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My father has advanced Alzheimer's Disease, and it was necessary to put him in a nursing home four years ago. He is mobile, but he recognizes no one. My Mom has physical and major depression problems, and I would have to say that they never had a good marriage. Mom doesn't want to visit the nursing home. I know she is hurt by the lack of recognition. She understands all the reasons, but she isn't willing to allow herself to be upset over and over.
Is it wise to suggest she visit? She has told me that "the wheel is moving, but the hamster is dead"!

A priest has told me that an 85 yo woman is old enough to make her own decisions and probably knows more about how to protect her emotional well being than anyone else ever could.
Any comments?

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I empathize with you and your mom..... To have someone you love with Alzheimers or dementia is one of the toughest trials & tribulations we face in life besides death. Like death, unless one experience the loss or have someone with this terrible disease, it is hard for anyone to comprehend the emotions involved, the pain and suffering that one experiences with a loss or with someone with dementia/ alzheimers.... Having someone with dementia/alzheimers is like experiencing death...
Not knowing your family's circumstances, all I can say is that bless your mom.... only she knows the content of her heart and it's best that you allow her to make her own decisions....even though it is painful for you to see her not see your father.... Perhaps, within her heart, she prays for your dad and deals with her emotions & pain best when she does not see your dad. Each person deals with death or pain differently.....Just continue to love her and support her with her wishes....including being good in taking care of yourself as well despite this terrible tragedy.... If your father is in an advanced state of alzheimers where his memory is completely lost, then perhaps your mom had accepted her fate and the fact that your dad's physical is here but his mental state is no longer here..... In a sense, your mom is dealing with his loss just like death at an early phase......I wish you well & many
Blessings & Light to all of you.......
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That's a tough situation because on one hand, time is short and precious. What little time is left I'm sure you want your mom to see your dad. But, as with anyone, it shouldn't be forced. If it really hurts her, what can you do? Maybe videotape your dad. Have him say something on camera and let Mom watch it ---if she wants to.

Test the waters --but also don't forget about your mom. Talk to her--maybe she can open up to you about the reasons why and you can help get her over the hump. But again, it should come freely. Good luck.
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My dad remembers me, and her. But she's so mean (and mentally ill), so he's better off without her. She uses people who are of use to her, then when she finds someone she likes better, just kicks them to the curb.

While it's hard to see Dad decline, it's harder to see people whom nobody cares about be neglected. Their faces reflect the heartache they must feel. My heart just goes out to those poor people lying about. What a wretched existence, cared for by employees. Thank God for family members who care and visit, and see to it that their needs are being attended to and met. Thank God for the sacrifices made and vows that aren't forsaken. For better OR WORSE, in SICKNESS and in health. O yeah, that's just rhetoric anymore, because of another spouses' "needs..." One day, the ones who stayed and cared, won't have to suffer with regret. Sad, for sure, but true.
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I agree with the priest. It has to be hard to see someone you have so many memories with and be the only one who remembers them. My heart goes out to all of you.
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Wow! I am my dad's daughter, and visit him often, often, often. My mother could, too, but doesn't. Which is fine by me, because she's so mean to him (and me), and it breaks my heart to see her treat him so, and frankly don't like being around her. But I find it hard to reckon with. Other than that his usefulness to her to serve her every whim is no longer a factor. So now she's on to greener pastures, and I think it's absolutely wicked! I love my dad, not for what he can give me, but because of who God gave me. He's my dad, and did lots for me. Not everything was perfect, but the point is, I feel a responsibility to look after his best interests. (And have legal guardianship.) But it's more than a responsibility. I desire to spend time with him. It brings a smile to his face to see me. And though he is fading, my love for him grows. Guess I've been blessed to look beyond what he can do for me.

Still, it hurts sometimes. My heart hurts to see him in a room where nurses and CNAs come and go, and he has no control over who pokes and prods, and sorts through his closet and his drawers. I was thinking today, how awful to just lie in a facility and have no one care, love you, or want to visit you. I think of my dad who worked all his life to provide for his wife and kids, and spoil his grandchildren. He provided for mom, guided her, encouraged her, spoiled her, and loved her. It makes me sick at heart to see her abandon him. I just couldn't do that. I will look after him the best I can to the end. Just wish I could do more... My mom and sister never even call to ask me about him. What's wrong with those people?

My dad still walks and talks and smiles and has emotions. Thank God some people have compassion. Jesus did. I want to keep mine, be forgiving, and not grow hardhearted. But some things are hard to understand. Just cuz someone's not who they used to be, what happened to, "until death do us part?"

And then I see devoted wives or husbands come to spend time with their beloved. They walk holding hands, or snuggle together, as if their life is more complete to share those special moments with their spouse. Those are the blessed ones. Those are the lucky people, who love and are loved. I just don't have a lot of tolerance for the selfish ones. But, each one has their "rights..." I know this, when I am forced to say goodbye, through death, it will be to one whom I cherished and called my own.

As for mother, well, I won't be rising up to call her blessed. She's been a mean, abusive, selfish person all her life. Still, I do feel very very very sorry for her. My family and I have served her needs faithfully for the past few years, and all she did was complain, criticize me, and stab me in the back. I surely don't understand it, and never will. Thank God I'm not in charge of the Universe, but only have to be accountable for me.
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I guess the priest is right. She is old enough to make her own decision, and has probably already 'said goodbye' to the husband she used to know.
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