My mother continues to be hateful & embarrassment to myself and family. Help?

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Ever since my Dad passed away in 2000 my Mother is one hateful person. She brings my 24 yr old daughter to tears every time they speak. She feel she is the queen of all knowing to everyone even in the community. It’s her way or the highway. Over 10 years ago my daughter changed the color of her hair from blonde to brown. My Mother has been relentless criticizing her every moment of her life of it even though Mom colors her hair blonde. She nags at my daughter and 30 yr old son to get married, have kids, buy a house, etc. etc. When I phone her I find myself regretting it within 10 seconds after she begins complaining about how she is the victim of something. She gets in everyone’s face in the community from car repairs, hearing aide people, bank tellers, grocery store workers to even a sewing machine repair man who threw her out of his store - he was in his 80’s. She will get in anyone’s face but mainly men seeming to get some high from getting them worked up and P O’d. My sister came back after being gone for over 40+ years since her teens. She has married 4 different men fom drunks to the present one 20 yrs older and close to 90. She embezzeled from a small company with investors she was part owner in and has been in hiding most of her life not working for the past 30+ years. She decided to waltz back into my Mom and I’s life acting like she was here to save the day and take care of Mom in her final years. My sister is a materialistic type person with picture perfect home funishings, expensive clocks, diamonds, etc. - no kids. I always dreaded the day Mom would pass as I knew my sister would pony up to the bar causing me all kinds of grief. Well, that day came early. See my Dad worked hard to buy a small farm and build a modest home. I worked that farm night and day while growing up and going to college at home. It meant something to me and not my sister. Dad’s last words to me while in Hospice was “Hang onto the farm as long as you can, son.” He passed the next day - New Years Eve 2000. My sister is now causing all kinds of problems demanding for the Will to be changed. She basically is influencing heavily Mom. Mom wants my sister to be there to take care of her even though I have tried. I am 60 my sister 64. I have had it with my sisters demands and told her the will and farm deeds have nothing to do with my sister or myself. It was Dad’s last earthly wished and I intend to respect them. I did not have any idea what the will said nor cared until my sister got Mom stirred up. Seems Dad left me about 80% of everything already deeded in my name including the house. I offered to make it 50-50 thinking this was fair. Seems not good enough for my sister as she is demanding more. We all 3 even ended up in Mom’s attorney’s office when Sis made more demands and I finally said no more and haven’t spoke to her since. I asked Mom over for Thanksgiving dining today and my sister stuck her nose in things and got Mom to refuse after first agreeing that would be nice. Now it seems Mom has taken sides with my sister since she spends most of her time at Mom’s as she doesn't get along with husband number 4 - 90 yr old Ted. This is tearing me up as I am trying to balance everyone’s feelings from both my grown children, my wife and Mom. I must finally stand up to my older sister and mean Mom. No one can talk to Mom not even my kids. We all love her but with my sister in the picture the devil has a hold of her. I have hired an attorney and he has advised me not to do any of what my sister is demanding. Just tearing me apart to be at this point in my life as our family was disfunctional for the most part. My sister even came back while Dad was on his death bed and accused him of sexual abuse. Frankly growing up I don’t recall anything close to that occuring. Strange she would come back after being gone 35 years if your Father had abused you. She tried to get me to sell the farm during that time even before Dad had passed. Help? I don’t believe anyone can help but I am all ears.

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Thank you for all that have given advise. I don’t claim to be perfect but just have to have a remaining life that is free from head games at 60. Thank you, I really mean that to all of you. Funny how one can find themself with no where to go for some guidance or support. I found some here. Thank you.
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"This is tearing me up as I am trying to balance everyone’s feelings from both my grown children, my wife and Mom."

Cterry, it is not your job to balance everyone's feelings. Plus, you'll never succeed as it can't be done. We have no control over how people behave just as we have no control over how other people feel. Trying to be the peacemaker is a waste of time.

Boundaries must be set. What are your boundaries? They must be clear and they must be respected.

If your mother makes your daughter cry why does your daughter still associate with her?

If, after 10 seconds of being on the phone with your mom she begins to play the victim why stay on the phone with her? I don't know how often you talk to her but you have control over how often you talk with her and for how long. Keep the conversations short for the sake of your own sanity.

Have as little interaction with your sister as possible. She sounds like a vulture, circling above. Don't get into any legal wranglings with her. There's no need for her to see your parents' lawyer or to make claims to anything. No 50/50. Nothing. It sounds like her sole purpose in this situation is to throw a monkey wrench into the works.

You take care of yourself and let the others take care of themselves.
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Please don't give up anything that is in your name.

It sounds like you've been conditioned by your family to be a doormat. I agree with the commenters here advising you to bow out from your abusive family. They don't have or appreciate ethics and will take advantage of you and think you're a sucker for being good, kind and thoughtful.

My mother is the same--it's her way or the highway and she's a spoiled, evil little witch. I left the moment I got out of high school at 17, visited regularly until I was 45, then completely cut off from my family until I was 60. Suddenly last year I decided to return and try again since my mom is 90 only to discover that she's more monstrous than ever.

Protect yourself first and foremost. These people don't change--they are mentally ill and they will hurt you. They never get better with age--only worse.
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I don't understand how you could have had no idea you inherited property after your father's death, was his will not probated? I agree with Jeannegibbs, find a lawyer to untangle the legal issues and leave your mom and sister to sort out their own problems. Don't allow them to suck you back into the drama, keep contact minimal if at all.
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Bow out of this situation. Completely. Let your lawyer handle the legal issues. Do not subject your family to more of this abuse. Seventeen years? You've been putting up with this crap for 17 years? For heaven's sakes, WHY? I guess the answer is because your family has been dysfunctional all your life and you never learned to value yourself and to set boundaries. It is not too late.
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To clarify:

Your father left you the farm when he died in 2000. Who is living on and operating the farm? Where does your mother live? Where is your sister living?

I have to ask why do you have anything to do with your mother? She sounds like a toxic person. The same applies to you sister. There is not going to be a happily ever after, they have no interest in having a healthy relationship with anyone.

The best decision I made for myself was to limit contact with my abusive parents. For over 10 years I did not see my father. Now I see him about 3 times a year and always make sure I have a way to get away from him as necessary. My mother (they divorced decades ago) is another piece of work. I see her about as often, but once again if abuse starts I leave.

There is no need to put up with it.

Why would you want to give part of your inheritance away?

Why did you not know the contents of your fathers will if he died 17 years ago? You should have been notified during probate.

I do not understand why you say you all love her, yet she is horrible to you and your children? Why are you upset that your mother will not be with you for Thanksgiving when you state she is hateful to your children, critical about everything? That cannot make for a nice family celebration.

As far as whether or not your sister was abused, what does that have to do with here and now? My parents were abusive to me not my brother, that does not mean I have the right to be abusive to my brother, not does it mean I get more than my share of any estate.
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