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She is incontinent, and walks with a walker when she feels like it although she has fallen several times. She told me if I put her in a home she will stop eating and die and it will be on me. I am 65 years old, still working, and take care of my grandchildren 3 days a week. My husband and I have not been on a vacation in over 10 years. How do I get her to understand I can’t take care of her and help my husband too? She has always been very selfish and doesn’t do anything. I clean her in law apartment downstairs and have tried to get help come in but she refuses. Can I just tell her she has to go???

Ah. I see the problem: " How do I get her to understand I can’t take care of her and help my husband too?"

It isn't that she doesn't understand. It's that she doesn't *agree.* Doesn't agree, that is, that her needs have to be balanced with those of others who are equally dear to you; and quite possibly too doesn't agree (because she won't see it, because she won't think about it) that meeting her needs takes too much out of you and others in the household.

This is what you're asking her to agree to (note: this is *her* point of view. I'm not asking you to agree with this!): "My daughter has her hands too full to look after me. So now that I am old and useless I must help to look after myself by moving to a place where I don't know anybody, where I will be forgotten about by my loved ones, and where I will very probably die of starvation and neglect because my daughter doesn't love me any more and has forgotten everything I ever did for her. Fine. Where do I sign?"

Not going to happen. Not ever. So forget the getting her to understand part.

Find your facility. Book her in for a respite stay, using as your reason that husband has XYZ procedures or treatments coming up and he'll have to be in hospital and so you won't be home for that given period. Tell her this is happening, as opposed to ask her permission. Do it. Take it from there.

Meanwhile, hire a cleaner for heaven's sake. Stop giving her the option of free services from Blondie97's Acme Cleaning Co.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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I just want to say how sorry I am that you're going through all of this, between your DH and your mother who's too selfish to see past the tip of her own nose. Makes me very glad I never asked my own mother to come live with us, thank GOD. I hope the 'nurse & companion' can document everything for a month & help you devise a plan to move mother out before you have no other option but to evict her.

It makes me very angry to hear about elders who refuse to go to Assisted Living and come with ridiculous arguments about 'being starved to death' or 'thrown out like garbage' when in reality, it's like adult day camp in AL! My mother had the time of her life when she lived in AL, between happy hour on Friday, all the trips they took on the mini bus, the meals in the dining room, the activities, the parties, etc etc. We should all be so lucky in our old age to have the finances TO live in AL. My 94.5 y/o mother now lives in the Memory Care bldg of the same ALF where things are a bit different, but she's still better off there with friends and activities than she would be here, with nobody home and nothing to do all day!

Wishing you the best of luck finding a solution to your dilemma!
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Harpcat Aug 20, 2021
You are spot on! It is like adult camp! My dad loved AL once he got settled. And I agree we should all be so lucky!
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Your mother is manipulating you, otherwise she’d never say what she did. Honestly, it'd make me not want her in my home. Please have her move, after 10 years you’ve earned a rest and need to spend time with your husband enjoying the things you like to do. You can’t “get her to understand” so don’t even try. Just tell her there’s a change in her living arrangements and refuse to argue over it
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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As she has her own apartment within your home, you may have to start a formal eviction process according to local laws.

But in light of her ridiculous threats, which I hope you have reported to her doctor it definitely is time to start the process of moving her out.

Also why on earth are you cleaning her space? She should be paying someone to do it for her. If she balks at strangers, tough beans, it is not her call. She either keeps it clean on her own or pays for it to be done. You are not her slave.
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againx100 Aug 24, 2021
Yes, I make my mom hire a cleaning lady since she could not take good care of her room and bathroom.
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Blondie, people who love their parents arrange for their care outside of their homes, too.

It sounds line you've been sold a bill of goods, i.e., "only people who don't love their parents put them in nursing homes".

It's NOT true.

Your mom needs more attention than you can give her.

Your husband should come first and it sounds like he needs alot of care.

Don't fall for your mom's manipulation.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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“She told me if I put her in a home she will stop eating and die and it will be on me.”

How childIsh of her. Don’t believe it. It’s just another manipulation tactic. Like little children who threaten to run away if you make them eat their veggies.

