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She thinks that she can take care of herself and by placing her in a memory care unit I have "ripped her heart out" and " she wants to die". It's so painful for both of us when I visit or talk to her on the phone. I try to distract her to another subject, explain to her the reality of the situation, reassure her that she is loved- nothing seems to calm her. I'm at the point that I don't want to talk with her, but I feel so guilty and miss my mom terribly.

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You Mom has Dementia. She no longer can reason so can't except what you say. They get stuck on one thing. Is this placement new. Maybe you need to not visit for a while and let her adjust. Let staff do everything for her. I would also "lose" the phone. But make sure you tell the RN and Administer. My daughter says a lost phone has to be investigated only to find after looking all over for it, a family member took it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Retired, I will always remember one writer on the forum regarding the same thing, her Mom hated where she was now living, she can't make friends, didn't like the food, and she wanted to go back to her own home.....

Then one day the grown daughter decided to visit her Mom without her Mom knowing she was coming. Where did she find Mom? Her Mom was at one of the activities laughing it up with the other women, having a grand old time. Then her Mom saw her daughter. Oops, the jig was up.

Many elder parents feel that when they leave their home that they will lose their independence. That made me chuckle, what independence?

Anyway, when my Dad moved to senior living, he said he felt like he had MORE independence as he no longer had the responsibility of maintaining a house as there was always something that needed fixing. He honestly loved living in senior living and being around people of his own generation :) But Dad had started out in the Independent Living section before moving to Memory Care, so that helped.

My Dad had sundowning where in the evenings he would climb into his time machine and go back to the 1940's. At first this rattled me, then I found if I played along it was better for him, and for me.

So try agreeing with Mom when she starts complaining. See if that works. And forget about feeling so guilty [I know, easier said then done], you are doing the best thing for your Mom, as now she needs a village to help her out.
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Reply to freqflyer
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How awful. I'm so sorry you're going thru such a dreadful thing with your mom. I just placed mine in memory care (from regular assisted living for 4 yrs) and so far, she loves it. My biggest fear is that she starts doing what your mom is doing, and begging me to take her out of there. The thought of it gives me a stomach ache, frankly. If she's brand new to facility life, it may just take her a while to adjust. My mom's place makes them come out of their rooms every morning and pretty much STAY out, occupied with the various activities, meals, snacks etc. My mom realizes she needs a lot of help and she ADORES all the attention from the caregivers, so that's why she's okay with it all. I wish I had some great advice for you, perhaps someone else will.

Best of luck
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Reply to lealonnie1
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