and then Medicaid will step in and pay for their care.
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No ..she can’t go on her own! You have to tour different facilities nearby to see which one is best choice. You can’t take care of her & sick husband at same time..that’s too much & overwhelming! Talk to admissions starting Monday of different facilities & see what is best way for her to be admitted. Good luck & hugs 🤗
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Tell her you're at your limit and if she wants to continue living in the in-law unit and stay where she is, help has to be hired. At this point she has a choice stay where she is or you wear out and she'll have to live elsewhere anyway. Don't 'try' to get help in anymore - just do it. Be there upon arrival to help the 'help' get going on what tasks you want done and then let that person take over when you feel they can do what needs to be done, understands where everything is, etc.

You also need to call her doctor and ask for some therapy to come in to get her up and moving with assistance to ensure she maintains strength. That's another point to bring to her attention - she has to be able to move around. If she has money to cover expense of 24 hour care, ok. If not, facilities have people and equipment to handle the kind of care people need when they become bedbound.

She also has another choice if she is going to make it difficult for a housekeeper or an aide for her to come in - she can help you pick out a facility or you can select it.

Another thought is: you are taking care of grandchildren 3 days a week. How about those parents coming in on their days off to help tend to gr gr'ma and grandpa. To be working and being a day care PLUS the adult care is too much for anyone. The parents could take a turn or provide payment that it would cost at outside day care to cover some inhome assistance that you need.
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Your brother in law fell, in coma & never woke up, sorry for your loss. HOWEVER that could also happen to you THEN who will take care of all the people that you take care of?? First priority is you then hubby. Sit down with mom and kids and explain the same thing could happen to you as uncle, and all must now make new arrangements!!! What do they suggest they should do to make sure nothing happens to you??? Because you are going in the same direction of uncle.
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kikidp3,

Is it really harsh to protect your own mental health? When you are a caregiver to elderly people, and once again I've been one for almost 25 years, protecting YOUR OWN mental health must be a top priority for the caregiver.
A caregiver for elders and children has to know how to walk away and ignore sometimes. When we don't, we cannot maintain the level of patience and self- control necessary to do this work. What happens next is elder abuse or child abuse and that is far harsher than ignoring someone for a bit so you can keep yourself under control.
Maybe your experience being the caregiver for an elderly person has been positive. That happens too, but it isn't so for all caregivers.
So please do climb down off your Cross and stop judging others for how they handle their caregiving situations. Have a nice day.
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I went to look at a beautiful facility today. Of course Mom wouldn’t go. She told me she will die within a week if I take her there or take her walker and walk away. Then she told me she has been talking to my sister and she could go live with her. I told her these are her options. She is not staying with us as I need to spend time helping my husband as she did with my Dad. Now she wants to know why I hate her and why I am throwing her out??? My heart is braking. I don’t know what to do.
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BarbBrooklyn Aug 2021
You say "Mom, I am so sorry that you can't see that your living here is killing me. If I die, you won't have anyone to advocate for you. If you want to move to Sissy's that's fine, but I and I alone can no longer care for you. You have refused to be reasonable about hiring help, and this is the result.

You need to make your own choice here and my home is no longer an option."
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I totally agree with others. Give her a choice. She is manipulating you with threats. Do you have a pastor or go for counseling? Establish Priorities = you and your husband.
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Blondie, turn her BS back on her. Ask her why she hates you and would rather see you dead then hire additional help or move. Ask her why she thinks she is the most important person in the room, tell her you are going to stop eating and die so she doesn't get to torment you any more.

Oh, be sure and tell her to make sure she always has clean undies on, wouldn't want anyone to see dirty panties when she dies of starvation.

My dad tried this childish crap and he didn't like it when I told him that he would be spanked and stood in a corner if he was 3. He would get so angry but, he was acting like a spoiled toddler and I wasn't going to be manipulated by it. Grow up mom!
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my heart goes out to you. My mother came to live with us, because my dad could not take care of her anymore. She is 24 hour care. I did this for 9 months with 3 hours to hours sleep a night. My husband was diagnosed with multiple myeloma and learn he was going through treatment for several months. We decided that it was best for everyone. Her getting the care she needed and I could visit and spend quality time with her and my husband and give him the care he needed. It was hard, I always was told we never put our parents in an assisted living facility or nursing home. So that quilt and pressure is hard to fight against. I was told by a friend, I need a balance view. Putting my mom in a care facility is a way of caring for her. She will get the care she needs professionally. As a care giver we need to take care of ourselves too. It feels a lot of selfishness at first when we are in that frame of mind. I can now be mom and daughter relationship, instead of caregiver relationship. I know if I continued caring for my mom at home I would be sick physically, mentally and bitter. My mom is not social, but she is finally seems happy. She gets to have more then just me to talk too. I learned she is responsible for her own happiness. I can show her love and care. I finally after 6 months feel at peace with the decision we made. Best to you and your family.
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Your mother is 92 with problems. You have your hands full tending to your own family. There is nothing you can say that is going to make her understand. You either have to get someone to take over her care to free you up or you must place her. Get tough and do what you need to do. She lived her life. You are losing yours. Don't let that happen. Stop doing things for her at once - you can't do it all and should not try. Make arrangements and just go on the vacation. She is making her bed so let her lie in it. You and your family come first at this stage and you must NOT feel guilty. She should feel guilty.
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my mother got mad at me last night and called my sister crying. My sister came and picked her up and told me Mom is living there now. After 15 years, I am on her accounts, and her health care proxy, my sister and Mom decided to just pack up what they could and leave. She is now in another state and wants me to come and get her! I refused , I need time to figure out what I want for a change. My sister has not helped in all the years I have had Mom and Dad in my home. Am I a terrible person for not wanting her back here????
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BarbBrooklyn Sep 2021
No, you're not a terrible person.

Your mom is incredibly selfish.
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been two days. Even though mom is at my sisters house she is still calling and crying how much she misses us. She doesn’t know how to hang up the phone and I heard her talking like she never even cried. Am I a terrible person to not want her back here? My sister said I have to pay to get her things sent there! Why should I???
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 2021
No you don't have to pay, mom pays.

Your mom is manipulative, stop feeling bad.
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Thank you all so much for your support and wise advice. My husband seems like a changed person. He was always “on guard” with my mother as she wouldn’t eat or use her walker. We were always so stressed wondering when the next hospital stay would be. My sister is as mean and manipulative as my mother is. I told them I am not paying for this move as this was their decision not mine. I will start packing up her things and have them ready. Thank you all again. The guilt I feel seems to get better every day. In my heart I know I did the right thing for myself and the family that loves me.
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