Yes, you can tell her to go. It’s YOUR house, your rules. She won’t go on her own accord.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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That is terrible!!, threatening to stop eating and you will have caused her death... !
Yes, you can just tell her she has to go. Before though, find a good home and have a plan in place so the transition can be as 'easy' as possible. Keep it matter of fact, straightforward...the time has come where you need to move to a care home. She may even be happier but will never admit it
It is her choice whether she eats or not (I would guess she will) but that decision is on her not you.
And go on vacation... like a really good one.
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rovana Aug 21, 2021
FarFaraway, you are a kind person. If someone threatened me that way I would laugh and tell them better get started because it takes a while.
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This is a hard place to be……this is what I told my mom. I listened to her and then I said “mom, don’t make me choose between you and my husband”. I have worked very hard to make this work and it is not working for me. I have researched and found 3 places to interview and will be moving forward. (We are Christians who believe that God numbers our days as written in the Bible). I told her that this was breaking my heart but if she follows through with her decision to not eat and die….and God agrees with her and lets her die, this is not on me. It is between her and the Lord. I would like her to try to work with me now because life has changed and this is the best plan for her to have expert care from staff who are not exhausted and stretched thin. I would be able to be her advocate and a more refreshed daughter to her and more importantly, the wife that my husband needs. Then I asked her to pray about this. I stopped and prayed aloud with her asking the Lord to show us his best plan and thanking him for my mom and my husband. I asked him to show us the very best place for my mom and to lift the anxiousness or sadness that my mom was feeling and to please bless her with his peace and to give me wisdom. Mom moved into a wonderful assisted living October 2020 and has enjoyed the staff who wait on her, the ability to keep her apartment 80 degrees and the physical therapy she receives weekly. I got her a echo show 8 and drop in and talk to her. The staff are receptive and helpful and with prayers mom has a wonderful med tech who sits and talks to her every day for several minutes. I can now be a daughter and wife. It is a blessing to see mom happy and content and it took her about a month. By the second month she was loving it so much she took a tour to see if she had the best apartment. She did and now she is even happier. My mom was selfish in thinking that I would care for her as she cared for her husband. I made it clear that was not going to happen. At one time, Since mom cannot live alone, I told her that I would get adult protective services to evaluate her because I could not do it all and maybe they had some ideas. Mom didn’t like that and settled down. I am 65 years old too and retired. If there is any advice I can offer is that “we teach people how to treat us”. It was really hard to see mom like this but this is who she is now and it will not get better. Yes, you can tell her and be prayed up. All literature I read states that the sooner mom was in a facility (assisted living for my mom) when she can acclimate and make it familiar, the better it was for her quality of life because it would be recognizable for her as she declined. Mom doesn’t even remember her home and this is her home. She calls it her “condo”. Prayers for you being said right now.
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Reply to Tandemfun4us
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blondie97 Aug 20, 2021
Thank you so much for your wonderful reply. I am going to follow your advice and try to reason with my mother. I have already spoke to her concerning my husband’s health and she now is asking him constantly if he is okay. Every time I try to talk to her about all the things she could be doing in assisted living verses sitting at the window in the house all day and sleeping, she still doesn’t want to hear it. My brother in law fell at home a week ago and at 74 years old he never woke up from a coma. It made me realize the time I could be having with my husband is being taken away from us. Thank you again. God Bless
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The question isn’t why does she keep acting like this but why do you keep allowing it? That is not to minimize what you’re dealing with in any way. People don’t understand how I’ve been in a similar situation and it was/is very difficult. You must decide today who’s life you want to live. We get one pass through life. Don’t squander any more of your time. My mother is now in a nursing facility and hates me with every fiber in her being even though I was the only one who cared for her(she lived with me). She said she was going to kill herself and write in her note that I did it. She badmouths me to family and friends (thankfully they know me well enough to know the lies are not true). She is a narcissist and gets very mean if things don’t go her way. It was making me physically and emotionally sick. I had no choice but to go ‘no contact’ with her. It’s been 9 months since I last spoke with her but I’m still in touch with her docs and support staff as well as bringing her toiletries and food when she asks but those requests now come through the social worker. It’s been difficult, especially at first. The guilt was very heavy but it has eased over time. You do know that if you make no changes, nothing will change and you’ll look back and soooo regret your decision not to live your best life and that of your husband’s when you still had that choice. Absolutely nothing. What has to happen for you to make this verrry difficult decision? It sucks I know.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 21, 2021
RobertK1,

You are right and did right to put your mother in a nursing home because she needs professional care. She would still be hating on you even if she remained in your home with you. The only thing that would have changed is her tactics. She would take different approach in fight-picking and insitgating.
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I've read through your past posts.

"I have spoken to her about going to live with my sister who although she lives an hour away has seem Mom once in 3 years. My sister wants $35,000 to take her! "

"I have a brother and sister who have done nothing to help us but have opinions about everything."

"My mother has a will and has CD’s saved for all three of us. My husband and I took care of my Dad for 5 years until he past away and now Mom for over 15 years with no help from them. She is 90 years old and has let everyone equal money and says she can do whatever she wants with it. I feel when the time comes and she is no longer with us they will still expect a payoff. They will get it and I won’t see them or speak to them again. I don’t know if this helps but as my brother and sister say we chose to do this and they are still her children although they do nothing to take care of her."

You've also said that your mother pays for nothing. Nothing in 11 years?

Sounds like you have had enough of martyrdom. Your poor husband! PLEASE place your mother somewhere and enjoy life with your husband before it is too late.

What are your mother's finances? What has she been doing with her money for the 11 years she's lived with you? SS? Pension? Assets? What else does she have besides those CDs?

You've been posting on this site since 2019. Do you think the time has finally come for her to go live somewhere else? You CAN make that happen!
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my2cents Aug 20, 2021
Definitely time to crack those CD eggs open and make mom use it to hire whatever kind of help she needs while living downstairs. If she's giving any of it away and ends up needing NH care - she'll have to use all her own money before she gets a Medicaid bed. And if any of that money was given away 5 years prior to needing a Medicaid bed, there will be a penalty period. If brother and sister don't help now, you can bet they won't be there to help pay NH during that penalty period either. What then??
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