I think that nothing more can be gained at this point by you continuing to stay, I doubt that either of them is going to accept reality while you are there as the safety net. Because of your past experience you may be seeing the worst case scenario but they may be able to muddle along for quite some time, even if your worst fears are realized you can't help those who won't accept it.
You say her "self care". Does that mean Mom currently is living alone and caring for herself? You indicate she is aggressive. Is this with you? With everyone? And is it physical or mental abuse she is leveling? Do you have health or financial POA? You cannot speak with her doctor without it.
I wouldn't want you going on "for days" because when posts are horribly long I give up before attempting to read. But certainly do need some details. And, by the way, welcome to the forum and hope you will find help here, and be able to help others.
Hi, and Thank you! My stepdad is her POA. I moved in to help because my mom was caring for her mother at home. I saw how horrible the situation was and stepdad just buried himself in his room. That was 3 years ago. My grandmother is 97, now, and in a nursing home down the street. I visit her every other day. My mother's condition is worsening and I am aware of the precautions, because my grandfather and uncle, both, suffered with the 'same' dementia. I was very involved in the big decisions with them and saw some of the most horrific events happen. Which is why I am writing here. My mother is requiring constant supervision, and she won't let me help, yet doesn't do anything 'well'. She gets aggressive if I 'step in'. Yesterday, when I 'hid' a box of cheezits and told her she could not have them, she swung at me (I ducked backwards) and started yelling profanities at me(mind you, she has been eating them by the large box full - 1 box a day - and it is causing diarrhea, uncontrolled and all over the place) I explained why she couldn't have them, and she may end up in the hospital, she said "good, I would be away from you". I know she didn't mean this, but I gave her the box anyway. This house is a mess. If I leave things to my stepdad, I am afraid of the outcome.
I am a single mom, no job, caring for my daughter is my number 1 priority. If I leave this house, I am leaving the state, because they are all the only reason I am here.
My mother does not have a doctor. She will not go to the doctor, and the few 911 calls and ER visits haven't helped at all. Nursing homes prolonged the agony for both my grandfather and my uncle by not following the living will's they both had in place (which is probably the biggest reason she refuses to go to the doctor or get evaluated) - so I am SO torn about what to do.
Hope this helps give a miniature look into why I am searching for 'help'.
SuperSmiles, welcome to this forum. I hope you get the support and answers you need. Your profile says your mother is only 67 -- very young. Also you have a toddler. I think many on this forum will say that your first obligation is to your child. Your stepfather should look for alternate places to live. Is he on SSDI? Is anyone on Medicaid? I guess the first place to start is whether your stepfather is able and willing to to take the lead and start problem solving. He can contact the Department of Health and Human Services to request an in-home assessment and qualify for some services. Also contact your local area's Council on Aging, which is a clearinghouse for resources. Benefits.gov and BenefitsCheckUp.org may also give you some ideas. As your mom's dementia progresses and your stepfather declines you will be outnumbered. This is no way to raise your toddler. They may not want to leave your care but they should before you burnout, and it becomes a crisis. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this at such a young age. Please post any other questions or concerns you may have. Many, many on this forum have been in your shoes. May you find support here and peace in the storm.
Hi! Thank you!! Burnout is here. My stepfather is not willing to take the lead, I have been trying to get him do that for 3 years. He only does what I tell him. And no further. Change is incredibly hard for him. He still takes my mother's word for the budget and bills. (Which I am quietly overseeing because it is necessary) He yells at he for mistakes - I now just remove myself and my daughter from the home when they do 'the bills'.
You indicate she is aggressive. Is this with you? With everyone? And is it physical or mental abuse she is leveling?
Do you have health or financial POA? You cannot speak with her doctor without it.
I wouldn't want you going on "for days" because when posts are horribly long I give up before attempting to read. But certainly do need some details. And, by the way, welcome to the forum and hope you will find help here, and be able to help others.
This house is a mess. If I leave things to my stepdad, I am afraid of the outcome.
I am a single mom, no job, caring for my daughter is my number 1 priority. If I leave this house, I am leaving the state, because they are all the only reason I am here.
My mother does not have a doctor. She will not go to the doctor, and the few 911 calls and ER visits haven't helped at all. Nursing homes prolonged the agony for both my grandfather and my uncle by not following the living will's they both had in place (which is probably the biggest reason she refuses to go to the doctor or get evaluated) - so I am SO torn about what to do.
Hope this helps give a miniature look into why I am searching for 'help'.