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I have always loved my Mom dearly. She was a very dominating and strong woman. I watched my father slowly inch away from their marriage, because she was so strong and always attacked him verbally for everything that he did wrong. I moved away for 7 years abroad, partially to get away from my mother who watches me and my sister like a hawk. She was always overly critical of us, and being around her was always stressful. I started noticing that when I called her from overseas it was always a nasty conversation about her mostly, and always led into an argument no matter how gentle and happy I tried to steer the conversation, she always found something to be pissed about with me. When me and my wife moved back into her home 8 months ago. I knew there was something mentally wrong with her. My wife also noticed these things as well.


Happy, mad, sad, furious, and there would be cycles almost daily. If she was in a bad mood I would be all to blame for something I didn’t do. We moved out after three months for me, and my wifes sanity. We were just getting on our feet financially, after being away for seven years. To describe my mother is to describe a hurricane. She always veers every conversation back to herself, and the main topic is always about something she is good at or boasting about something she did, even if it is something super small like being the best at frying an egg, just to belittle my wife’s egg frying abilities. She treats me like dirt, always verbally abusing me, and me just taking it until I have to speak up for myself. It happens in cycles. She has no remorse or never feels bad for the way she treats me. But in front of outsiders, she is so charming and the most giving and generous and smart person you could ever meet.


It is insane how she flips the switch on between being the most charismatic, sweet, funny, happy person in front of my friends or her friends, and then when they leave I am just the punching bag that gets pulled out of the dusty garage for a good verbal beating. I used to think that I was being illogical for thinking that my mother had a mental issue, being extremely self aware. But she really has either NPD or borderline disorder. I was a Nurse who took care of patients with psych issues. She is so abusive to the point that whenever I visit her, I am prepared to get a good verbal beating or hear her talk on and on about herself. I cannot even vent a problem to her without her topping off my problem with a thousand of her own. She always plays victim, when she is really the perpetrator. She is always right, and even when she does something so wrong, oh she can never have any fault cause she never makes any mistakes. Everyone else is to blame for all problems. She always blames her back pain on me, saying that “it is because of you I have chronic back pain, me giving birth to you have ruined my back forever.” I am always to blame for everything. I have so many more thigs I would like to mention but I am extremely drained right now.

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My heart goes out to you. Your story is the same as mine but for me my Husband. Once he fully retired 8 years his personality came unraveled. The last 2 years was like living in a tourture chamber. I did nothing right, nothing. His verbal assults became unbearable.

Im only just know living a real life. First time ever. In any relationship the most important person is yourself, then your wife and children. You can not help anyone until you take care of yourself. Yes, it's a very hard decision. But you and wife are in titled to a calm Happ life.

What I choice to do is move on from all the toxicity in my life. 20 years ago that was my extended family, yes even mom and dad. Then a first husband. This past may my second husband. This was the hardest since I loved him dearly. However, what he was doing was distroying me, emotionally and physically.

I have been away and had the chance to heal and grow. This has helped my Outlook on my life tremendously. This is not an easy decision but you deserve a true happy life.

I wish you both luck, God's Blessings
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OMG, that's just how my mother acts towards me, & I didn't know about NPD till now. (It certainly seems that they never change, & never feel remorse, but I understand your suffering indeed). Sadly, I'm at a loss to know how to manage it, except to have low contact with her. My health suffers when I visit her & then I feel guilty for not visiting. So sorry I'm not very helpful, but I truly feel your pain. God bless.
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If this started 6/7 years then your Mom needs to be evaluated. She may just need some medication.
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kevkailiu Aug 15, 2018
She refuses at all costs. I have tried and always ends in a big problem and she always says that she is perfect and has no problem at all. She thinks she is perfect. I gave up.
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A question. If you know there is a hornet’s nest nearby, would you keep going up to it and poking at it? When you were stung multiple times, would you then return and poke at it again? Then why do you keep exposing yourself and your wife to this hornet’s nest that is your mother?

I agree that if, every time you are in contact with her she attacks you, you need to distance yourself from her. You are in the medical profession and you know your mother is mentally ill. “Normal” people don’t act the way she does. And, she’s not going to change after decades of this behavior. So, it’s up to you. What do you think should happen? Can you get her to a mental health professional for evaluation? No? Ok, then she needs to be a Holiday relative; one you only see on Holidays. It’s time to move on and nurture your marriage—your future. Don’t subject your wife to this toxic person. I lived for years with a mother-in-law who didn’t like me. It’s not fun.

Distance yourself. Be honest with Mom. Tell her you’re sorry you can’t live up to her standards but you don’t have the energy to keep trying.
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kevkailiu Aug 15, 2018
Thank you. this behavior happened maybe 6 years ago when I was abroad. Every phone call back home to Mom was always her becoming furious that I left her to live in another country and pursue my dreams. She still grills me for it today. Basically we lived in my Moms house for three months, then we split. I left for mostly my wife's sake. When she started feeling it, then I made plans to leave. By the way we moved to an apartment and life is much better. Now my mom always guilt trips me about leaving her. After our last encounter I am going to love her from a distance. She is just so impossible and difficult and refuses to see a psychiatrist. She always gets super enraged when I tell her I want to help her and somethng is wrong with her. I gave up. It is sad to see Mom go through this, but it is life I guess I have to learn to accept this. Life is much better though ever since we moved away. Me and my wife are perfectly happy all the time no issues.
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How old is she? Is she independent? Does she have physical issues?

Does she treat your sister like this, too? (Often the mothers treat the daughters worse than the sons.) I hope your sister can keep her distance, too.
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kevkailiu Aug 15, 2018
She is about 72 years old. She hid her true age from us her entire life. I see her treating my sister like this as well. My sister is in denial, and has no medical background, and thinks my mother is crazy, but chooses to just ignore it. Ever since I got married and moved back from abroad with my wife she runs me through the full blown Narcissistic supply over and over again. Loves me, hates me, tells me that I am a loser and that when she passes away she is going to donate all her inheritance money. She is extremely verbally abusive like she says things that I have never imagined a Mother to say to her child to scar them for life. Then when I remind her that what she said really hurt, she says she never said that, or I am making things up, when in fact I know darn well I didn't. She is completely independent in her own 4 bedroom house all alone because no one can stand to live with her. She gives me so many guilt trips, manipulates me, trash talks and gossips about people when they are not present. I am pretty sure she does that to me as well. She, in my estimation would be about a 75% narcissist. There are some things that she does not exhibit on the spectrum, but most of them she does. My sister loves my Mom from a distance.
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Why do you visit her?

Honestly, I would have as little to do with her as possible. If you visit and she gets nasty, leave. If she does this on the phone, hang up.
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kevkailiu Aug 15, 2018
She is my Mother that raised me and my sister all by herself. I know it was tough as heck for her. I saw the struggles. She was not narcissistic while I was growing up. I noticed it maybe 8-9 years ago and now it is so bad that I am thinking of cutting all ties with her. Even though she is mentally ill, I still love her. She was the only loving parent I had most of my life. My Dad split on us when I was in my teens.
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