Both my parents live with my wife and I, for the last 9 years. It was fine for the first 6 or so years. They had one side of our house, and we had the other side. They were capable of taking care of themselves. Now into their 90s they are in need of care. We do all the shopping, laundry, meals, take them on errands, and to church. My mother's dementia has gotten worse over the years, and her short-term memory is very bad. She started accusing my wife of stealing hangers. She gets very mad, and sometimes violent, throwing her walker if we deny it. My wife will not go into their room now and leaves the clean laundry on a chair by their bedroom. I counted the hangers to see if any are missing and every time there is the exact same, so she is putting her clothes away and not remembering using the hangers. It terrifies my wife when my mother accuses her, and she does not handle confrontation very well. We've since moved into our retirement home, much smaller. They did not prepare for retirement and cannot afford an assisted living arrangement but if this continues I can't have them live here.
Perhaps you could take ownership of the missing hangers. "Sorry Mum.. just borrowed a hanger etc, it wasn't (insert wife's name). No point in reasoning, reasoning is a thing of your mum's past. I would suggest taking on the larger share of care and take over all of the duties your wife is doing that aggravates your mum. And send your wife to a spa!!!!
In the meantime,start aggressively looking into financial assistance for finding them assisted living/ memory care. This is not a fair situation for your wife she should not be put in the position of being terrified...,it is also not a fair situation for you. There is still quality of life that you can have (not having now it would seem) Your parents have had their time. I see a lot of posts on here about men expecting their wives to suck it up and take care of their inlaws so they don't have too. You clearly are not one of them, but I would urge you to act and put yourself and your wife first.
Your first concern should be about your wife and her safety. Your parents have lived their lives. Start looking for placement for both parents. Apply for Medicaid on their behalf. If your mother gets violent towards your wife, please call 911 and have her admitted to the hospital. Tell them she would be an unsafe discharge, and she cannot return back home. You are carrying too much. What would happen to your wife if something were to happen to you, and she is left alone with your parents. Have you thought this through?
I am truly sorry about your situation. You are probably feeling like you are stuck in the middle between a rock and a hard place. Just keep additional hangers around for now just to keep the peace, and stop counting them to appease your mother. Your wife is a good woman to allow this in her house for this long. Your first concern should be about your wife and her safety.
Eventually, your parents are going to need a higher level of care outside of you trying to care for them. You can get medications for them to calm the anxiety, but later on the dementia will take another turn. What worked for one symptom may not work for something else. Dementia is not a one size fits all type of illness and will vary from person to person.
There are some very wise people on this board and their suggestions are excellent.
In favor of buying 200+ hangars. You can do this, put them on a hook near their door in the hallway. Even this may not stop the accusations-but another diversion tactic. Sometimes that's all you can do to avoid the unpleasantness just prior to moving them to another home.
Meanwhile, what if you bought 100 hangers and gave them to her? Either all at once, or say 10 or 20 per week? What if your wife left these new batches of hangers on top of the fresh laundry? Hangers are cheap. At least she isn’t accusing your wife of stealing her diamonds.
(My MIL always instructed me to “count the silver” when I was washing up after family dinners at her house. I was the only person from “outside” her immediate family at those dinners. I used to wonder….who does she think would be stealing it?)
good luck.
My friend's husband, 6'4" and formerly the kindest and least violent of men, trapped her in the bathroom and held the door so she couldn't get out. Another friend's husband threw heavy objects at her and now lives in memory care. A woman there scratched and bit family members. A man grabbed a family member when she was trying to shower him and threw her on the floor. A husband grabbed a wife's arm and bent it painfully; he had an iron grip and she couldn't get loose. Fortunately she only had bruises, no broken bones.
Sometimes we can no longer keep them at home.
Are you POA?
It can be difficult to get a parent out of your home once they have established your home as their legal residence .
Did they own a home and sell it before moving in with you to begin with ? If so , where is that money ?
Have you looked into whether your state Medicaid program will pay for assisted living ? Not all do . My state only pays for SNF ( skilled nursing facility) aka nursing home .
In the meantime see if there are any programs through the dept of aging to help out in any way. Call your County Agency of Aging to get a social worker involved to help you navigate this
To lighten the workload, you can order groceries online for delivery to your home. You can order just about anything else online also. Look into whether Meals on Wheels is available for them in your area. Many churches stream their services online, should it become too difficult to take them, although maybe getting out of the house with them is good for everyone's mental health.
Look into senior center daytime activities to get them some outside stimulation and give yourself and especially your wife a break from having them always in the house.
Nine years is a long time. You've been very generous, but you and your wife should be enjoying your own retirement.
If I were your wife, I would be seriously considering moving elsewhere, whether with or without you. Especially if your mother's ire seems to be hyper focused on your wife. Because that is no tolerable way for anyone to have to live.
Oh, and by the way, if my husband counted hangers after I had been falsely accused of stealing them (really, hangers?) I might take offense to it...like I might have the stray thought that my husband considered that I ***might actually*** be stealing something so worthless from his mother. I certainly hope you got your wife's blessing BEFORE you did that.
You should really have an exit plan for your parents forming right now, before this gets worse and your wife forms her own such plan that doesn't include you.
You can always sneak in her room and move some of the hangers back to the box or on the rod , when she thinks some are missing .
Also as already suggested a med to calm Mom down.
When my Mom (in her 90s) started having paranoia and accusing me of stealing ridiculous things, I benefitted a lot from educating myself about dementia, and how it changes our LOs, why, and how to engage with them for more peaceful and productive interactions. Now, you and your wife are the only ones that can change voluntarily for the positive. Your parents will keep changing and can't help it... this is called decline.
It takes practice to learn how to not just "react" to what they say and do -- they are no longer their prior selves and never will be again. Please make a plan to get them out. Find a faith-based non-profit facility that may be less expensive. Explore Medicaid qualification for them. Hopefully you are their PoA?
And the first thing you should do is take your Mom to her primary doctor, get a diagnosis and get her on meds for depression, anxiety and agitation. This is merciful since she can't control herself anymore. My Mom is on the lowest dose of Lexapro and it made a big difference.
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you relocate them.
You have done a good job, but the disease has taken over. They now require a facility with several shifts and several folks working each shift.
Do try first to discuss some medication options that may help your mother with her doctors, but I do think the writing is on the wall. I am sorry for your problems.